Best line from a book in a while

'When I was young I fantasized about the future....I was expecting us to be on other planets by now. I wanted genetic transformations and orbiting cities instead of Internet porn and small improvements in personal stereos.'

The Victoria Vanishes, Christopher Fowler

One Line Movie Review

47 Meters Down
After that many poor decisions, you deserve to be eaten by a shark.

Honestly, the last time we were in Mexico, they told us the mopeds would kill you.

This is NOT funny

It's not.  Really.  NOT Funny.

A French Fitness Blogger Has Died After A Whipped Cream Dispenser Exploded, Family Say

The worst part of summer vacation

If you're like me you stay up later than usual.  So it's 11:33, John's out of town, you're sipping a nightcap and have found an old episode of House on channel 1623 that you're convinced you've never seen.  Things are going fine until the next 3 minute infomercial break and suddenly Christie Brinkley's skin care regiment is starting to sound reeeeeally good.
Okay, go to bed.
Now.
You've probably seen this episode anyway and even if you haven't the last 7 minutes will be House discovering some unknown parasite that the aunt inadvertently brought back in a souvenir from an ashram in Bangladesh.  Or it's Lupus.
And you already bought those Wonder Woman shoes at 12:03 am last weekend. You've filled your crazy-quota for the week.

They are pretty awesome, though!

My favorite kid on the internet

The little girl who said this:

• A boy threw his candy wrapping in the floor and a 5-year-old girl screamed “DON’T POLLUTE YOU IDIOT, THAT IS WHY THERE ARE NO MEN IN TEMYSCIRA”

Politics getting you down?

Maybe this will help:

Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps to Race Against Great White Shark on 'Shark Week'

I'm not even going to read the article. The headline is too good.  I want it to happen exactly like it is happening in my head right now.

So many questions.....

How does the shark know that it's racing?

How do you get a shark to swim in a straight line?

Does the shark get a medal if it wins?

Why all the weird spacing in this post? 
Is it shark related?

The Lost Art of Gift Giving

A guy, who works for John, has a wife that recently had a baby.  Wow, that's a weirdly written sentence but anyway....

Sincerely,
Mrs. Fucking Claus

In Honor of the Tony Awards last night

John serenaded me with his version of "Where have all the Flowers Gone?"

From the bathroom,
John, "WHERE HAVE ALL THE BATH TOWELS GONE!?!?!?"
Me, "Long time paaaaaaaaassing"
John, "WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING TOWELS?!?!?!?!"
Me, "Long time agoooooooo"

At least no one needed a tetanus shot

So we've been tearing down an old deck this week and I've discovered that the boys can't dig a hole to save their lives.  Considering how many soldiers are in their family tree, they ought to be able to dig a latrine with their eyes closed.  I blame the schools. How do you get all the way through 9th grade, that's 10 years of public education, without a working knowledge of leverage?

Me, "wait...why are you....get the....put it....never mind"

And don't get me started on the tools,

Boy, "hand me the pliers."
Me, "Oh My God, those are not pliers, they're gardening shears. stop calling them pliers!" This is why we need to bring Shop back.

Then when John gets home, it's OSHA in the house and everyone needs eye protection.

Close Enough

Yes, they're wearing ski goggles.  Why? Because they couldn't find their swim goggles.

Summer Vacation

Me, "I told the boys that they're each going to be making dinner one night a week over the summer.  It's a good life lesson."
John, "And you don't want to make dinner."
Me, "And I don't want to make dinner."

My People are German so I can say this

great article on yahoo.

"President Trump woke up incensed Tuesday morning, apparently because after he finally got through lecturing European leaders about how they had to take more responsibility for themselves, Germany’s chancellor had the audacity to suggest that European countries should take more responsibility for themselves......

She said European powers “needed to take our fate into our own hands,” which prompted Trump to fire off an angry tweet assailing the trade gap with Germany and vowing to make the country spend more on defense.

Because what we really need are fewer BMWs manufactured in South Carolina and more of a German military presence in Europe. That’s always worked out great before."

I mean, really....