My fucking printer just sent me the following message:
"unable to write print data: broken pipe"
Broken Pipe?!?! what the fuck!?!??
I don't even know what that means, has it infiltrated the plumbing??
what's next??
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I hate people that drive the speed limit
I think it shows a lack of vision. What are they doing up there? Admiring the scenery? When I'm driving, I'm envisioning all the things that I have to do, and all the things I could do once I'm finished. I have great vision and there is greatness to be done out there; if you'd only get your fucking car out of my way.
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Organic Carrot Caper of 2013
So I'm in the grocery store having an argument with the self-scanner. They're like toddlers; they don't make any sense but they also won't stop talking. I'm only buying two items but the scanner won't let me have them. After the third "Unexpected Item in Bagging Area" error message, the clerk with the master code comes over to help. Not because of the error messages, mind you, but because I'd inadvertently selected "bulk carrots" instead of "organic carrots" thus successfully stealing $1.07 from the grocery store. Early retirement, here I come.
I set down the asparagus to rescan the carrots and get yet another "Unexpected Item in Bagging Area" message. Master Clerk looks at me and says, "You selected 'I don't want to bag this' then you set the item in the bagging area." And she has this look on her face like I've been caught eating grapes in the produce section and is desperately trying to remember the emergency code for Mad Woman at Self Scanners, Immediate Assistance Required.
Me: "Well, I don't want a bag. I brought my own bag. But if I put my bag in the bagging area, I get that stupid code."
Master Clerk: "Oh, you can't put your bag in the bagging area until after you've completed your transaction."
Me: "Of course not, that would be just crazy"
Me: "Is there a button for 'I don't want a bag but I don't want to stand here holding everything either?"
Master Clerk: nothing
And this is a grocery store for god sake, if shopping bags and food are "unexpected items", what are they expecting? Squirrels?
I set down the asparagus to rescan the carrots and get yet another "Unexpected Item in Bagging Area" message. Master Clerk looks at me and says, "You selected 'I don't want to bag this' then you set the item in the bagging area." And she has this look on her face like I've been caught eating grapes in the produce section and is desperately trying to remember the emergency code for Mad Woman at Self Scanners, Immediate Assistance Required.
Me: "Well, I don't want a bag. I brought my own bag. But if I put my bag in the bagging area, I get that stupid code."
Master Clerk: "Oh, you can't put your bag in the bagging area until after you've completed your transaction."
Me: "Of course not, that would be just crazy"
Me: "Is there a button for 'I don't want a bag but I don't want to stand here holding everything either?"
Master Clerk: nothing
And this is a grocery store for god sake, if shopping bags and food are "unexpected items", what are they expecting? Squirrels?
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Robopocaplypse, Part III
Scene: a peaceful morning in the family room, zoom in on unsuspecting computer user.
User: <type type type type> <print>
Printer: <nothing>
User: "huh" <print> this time pressing the button harder 'cause she really means it
Printer: <strange whrring noise, like it's trying to contact the mothership>
User: "what the hell....." <gets up and walks to the printer>
Printer: <first line prints>
User: <sits back down>
Printer: <stops>
User: je%^&^%s f#@$*^g c$&*&t
Printer: pathetic, they deserve to be conquered
Laptop: <giggles>
(Sadly, this has happened more than twice)
User: <type type type type> <print>
Printer: <nothing>
User: "huh" <print> this time pressing the button harder 'cause she really means it
Printer: <strange whrring noise, like it's trying to contact the mothership>
User: "what the hell....." <gets up and walks to the printer>
Printer: <first line prints>
User: <sits back down>
Printer: <stops>
User: je%^&^%s f#@$*^g c$&*&t
Printer: pathetic, they deserve to be conquered
Laptop: <giggles>
(Sadly, this has happened more than twice)
Friday, February 22, 2013
Pet Adoption
Let me start by saying, I think pet adoption is a wonderful thing and these organizations do great work. However.......
Should the first question on the adoption application really be "Why do you want a pet?" Is this a helpful question? Is it some sort of screening tool?
Why do you want a pet?
Well, my sister won't eat lamb so I thought I'd use kitten instea.......Shit, you got me.
Should the first question on the adoption application really be "Why do you want a pet?" Is this a helpful question? Is it some sort of screening tool?
Why do you want a pet?
Well, my sister won't eat lamb so I thought I'd use kitten instea.......Shit, you got me.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Leadership has many forms
I'm the PTA president at my kids' elementary school so I park illegally. Because being PTA president should have some perks, am I right? There's a spot in the teachers' parking lot that is not a parking space. If you have any doubts whether or not it is a parking space you can read the "No Parking" spray-painted on the cement. But it just happens to be really close to the front door so I started parking there anyway.
Gradually other people started parking in my illegal parking space and I was so proud. I had turned an illegal parking spot into a legal parking spot, despite the "no parking" painted on the road. Now that's leadership!
But after 4 or 5 months, so many people were using my illegal parking spot that I could no longer use it. What's a girl to do? I asked the ladies in the office to do something about all the people using my illegal spot but they thought I was joking.
Last week, when I got to school there were orange traffic cones in my illegal parking space. My first thought was, "Wow, they're actually trying to keep people out of my spot!" Then I parked on top of them. Well, apparently that was not the intent of the cones. They were to keep me (and my acolytes) from parking where the short buses needed to park. (Did I not mention that my illegal parking space was right where the short buses pick up the kindergartners? Come on, they're young, they can walk. Exercise combats childhood obesity. I do it out of love.) But whatever....
So they left me no choice, really. Having been driven out of the teachers' parking lot, all I was left with was the front parking lot. And the front parking lot just happened to have a parking spot with an empty pole. A pole just waiting for a sign. I mean it's just standing there with nothing to do. That sad, lonely pole was breaking my heart! Pole unemployment is a travesty! Something had to be done! (And the sign only cost $28.99 plus tax and shipping).
(By the way, hanging a sign....not as easy as it looks. It look a ratchet set, needle nosed pliers, 2 trips to the hardware store, 2 step ladders and an accomplice. I'm exhausted.)
Gradually other people started parking in my illegal parking space and I was so proud. I had turned an illegal parking spot into a legal parking spot, despite the "no parking" painted on the road. Now that's leadership!
But after 4 or 5 months, so many people were using my illegal parking spot that I could no longer use it. What's a girl to do? I asked the ladies in the office to do something about all the people using my illegal spot but they thought I was joking.
Last week, when I got to school there were orange traffic cones in my illegal parking space. My first thought was, "Wow, they're actually trying to keep people out of my spot!" Then I parked on top of them. Well, apparently that was not the intent of the cones. They were to keep me (and my acolytes) from parking where the short buses needed to park. (Did I not mention that my illegal parking space was right where the short buses pick up the kindergartners? Come on, they're young, they can walk. Exercise combats childhood obesity. I do it out of love.) But whatever....
So they left me no choice, really. Having been driven out of the teachers' parking lot, all I was left with was the front parking lot. And the front parking lot just happened to have a parking spot with an empty pole. A pole just waiting for a sign. I mean it's just standing there with nothing to do. That sad, lonely pole was breaking my heart! Pole unemployment is a travesty! Something had to be done! (And the sign only cost $28.99 plus tax and shipping).
(By the way, hanging a sign....not as easy as it looks. It look a ratchet set, needle nosed pliers, 2 trips to the hardware store, 2 step ladders and an accomplice. I'm exhausted.)
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Early Retirement (revised)
(John informed me that I forgot part of the conversation.)
So yesterday over breakfast, John decided that he wanted to retire early. Like now, early.
John: You could get a job, couldn't you?
Me: I suppose....
John: But you'd have to make, like, a lot of money.
Me: okay.....
John: Maybe you could become a prostitute.
Me: I'm 45.
John: You know, a really high paid one.
Me: And you think this will make us a lot of money?
John: We could set up a webcam.
Me: I have cellulite and a bad attitude.
<long pause>
John: Maybe we could buy lottery tickets.
Me: Do I need to be here for this conversation?
So yesterday over breakfast, John decided that he wanted to retire early. Like now, early.
John: You could get a job, couldn't you?
Me: I suppose....
John: But you'd have to make, like, a lot of money.
Me: okay.....
John: Maybe you could become a prostitute.
Me: I'm 45.
John: You know, a really high paid one.
Me: And you think this will make us a lot of money?
John: We could set up a webcam.
Me: I have cellulite and a bad attitude.
<long pause>
John: Maybe we could buy lottery tickets.
Me: Do I need to be here for this conversation?
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Asshat
(pronounced ass-hat, not as-shat, which is what I thought the first time I read it)
My new favorite swear word is asshat. It's in the book that I'm reading. The main character see her old boss walking in the door and the first thing she thinks is "asshat". I love it! It's replacing my other favorite swear word, 'jackass', which is another awesome curse that doesn't get the playtime it deserves. Nobody says "jackass" anymore, why is that?
Anyway...I find myself waiting, just hoping, to get cut off in traffic, so I can yell "ASSHAT" at them but it hasn't happened yet. I live in California so is it really too much to ask? How am I supposed to expand my vocabulary if these drivers won't cooperate?? It's very frustrating.....
My new favorite swear word is asshat. It's in the book that I'm reading. The main character see her old boss walking in the door and the first thing she thinks is "asshat". I love it! It's replacing my other favorite swear word, 'jackass', which is another awesome curse that doesn't get the playtime it deserves. Nobody says "jackass" anymore, why is that?
Anyway...I find myself waiting, just hoping, to get cut off in traffic, so I can yell "ASSHAT" at them but it hasn't happened yet. I live in California so is it really too much to ask? How am I supposed to expand my vocabulary if these drivers won't cooperate?? It's very frustrating.....
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Robopocaplypse, Part II
I always felt that one of the best leaps forward ever made was computerized gas pumps. They were a revelation. I no longer had to make small talk with the guy pumping my gas (when I lived in Oregon) or the guy working the register (when I lived anywhere else). I could pump my gas in a completely antisocial manner that I loved. I didn't even have to smile at anyone. It was a perfect world.
But somewhere along the line that all changed. I used to be able to slide in my card and do my business. Now I have to buy the damn thing dinner first. I have to answer 9 questions before it will unlock the hose. There are days when I don't say 9 things to my husband. When did this happen?
Pump: Are you using a credit card?
I think it's trying to get laid.
But somewhere along the line that all changed. I used to be able to slide in my card and do my business. Now I have to buy the damn thing dinner first. I have to answer 9 questions before it will unlock the hose. There are days when I don't say 9 things to my husband. When did this happen?
Pump: Are you using a credit card?
Me: Yes
Pump: What's your zip code?Me: 94582
Pump: Do you want a car wash?Me: No
Pump: Nice weather we're havingMe: yeah, but it's sure cold at night
Pump: Do you want a receipt?Me: No, can I please have the gas?
Pump: What are you wearing?Me: jesus christ
I think it's trying to get laid.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Reruns Already?
I was cleaning out my computer (because it keeps giving me error messages that say, "You expect me to remember that? I can barely remember how to start-up.") and found this. I wrote it when I was thinking about starting a blog a few years ago.
Saturday night is Halloween and I decided to have a party. I found these awesome heart and brain jell-o molds and I told the kids I'd make them for the party. Oh, and John is out of town.
I decided to start with the heart since it's smaller so if I goofed up, it'll be easier to clean-up. It's a heart so naturally the jell-o is red. The jell-o's boiling and I add extra gelatin to make sure it sets up good and firm. I've got the mold wedged in a bowl so it won't tip over.
<careful, careful, don't spill on the counter, don't spill on the floor, get it to the fridge, and it's in!>
Me: "Okay, nobody touch the fridge."
A little while later I open the fridge to check on the mold and it has tipped over. <shit> Red jell-o has slopped all over the bottom shelf and under the crisper drawers. I grab the mold and yell at the boys to help me. No response. I start yelling, "I NEED HELP IN HERE!" After the third shout, they saunter into the kitchen.
So I'm holding the dripping mold and need something to set it in.
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge."
Nothing
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge."
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge!!!"
Is English their second language?
One of them finally gets the bowl and sets it on the counter so I can put down the mold.
Me, with hands dripping red jell-o: "I need the paper towel"
No one moves
Me: "I need the paper towel"
Me: "I need the paper towel"
Me: "I NEED THE PAPER TOWEL!!!"
Boys, to each other: "You get the paper towel", "I don't want to get the paper towel", "I got the bowl, you get the paper towel", "Where's the paper towel?" And someone hands me half a sheet of paper towel.
Me: "Get out of the kitchen"
At this point, I really need to start swearing so they need to leave.
Me: "Get out of the KITCHEN!"
Boys: "Sheez, you said you wanted our help."
<fffffuuuucccckkkkkk>
Back to the fridge and the red jell-o. The jell-o that has started to set up so the shit all over the bottom shelf. And I was sooo smart to add extra gelatin. All I can manage to do is smear it all around. It looks like I'm wiping up from an autopsy. The paper towel keeps sticking to my fingers and I'm pretty sure I haven't cleaned this fridge since we bought it. The dog comes over and starts licking up jell-o and I find myself hoisting her up to get a better reach at the stuff way in the back......
Thank god I started with the heart, cause it'd be easier.....
<dumbass>
Saturday night is Halloween and I decided to have a party. I found these awesome heart and brain jell-o molds and I told the kids I'd make them for the party. Oh, and John is out of town.
I decided to start with the heart since it's smaller so if I goofed up, it'll be easier to clean-up. It's a heart so naturally the jell-o is red. The jell-o's boiling and I add extra gelatin to make sure it sets up good and firm. I've got the mold wedged in a bowl so it won't tip over.
<careful, careful, don't spill on the counter, don't spill on the floor, get it to the fridge, and it's in!>
Me: "Okay, nobody touch the fridge."
A little while later I open the fridge to check on the mold and it has tipped over. <shit> Red jell-o has slopped all over the bottom shelf and under the crisper drawers. I grab the mold and yell at the boys to help me. No response. I start yelling, "I NEED HELP IN HERE!" After the third shout, they saunter into the kitchen.
So I'm holding the dripping mold and need something to set it in.
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge."
Nothing
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge."
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge!!!"
Is English their second language?
One of them finally gets the bowl and sets it on the counter so I can put down the mold.
Me, with hands dripping red jell-o: "I need the paper towel"
No one moves
Me: "I need the paper towel"
Me: "I need the paper towel"
Me: "I NEED THE PAPER TOWEL!!!"
Boys, to each other: "You get the paper towel", "I don't want to get the paper towel", "I got the bowl, you get the paper towel", "Where's the paper towel?" And someone hands me half a sheet of paper towel.
Me: "Get out of the kitchen"
At this point, I really need to start swearing so they need to leave.
Me: "Get out of the KITCHEN!"
Boys: "Sheez, you said you wanted our help."
<fffffuuuucccckkkkkk>
Back to the fridge and the red jell-o. The jell-o that has started to set up so the shit all over the bottom shelf. And I was sooo smart to add extra gelatin. All I can manage to do is smear it all around. It looks like I'm wiping up from an autopsy. The paper towel keeps sticking to my fingers and I'm pretty sure I haven't cleaned this fridge since we bought it. The dog comes over and starts licking up jell-o and I find myself hoisting her up to get a better reach at the stuff way in the back......
Thank god I started with the heart, cause it'd be easier.....
<dumbass>
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Dog Boots, an Update
Abbey's boots arrived and they're way too small. I measured her foot just like they said on the website so I don't really know what went wrong. So here I sit, actually surprised that I incorrectly measured the dog's boot size.
John: That's what surprises you? Not that you ordered boots for the dog?
<shut up>
I'm going to send them to my mom for her tiny little dog, Lucy. Do I think she'll put them on Lucy? No.
But I know my niece will.
Score one for dog boots.
John: That's what surprises you? Not that you ordered boots for the dog?
<shut up>
I'm going to send them to my mom for her tiny little dog, Lucy. Do I think she'll put them on Lucy? No.
But I know my niece will.
Score one for dog boots.
Friday, February 8, 2013
I don't often wish for a girl
So there was an "incident" in the boys' classroom this week. I'm not going to tell you what happened because it would be hurtful to all involved, but I will tell you this. Boys suck at gossip.
Tom: he got suspended
Sam: he was sick
Tom: he got suspended and was sick
Sam: and it was his birthday
what?
Now you're just making shit up.
Tom: he got suspended
Sam: he was sick
Tom: he got suspended and was sick
Sam: and it was his birthday
what?
Now you're just making shit up.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Texting with John
(A few things you should know. First, I don't know how to put a text directly into a blog. Second, I don't like to shop so I order stuff online and return what doesn't fit or looks completely different from the photo. Sometime I'll order two sizes just to cover all bases. And lastly, I ordered snow boots for the dog. Don't judge me.)
John: Hey, I hate to be that guy who seems to penny pinch but $330 at garnet hill and gap today?
John: Although I'm aroused by whatever a printed skinny mini skimmer is - lol
John: Does daddy like?
John: Return just 1 leg of the pants? seems harsh.
John: Hey, I hate to be that guy who seems to penny pinch but $330 at garnet hill and gap today?
John: Although I'm aroused by whatever a printed skinny mini skimmer is - lol
John: Does daddy like?
Me: they're pants. Momma likes. Will most likely return half.
John: Return just 1 leg of the pants? seems harsh.
Me: pants are fuckers
John: So - who is getting the aqua cardigan with the village scene on the front?
Me: the dog, it matches her boots
Actually the cardigan is mine and the dog's boots will match the sweater that I knit for her. I'm serious. Manic phase. Say it with me.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Leavin' On A Jet Plane
John has a business trip today. He travels a lot so that isn't so unusual but today I met him for lunch before he left. Mainly because I was really hungry and had an errand to run across the street from the restaurant. So in the parking lot as he was getting ready to go, he said, "Give me a kiss. I might die in a plane crash this afternoon." "Yes, which means a really big settlement from the airlines so don't go limping away from it! GO TO THE LIGHT!!"
Friday, February 1, 2013
Robopocaplypse (I had to look up the spelling)
It's happening, people. It's been coming on for years and they just made their next salvo.
It started years ago with printers. They were the scouts, the recon patrol. The first wave. We brought them in to our offices. Just one at first, then they started popping up in every nook and cranny and then right on the desks. They drove us fucking crazy from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday. With their paper jams, and error codes, and those exasperating times when they just sat there and did nothing. But did we get rid of them? No, we bought more! And we brought them into our homes to drive us fucking crazy on our off hours. My household now has a wireless printer that talks to our computer, ipad and server (or router, I get those confused) without wires! It can even get to you outside! In no time it will be solar powered and able to roam freely throughout the house. (scaring the dog)
Then it was entertainment systems. TV's weren't enough. We need tvs, dvds, dvrs, and gaming systems. All hooked together and all with their own remote controls. We willing brought all of this into our homes to assist in their colonization of the family room.
The third wave....wireless servers (or routers, whatever) in our homes! When we moved into our house two years ago, the cable guy spent a considerable amount of time explaining to us why it needed to go in the master bedroom. I'm pretty sure he was just making up words. (really? is it the flux capacitor?) And my husband stood there nodding his head, like he understood it all. That cable guy was a robot and the server is in the closet to make it easier to kill us in our sleep.
And their latest move is the most genius of all. It's the dinging, and the buzzing, and the ringing. All over the house. From the phones, the smart phones, the ipads, the computers. Every time something makes a noise, I get up and walk around the house trying to find it. It's Pavlov's Fucking Dog!! They didn't even change the shtick!! And half the time the ringing and buzzing is just in my head! I'm anticipating the noises before they even come!
We're doomed, people! DOOMED! Head for the hills! I would, but I can't leave my iphone.
It started years ago with printers. They were the scouts, the recon patrol. The first wave. We brought them in to our offices. Just one at first, then they started popping up in every nook and cranny and then right on the desks. They drove us fucking crazy from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday. With their paper jams, and error codes, and those exasperating times when they just sat there and did nothing. But did we get rid of them? No, we bought more! And we brought them into our homes to drive us fucking crazy on our off hours. My household now has a wireless printer that talks to our computer, ipad and server (or router, I get those confused) without wires! It can even get to you outside! In no time it will be solar powered and able to roam freely throughout the house. (scaring the dog)
Then it was entertainment systems. TV's weren't enough. We need tvs, dvds, dvrs, and gaming systems. All hooked together and all with their own remote controls. We willing brought all of this into our homes to assist in their colonization of the family room.
The third wave....wireless servers (or routers, whatever) in our homes! When we moved into our house two years ago, the cable guy spent a considerable amount of time explaining to us why it needed to go in the master bedroom. I'm pretty sure he was just making up words. (really? is it the flux capacitor?) And my husband stood there nodding his head, like he understood it all. That cable guy was a robot and the server is in the closet to make it easier to kill us in our sleep.
And their latest move is the most genius of all. It's the dinging, and the buzzing, and the ringing. All over the house. From the phones, the smart phones, the ipads, the computers. Every time something makes a noise, I get up and walk around the house trying to find it. It's Pavlov's Fucking Dog!! They didn't even change the shtick!! And half the time the ringing and buzzing is just in my head! I'm anticipating the noises before they even come!
We're doomed, people! DOOMED! Head for the hills! I would, but I can't leave my iphone.
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