Teenagers are Hilarious

So I was helping out with inventory in the library this week.  Among other things, we needed to weed through the literary sets; those are the 60-100 copies of the same book that are checked out to english classes. You know how you had to read Romeo and Juliet in High School and everyone was given their own copy? That's a Lit Set.

Some books were no longer taught, some were in really bad shape, and others.....well.....

We had to go through all the copies of The Good Earth by Pearl Buck.  The kids had gotten creative with the lettering on the book covers and spines. Covering letters or parts of letters. Turning around 30 copies of The Good Earth by Pearl Buck into The Good Fart by Pearl Fuck.

Don't Mess with the System

Every once in a while John will get on facebook to see what's going on in the world.  (And by world, I mean microcosms of people who haven't been in the same room in years and if they all lined up you'd be hard pressed to remember which one was Darren.) I'm the only one with an account so he uses mine.

John, "Hey, it's <so and so's> birthday this week."
Me, <noncommittal grunt>
John, "Want me to send a birthday wish?"
Me, "NO!"
John, <mild shock at my empathic reaction>
Me, "Don't! Sending birthday wishes is a trap. I'm not on facebook everyday so I'm bound to miss someone so some people will get birthday wishes and some people won't get birthday wishes and it'll inevitably be a family member so I'll have to start checking everyday to make sure that everyone gets a birthday wish and I just don't need that stress in my life so instead of sending Everyone birthday wishes, No One gets birthday wishes that way it's all fair and square."
John, "That's messed up."
Me, "Is it? Is it messed up or is it genius?"
John, "Pretty sure it's messed up. Mainly because nobody cares."
Me, "Ah, but you're assuming all of this is happening outside my head. Rookie mistake."

Jackpot!

So the boys and I went to Target.  I had a few things to return and they wanted to look at the video games.  After my quick stop at customer service I wandered over to check out the toys then caught up with the boys to let them know that I was ready to check out.  Sam wanted the keys to the car but I was like, jeez this is only going to take a few minutes so you can just wait and he acted like the whole thing was going to fucking kill him.

Anyway at the self-checkout I scanned my three items and,
<throwing my arms in the air like I just don't care> "Hey, look, look, look!!"
One of the boys, "what?"
Me, "I returned three items from $34.61 and bought three completely different items for $34.61!"
Boy, "mffht"
Me, <looking around for the flashing lights. The sirens. The confetti>"Come on!  Where's Bob Barker? I'm heading to the Showcase Showdown!!"
Boy, "Can I have the car keys?"

When I got home, I showed the two receipts to John.

Me,  <wildly shaking the papers> "Look!" (blah blah blah as I explained what had happened)."
John, "I thought you were just returning things, what did you buy?"

Sheez, I'm so under appreciated. I'm not sharing my showcase with any of you!

Happy Birthday to Me

So I had a birthday this week. Typically we don't do much other than have a cake and maybe a nice meal out. I prefer to age in peace; with silent tears rolling down my cheeks as I contemplate a life mostly over and slip steadily towards death.  <heavy heavy sigh>  But maybe that's a tad dramatic? I realize that having a birthday is preferable to the alternative but are these really the only choices?  Continue Aging or Die. What's behind door #3? Can I buy a vowel?

Anyway, this year my friends threw a surprise party for me.  Boy, was I surprised.  Gobsmacked, would be an appropriate term.  Suzanne built a cover story that was worthy of an espionage thriller.  Ben Affleck snuck those dudes out of Iran with weaker legends. It started a few months ago when she asked me to fill out this survey for her kid homework assignment.  I quickly obliged and only slightly wondered why her 4th grader would need to know my favorite movies.  Whatever... I started indoctrinating the boys at a much earlier age so that now I live with two 15 year olds who are eager to watch a Korean monster movie with subtitles. That kind of thing doesn't occur naturally; it requires delicate engineering.  Maybe she was getting a late start on Eric.

Then a few weeks ago, she needed the boys to babysit.  No problem there.  They've been babysitting for a while and it works out great.  I take them over.  John and I go out for dinner or catch a movie or something. They drive the boys back home when they're done.

There were others texts and conversations that occurred, requests for assistance, general griping,  but it all culminated with me standing in her living room, holding three different clutch purses, staring at a group of friends, and telling John, "I haven't even showered today." You know how sometimes you leave the house and something feels off so you run through a mental checklist, teeth brushed-check, bra on-check, wallet, phone, shoes....I stood there wondering, "What am I wearing? Is it clean? Does it match?" Luckily, I was dressed surprisingly well for a Saturday and I didn't smell.  Two thumbs up!

Then I saw the cake!  Suzanne has a cake lady.  If you do not have a person in your life that has a cake lady then you have a hole in your life that needs to be filled.  Immediately.  With cake.  So that's what the survey was for.  Here's my fucking awesome cake:

Yes, That is a 2 foot tall Wonder Woman, stirring a witch's cauldron with the God Slayer!

Look at her hair!!

There was even a Face Hugger attached to a severed Trump head! 

Close-up of the God Slayer.  That Cake Lady is Good!

There was a Marvin the Martian in the treasure chest.

Me, "There's Marvin the Martian!"

Suz, "I know!"

Me, "I love Marvin the Martian!"

Suz, "Yeah, I know."

Me, "How?"

Suz, "Let me get you a drink."

It was fabulous and my friends are better than your friends! Thanks, Suzanne, Chris, Carol, Kerstin, Kirsten and Tammy!! See, I bet you only have one friend named Kirsten; see mine are waaaaay better!

-----

On the actual day,

Suzanne, "Your boys are so thoughtful. Did they do anything special for you this morning?"

Me, "Well, when they came into the kitchen and started their usual bitching at each other, I said Can We Have JUST ONE MORNING WITHOUT YOU TWO SNIPING AT EACH OTHER. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! 

They shut up and ignored each other until we left for school." 

So, yeah, they are very thoughtful.

Deconstruction

So this week the Librarians set up a Deconstruction Station where kids could come in and take apart different electronics and see what makes them tick.  Cool, right?  We had been collecting items for the last month or so.  What really helped were the 'special' garbage days when people could dump anything. I picked up a vacuum cleaner, a coffee pot, and an old computer monitor.  The monitor was especially exciting for the kids and they kept checking back to make sure they were really allowed to take it apart.  Like it could have been some type of Librarian trap, luring in unsuspecting kids and spitting them out in the front office for disciplinary proceeding. muhahahaha.

Things were going fine until a tech teacher came in.  Now my only experience with IT folk was in a corporate setting but it seems they're all punched from the same mold. "Did you save a copy?" "No, I didn't save a copy. Can you get it back?" Well, okay, those times were on me but it's the TONE. Ugh. Am I right?

So Copernicus comes in and says something to the effect of, "Oh you must enjoy electrocuting students.  You know those things can hold a charge?"

Naturally the Librarians were more than a little miffed because 1) thanks for pissing on our parade and 2) now they had to pull the monitor because this bozo came in and spilled stupid all over the floor.  

Unfortunately I was not present for this exchange and I sooooo wish I had been because, Sweetie Pie, ignoring the fact that it was unplugged in 1993, I've actually worked on those behemoths. You know what happened when you unplugged it? It turned off....that's it. Even if it did hold a charge somewhere in it's gargantuan guts, which it didn't, it couldn't have been much of charge because it took another 3 minutes to turn it back on. Don't get me started on the cpu that had to call up the mother ship every morning or the blue-screen of death lurking over your shoulder.  Why do you think we hung out at the water cooler? It wasn't just to talk about Friends. We were waiting for our fucking equipment to turn on.

So go on back to your computer lab with it's flat screens and ipads and automatic file saving and soft back lighting that is gentle on your precious eye sight. We need to set up next week's Electricity "Friend or Foe?" Station. It'll be over against a wall and everyone can stand in a bucket of water while sticking tools in the outlets. Who's first?