Crate Training 201

When we first got Abbey, she stayed in her crate whenever we left the house.  She had one of those all metal cagey ones because that's what they told us to buy.  She hated it.  Hated!  When we put her in it,  she barked and whined until we left the house and started up again when the we pulled the car into the garage.

So one day,  John and I were wondering how long it took for her to calm down after we left the house.  It didn't occur to us that perhaps she did not calm down.  Why that's just crazy.  So we came up with this great plan.  We'd set up the video camera and leave the house for a 'test' period.  John set up the camera on the desk across from the bed and made sure that it was pointed at the crate that was maybe 2 feet from the side of the bed.  It was very exciting, we were like spies.  I think we were gone for maybe 45 minutes.  We left the house to the sound of her freaking out and returned to the sound of her freaking out and reviewed the tape to see 45 minutes of her freaking out.  Well, that's just great.  We adopted a traumatized dog and we're not helping.  And we have the documentation to prove it.  She eventually shook the whole crate apart and we came home one day to a tangle of metal rods and dog.  At least she was quiet.

Fast forward a week and my friend's 19 year old daughter came over to house sit, and low and behold, what is set up and pointed at the bed?  A video camera.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  "We were video taping the dog."  "Really."

*We're not the worst dog owners, really.  Our first dog was a greyhound, a retired racer.  Best dogs ever.  Ever!  And laaaazy.  He'd run like the wind for an hour and then lay on the couch for the rest of the week.  My kinda dog.  He came to us fully trained and we slowly broke him of all his good habits and replaced them with our bad ones.  Now that is dog ownership.

Crate Training 101

Or maybe I should say Re-Crate Training.  Crate Re-Training.  Whatever.  When we brought Alice home, on the first night, she went straight into her kennel and slept all night just fine.  Good Dog!  We adopted the smartest dog in town!  Well done, us!  The next morning, when I left the house, she went right into her crate and laid there quietly while I left.  When I returned, she was laying quietly in her crate and stayed that way until I let her out.  Wow.  That was easy.  We are the best dog owners. Ever.

Fast forward one week and when I put her in the crate to leave the house, she cried and cried and yelled and cried some more.  When I got home she cried until I let her out.  And when she exited the crate she was followed but the shreds of whatever I had put in the crate to make her comfy.   She has shredded two pillows, chewed more holes in her fleece blanket than a block of Swiss cheese and when I threw in a grey t-shirt, it came out as grey cotton dust.  That was actually impressive.  Nights were still going alright so I was sure the daytime struggles were just part of her adjustment process.  Right?  Right.

Fast forward another week and she's doing so great that we let her sleep on a pillow over night, next to Abbey.  She's a rock star.  Laid down and slept all night.  Until two nights ago when she woke up at some point during the night and pooped in the bathroom.  Half points for being in the bathroom; full points if she had pooped in the toilet.  Next night, more pooping.  Well, that's just fantastic.  It's the Box of Shame for you.  Drag, push, slam, lock and good night, Irene.  And for 43 minutes, she whined and cried and howled and yipped and made these funny little howlly-banshee sounds and oh, sweet jesus, shut up!  Abbey left her pillow and went to the other side of the bed because 'bitch is loud'.  So I ignored her and ignored her some more and then talked soothingly to her and reassured her that she's okay and John came in and yelled "What in the hell is going on in here?!?"  and I replied, "That's not helping!!"  So I pulled her crate right over to the side of my bed and laid down with my arm hanging off the bed so my fingers would fit through the bars and she could lick my fingers.  She finally quieted down but I was really uncomfortable (and if this goes on much longer I'm going to end up with the first documented case of adult-onset sclerosis)  not to mention, mildly freaked out because it's all started to feel like that scary story from Girl Scout camp.

So the next night, I took the dogs out to potty then we all went straight into the bedroom.  Abbey laid down on her pillow.  I stood at the sink and brushed my teeth.  Alice stood behind me and peed on the  floor.  BOX OF SHAME!

This blog, it's….it's my note….

That's what people do, don't they?  They leave a note.

(some people won't get that and that's just sad)

So when I take Abbey outside, I don't always have her on a leash because she comes when I call her.  And she knows not to go in the street.  She walks down the street and stays on the sidewalk, like god intended.  She's been off leash in the front yard, walking around the neighborhood and at the beach.  When we're driving somewhere, I let her in the garage, off leash, and she sniffs around and then jumps in the car.  Unless she doesn't want to go, then she goes back inside and jumps on Tom's bed.

The first time I tried that with Alice, she sniffed around the garage, sniffed around the driveway, sniffed around the side yard, and then we played this fantastic game called "chase me around the yard, yelling at me."  The second time, she dashed out between my legs and ran into the street.  Scared the hell out of us.

Well, Free-Reign privileges have been unequivocally revoked.  Back in the box, little cow.  Now when  Alice and I leave the house via car,  I keep the garage door closed and open the car door.  Alice sniffs around the garage, sniffs around the car, sniffs around the old paint cans that I'm getting rid of with cat litter.  (Alice, No.  Stay away from that.)  Finally she'll sniff around the open car door.  And she does that leaning-back thing that pole vaulters do before they jump, like she's checking out the angles.  Then she sniffs around a bit more and goes under the car.  Checking the trans axle fluid or something.  "ALICE!"  Finally I pick her up and toss her in the car.  And as I explain to her the need and ease of jumping in a car, I put on my seat belt and start the car.  And I remind her that she's a good girl and Abbey jumps in the car so she can jump in the car too.  She just needs to try.  And aren't car rides fun, good girl?  And, oh shit, the garage door is still closed!!!!!  I shudder to think how many brain cells I've killed this way.

So when you read about the lady who killed herself, and her little white dog, in her garage, you can assure the world that "No, she wasn't suicidal.  Just moronic."  How's that for my epitaph?

"Here Lies Jennifer Moore, the Dumbshit"

It beats this:

That's just mean.

Stupidest Article on the Internet

"5 Biggest Mistakes You Make when You Dust"

Thank you, Yahoo.  This was keeping me up at night….

Moore Inc.

Driving home from breakfast.  The whole family is in the car and Alice is on my lap.

Me, "You know, I think we needed her."

John, "Let's not get carried away here.  She's been moderately successful in her role.  We can revisit this at her 6 month review." <pause> "I especially like how she poops and then steps in it.  Was that one of her corporate goals or was it a personal goal?"

Really?

So I'm at the grocery store getting a bottle of Proseco.  My new favorite drink.  The cashier cards the gal in front of me and the gal behind me.  Really?  Couldn't you have carded me out of common courtesy?

Cashier:  "I'm gonna need your i.d. and your i.d.  You, ma'am, I'll get you some help out so you can keep your hands firmly affixed to your walker."

Pinterest

I started a Pinterest page.  Mainly out of laziness.  I used to find things on the internet, print them off and give them to my friends.  "Look at this cool planter box!  We should build this!"  This saves paper, and human interaction.  Score!

Unfortunately I keep calling it "Pin-Interest" and my friend, Tina, keeps calling me a moron.

So far this is all I have on my page:

The internet is such an awesome time vampire.

Vacation Time

So we're watching the Olympics and they ran that hilarious Cadillac Ad.

Awesome Cadillac Ad

And we're laughing and John says, "I've got to show that to they guys I work with in France"

Sam, "What does it mean to take the month of August off, I don't get it?"

John, "In France, they take vacation for the whole month of August."

Sam, "Really? Even the kids?"

Me, "It's summer vacation for the kids so there isn't school."

John, "So I'd take the whole month off if we lived there."

Me, "I don't get time off so I wouldn't."

John, "You get every day off."

Me, "Really? I'm going to start taking every day off.  Starting tomorrow."

Sam, "Dad...we're gonna die."

New Pic of Alice - So cute!

It's all in the Timing

So this area's been in a drought since we moved here three years ago but this week it starts raining.  Just in time for me to house train a new dog.  Perfect.

Me: "Alice go potty"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Me: "Alice Go Potty"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Me: "Alice!"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Me: "ALICE! Go Potty!"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Me: "ALICE GO POTTY"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Me: "POTTY"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Neighbor: "Sounds like the Moore's got a new dog"

<raining>

<raining>

<raining>

Neighbor: "Named Alice"

Me: <sigh> "good dog"

Dear Alice,

STOP SHITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!


**********

Sam, "Mom! She pooped again!"
Me, "#$%^&*"
Sam, "I'm great at finding poop.  I'm the Poop Finder."
Me, "Well, I'm promoting you to Poop Preventer…….Hey, get back here…."

**********

John, "So, how do you teach her not to crap in the house?"
Me, "Well, I caught her earlier and got her outside before she did anything."
John, "But how do you teach her?"
Me, "Um…I'm just going to…. hmm…teach her."
John, "So you're going to teach her."
Me, "yeah?"
John, "Good plan"

And she keeps stealing my slipper

I told her to stop acting like a stereotype but she won't listen.

New Additional to the Family!

This is Alice

Alice the camel

She has one hump

Everybody now!  Alice the camel has five humps.  Alice the camel has five humps.  Alice the camel has five humps.  So go Alice go! boom boom boom

Abbey:  <stop singing that silly song>…..<yes, she's very cute>…..<wait, she's staying?>…..<why don't I have a silly song?>