You're really not helping...

Me, "Wow, look at the size of this bug bite on my shoulder!"
Sam, "Where? Let me see."
Me, "I think it's a spider bite. I was re-shelving books back in the nonfiction section. Some of those books haven't been touched in years."
Sam, "I think it's from a botfly."
Me, "I've found spiders before."
Sam, "It's a botfly"
Tom, "It's not a botfly!"
Me, "What's a botfly?"
Sam, "A botfly. They lay their eggs inside you." <he starts feeling around the bite> "See how it's hard underneath? That will start moving around as the larva grows."
Tom, "Botflies are native to Africa.  It's not a botfly."
Sam, "Well, Ebola is native to Africa and it's in the U.S."
Tom, "That's true.......Don't worry, Mom. They don't harm the host. Except for the hole the larva leaves when it chews its way out."

As they were arguing about botfly behavior, I walked out of the room.
They didn't even notice.

I blame MTV

I am so tired of people spewing off sound-bites and acting like that makes them educated on a topic.

John and I took a breastfeeding class before the boys were born.  (The boys were born in Seattle which is full of Breast Nazis.  Oh, no, you can't say a word or even look sideways at someone breastfeeding in public but as soon as they take out a bottle, watch out.  You can say whatever the fuck you want. Anyway...) (And, yes, this was a very long time ago but I'm telling you anyway. ) We were told to bring a doll or stuffed animal on which to practice.  That should have been a red flag. You can't practice breastfeeding on an inanimate object.  They should have told us to bring a pet.  Anyway, as the nurse was standing up there expounding on the importance of breastfeeding, and John and I were making fun of the people sitting around us, this supposedly educated nurse said, "A study has shown that 80% of women breastfeed." and she wrote it on the blackboard. That got my attention, because c'mon, 80% of people can't agree on anything.  80% of women couldn't agree on Team Edward or Team Jacob.  When I got home I looked up the study.  It showed that 80% of women breastfeed while in the hospital.  Average hospital stay in the US? One day.  80% of women breastfeed for one day.  I'm not impressed. Let's double it.  80% of women breastfeed for 2 days.  Nope, that's still not doing anything for me.  You could go two days without eating.  80% of women don't eat.  C'mon, ladies, we're better than that.

What is really hacking me off these days is 'side effects'.  A acquaintance/friend of mine was having a medical issue.  A minor one that I felt totally qualified to armchair quarterback and I said, "You should go to your doctor, she could give you something for that."  She responded "Oh, those pills aren't good because they make you wander around in a daze."  Really?  Well, firstly, you're doing that already. Secondly, that is a possible side effect that some people in the trial experienced.  It's not guaranteed.  Wouldn't it be great if that 'loss of appetite' side effect was guaranteed? Who wouldn't take that drug?

When I started taking my new anti-depressants, something odd was happening which I can't even remember now so it must have stopped, but I asked my doctor if it could be caused by the new drug.  She pulled up the list of side effects and started rattling them off.  When she got to 'weird dreams', we both started laughing.  She reminded me that, "They have to put down everything that anyone experienced.  Every if it was only one person."  And that is what they do so they don't get sued by some moron who claims the drug gave her weird dreams that were causing her emotional distress which will make the news and then everyone will say, "Oh don't take that. It's bad." without knowing what the fuck they're talking about. Weird Dreams?  What does that even mean?  I had this dream once that Orlando Bloom really wanted me.  Was it weird? Yes. Am I complaining? No. No, sir, I am not. In fact if you could guarantee that weird dream, I'd chew those drugs like candy.  Then I would sue if the dreams stop.  The next headline you read will be "No. Cal Woman wins lawsuit against Big Pharma because Bloomimex stop working"

I won't even bother telling you about the dumb ass argument I got into with a PTA chair who read the title of an article and wanted to implement a program based on it.  Buuut, that's not even what the study showed.  But it all fell on deaf ears because, oh no, it's been proven.  God, and her program was ridiculous too but whatever.  I'm rambling....

....so.....what was my point here?......Oh, if you haven't read the entire article, shut up.

It's Beeeautiful!

The boys had another orthodontist appointment so, naturally, I was in a bad mood.  John, looking to cheer me up, said he'd take me to the mall and get me something pretty.

Ray, when someone asks if you're a god, you say yes!

Boys are Gross

So, Sam came home from school and announced, "I think I have bedbugs."
Me, "What?"
Then he proceeded to show me a bunch of red spots all over his arms.
Me, "Huh......Are they anywhere else?"
He lifted his shirt and, sure enough, they were on his stomach and back.
Me, "Drop trou."
Sam, "What?"
Me, "Drop trou. Drop your pants. I want to see if they're on your legs."
(Sam's favorite expression quickly be came 'drop trou'. Luckily he forgot about it just as quickly because, name one situation where a 13 year old boy saying 'drop trou' is not inappropriate. Go one, name one.)
Yep, they're on his legs too.
Well, hell.

So I did what any mother would do in the same situation and googled bedbugs.  First thing I learned was that they are way bigger than I thought. Like the size of ticks. Well, hell, that's big enough to notice.  You'd certainly notice something that big, right? Secondly, the bites take a few days to show up so I quickly decided he got them at the house we rented the weekend before, despite the fact that both boys slept in the same bed but only Sam had spots.  I based this conclusion on the fact that bedbugs in someone else's house is much better than bedbugs in my house. Thirdly, I started itching.  Tom, who was googling bedbugs too, informed us, "It says here that the involuntary scratching you develop while talking about bugs is psychological. That's interesting."  Me, "Yeah, I know that." <scratch> <scratch>

Me, "Okay, let's wash your sheets." Sam and I walked into his room and stripped the bottom bunk of his bunk beds.  We threw all the sheets into the washer and set it to run on the Scalding Hot setting.  Then we threw his pillows and quilt in the dryer, again set to run on super hot for 40 minutes.  Google said 30 minutes so 40 must be better, right? Right.  Then we walked back into his bedroom and both stared at the top bunk.  Sam, "Shouldn't we wash those too?"  Me, "Umm....let's start with the bottom.....I'm pretty sure you got the bites at the house in Monterrey." Besides, all the websites said that bedbugs are next to impossible to get rid of on your own so just call an exterminator; and if they're in one room then they're everywhere. Then I start scratching my arm again.  Tom, walks in "You know, that's psychological."  Me, "Yeah, thanks."

Back to the computer for more googling.  Me, "Hey, it says they leave bit marks in a very distinctive rows.  Yours aren't in rows, so that's a good sign." Sam pulled up his shirt and showed me bites across his stomach that appeared to kinda be in rows.  Me, "Well.....I guess those few look like rows but the rest don't" A few minutes later, "They're supposed to itch. Do yours itch?"  Sam said, "kinda" and started getting upset. Sam, "I'm getting grossed out. Why did you say it was bedbugs? "Me, "I didn't say it was bedbugs! You said it was bedbugs! I would have said it was something you ate!" I started vigorously scratching the side of my head.  Me, "I need to stop talking about this for now."  Tom, "That's scratching is psychological." Me, "YES! I know."

A few minutes later I got back on the computer. Apparently you're supposed to wrap the mattresses in plastic for 6 months.  Oh, that's convenient.  Bedbugs can also hide in the headboard but the websites  don't specify fabric headboards. Why don't any of the website say that you're safe with wooden headboards? Not even one. They hide in wooden furniture? How?  And, wait, you have to fill in all the cracks in your walls because bedbugs can flatten themselves to width of a credit card and hide in your walls?? Well, what if you live on a major fault line and cracks just happen from time to time but you don't really care because one day the 'big one' will hit and then you'll be sitting on water front property?  HUH? WHAT THEN?? And I noticed that my arm was halfway down the back of my shirt madly scratching.  Tom, "You know, that's psychological."  Me, "YES, TOM. I KNOW."  I set the computer down and walked away to stare at Sam's bed again.

About this time, John texted.  <how's it going?>
Me, <Sam has bedbugs>
John, <WHAT? From our HOUSE?>
Me, <Oh god, no.  Definitely from the house in Monterrey>
John, <You sure?>
Me, <Either that or we have to move>

The spots were gone a day later.  Me, "See, I told you it wasn't bedbugs."

Just a couple of Adrenaline Junkies

So it was pouring rain all weekend so John and I dropped the boys at the movie theater.  They went to see Jupiter Ascending, and here's the best part, we Didn't.  

We found ourselves with 2 hours on our hands,
John, "What do you wanna do?"
Me, "I dunno."
<silence>
Me, "What do you wanna do?"
John, "I dunno."
<silence>
Me, "Wanna go to the used bookstore?"
John, "No."
<silence>
John, "We could return that bag to the mall."
Me, "I don't have the receipt."
<silence>
John, "I considered going to the movie with the boys...."
Me, "ugh."
<silence>
John, "uhhhh"
Me, "uhhhh"
Being the rabble rousers that we are, we ending up getting a coffee and going to the grocery store.  Let the good times roll!

Holy Crap - They've got T-Shirts!

Gotta Get Me One of These!

Books cause cancer

Books have joined the long list of things that cause cancer in the state of California; along with Starbucks, Disneyland, and lumber.  I feel sorry for those of you who don't live here so are unaware of the health risks they face everyday.  I'm going to google prop 65 and see who started this whole thing.....

It's like walking through a mine field....

John was sitting on the couch yesterday when I walked into the kitchen.

Me, "Have you noticed anything different lately?"

<John sighs and looks up to the heavens>  He hates this game.

John,  "I JUST got home.  I haven't had a chance to look anywhere in the house. I haven't even been in the bedroom yet"
Me, "No, not with  the house. Do you notice anything about my eyes?"
John, "OH that, yeah, they seem clearer lately.  More sparkly."
Me, "No, I got this new eye cream that is supposed to dismiss the dark circles under my eyes. Can you tell?"
John, "Oh, for fuck's sake. How was I supposed to guess that?"

He's just upset 'cause he never wins.

Well, we did just see Selma

So the boys had eye appointments this afternoon.  Sam went back first for the preliminaries and returned to the reception area to wait for his eyes to dilate.  As he was walking past me he said, "I've got 20/15 vision! I'm better than perfect!" Then he sat down, leaned towards me and said in a quieter voice, "I have to see another doctor.  He said it would be a darker man."  Me, "what?"  Sam, "A darker man."

In the next 3 seconds the following flew through my mind.  "What? Sure, he was an older white man but come on, you don't get all racially inappropriate in the middle of an eye exam.  And to a kid. What the hell.  And to think we just saw Selma and were discussing how racism still exists and then something like t......"

And then the pieces fell into place, "It's Doctor Mann. You have to wait to see Doctor Mann."

Sam, "aaaahhhhhhh"

I couldn't stop laughing.

It was a bad call, Ripley. A bad call.

I can't decide which was worse.  Passing on the one yard line with seconds left on the clock or running the Dead Kid ad.  It's a tough call.

Why? Why? Why?

Jump Scare

John and I finished playing Dead Rising.  We'd completed all the missions, found all the blueprints, had all the combo-vehicles.  We'd reached level 50 and killed countless zombies.  (Actually, they were countable, something like 64,000 ish.)

Anyway, we started a new game that I found called Alien, Isolation.  Sam, "Oh, that's a jump scare game."  Me, "huh?"

We started playing and it was vastly different than Dead Rising.  It was much slower paced and very quiet.  You start out on a ship with four other people but are quickly alone on a space station.  It was like a really big floating airport and in complete disarray.  Luggage all over, stuff piled up, knocked over and falling down.  And it's really quiet, did I mention that?  Oh, and you're not supposed to run because it can attract unwanted attention.  So we're sneaking around, peeking around corners, collecting different items, climbing through ducts, completing one small mission at a time, all alone, in this big empty space airport, you can't climb over anything so you're always taking the long way around, very methodical, low key music, very steven spielberg waiting for the shark to appear and Sam can barely sit still, "I can't take this! The suspense is killing meeee...aaahhhh. Something's over there. Oh, oh no, it's not. I can't take this. Ahhhh" Tom is looking up hints on the computer, helping us find our way through the maze, completely unfazed. Meanwhile Sam is slowing inching his way out of the room.  And this was going on for over an hour when we finally ran into another person, Axel.  He was a good guy but not a "good guy". Then we had to sneak past some bad guys and Axel gets killed and we run into a tram and turn around to close the door and there's an alien RIGHT THERE and Sam and I both screamed at the top of our lungs. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH" Sam made a beeline for his bedroom.  Both of the sleeping dogs flew off their beds, "What? What's going on? Is it the squirrel? Where is he?" I looked over at John and said, "That scared the shit out of me!" <pant> <pant> "Did that scare you?" John was just sitting there on the couch, staring at the t.v., "yes."  Me, "Should be stop playing now?" John, "yes."

so that's a jump scare....

maybe we should get a nice Lego game....