Turkey Butter

Not what you were expecting, huh?

Gobble, Gobble

Later that day…..

Me:  "So the girls are coming over tomorrow for dinner."

John: "Is the new one coming?"

Me:  "Huh?"

John:  "You know….Joey…. Marky…. something…."

Me:  "DeeDee?"

John:  "That's it.  I knew it was one of the Ramones."

Our morning at Starbucks

Abbey and I were sitting outside in the sunshine.  John walks inside for a coffee and comes out 11 minutes later.  "I got a gingerbread latte with molasses drizzle.  There's no fucking coffee in that place anymore."

Then his story continues.

"So there's this old couple in there.  Skipper and the Misses stop by for coffee; so cute.  He's 100 years old.  She's a decade younger; all dolled up so she's clearly the brains of the operation.  She's in line to order and Skipper's wandering around the place, jingling his keys and looking for a hardware store.  She's looking around like, "uh oh, where'd he go".  He comes up behind me, rockin' the double hearing aids, taps me on the shoulder to let me know he's with her.  She does a pretty good job ordering and they step aside.  People are bobbing and weaving all around them; names are being shouted, coffee's walking off the counter left and right.  Their food comes up and Skipper's confused because their drink aren't there. Pretty soon he bellies up to the bar for whatever drink comes up next.  A few of us are smiling and chuckling and others are rushing up, scared to death that Skipper's gonna take their half-caf, soy, peppermint cup of pie.  Dude just wants a cup of coffee.  Man, society's crumbling….I blame Starbucks."

Conversation with my Car

Oh, if my car could talk…..

stayed up to late last night, tired this morning, boys are off to school, on my way to the gym, in the car….

Me:  "why aren't we starting?"
Car: "no keys"
Me:  "crap"

out of the car, back in the house, grab the keys, out of the house, back in the car, throw keys in cup holders, buckle seat belt, check phone for texts….

Car: <sigh>

oh, funny text from Tina about text messages from a dog, laugh, laugh, laugh, respond to text, toss phone of passengers seat, reach over for seat belt….

Me: "where's the seat belt?"
Car: "I think you're the only person in the world who does this."
Me:  "huh?"
Car: "you're already wearing the seat belt."
Me: "yes, well, most people in the world don't drive."

start to back out of garage...

Car: "is the garage door open?"
Me: "I only did that once.  Jeez."

back into driveway, wow, really sunny, stop the car, search around…..

Me: "where are my sunglasses?"
Car:  <sigh> "in the house."
Me: "crap"

out of car again, back in house again, find sunglasses, back out of house, back in car, okay here we go...

Me: "why aren't we moving?"
Car: <sigh>
Me: "what?!"
Car: "not in gear"
Me: "shit"
shift into drive
Car: "vroom"

back out of driveway, still bright out, flip down sun visor, heading down street…

Me: "why is it still so bright? I can't see a thing! What the h..."
Car: "close sunroof cover."
Me: "oh, thanks."

driving….

Me: "somedays, I wonder how I make it out of the house….."
Car: "it's a fucking miracle."

Happy Thanksgiving?

Last sunday was like any other sunday except the turkeys came to visit.  One jumped up on the fence and pranced around for a while thrilling the humans and completely confusing the dog.

gobble gobble gobble

On the one paw, this is her yard and she protects it from bird or squirrel or neighbor cat alike.  On the other paw, this is quite large. Possibly a bird, but perhaps not.  And why is it looking at us like that?  What does it want?  My bone is out there.  So as we were being amazed at it's size and beautiful feathers and discussing it's possibly gimpy foot, Abbey was running back and forth doing this….

---------------------------> ggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<--------------------------wwwwwwwhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeeee

---------------------------> ggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<--------------------------wwwwwwwhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeeee

---------------------------> ggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<--------------------------wwwwwwwhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeeee

---------------------------> ggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<--------------------------wwwwwwwhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeeee

Me: "abbey."

---------------------------> ggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<--------------------------wwwwwwwhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeeee

Me: "abbey."

---------------------------> ggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<--------------------------wwwwwwwhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeeee

John: "Don't let the dog out.  I don't want her to scare the turkey."

Me: "I don't think that's going to be a problem."

Book Review

So last week I finished my 6 book "Novels of Terror" series, followed it up with a Young Adult distopia book and desperately needed a palette cleanser.  I've had "Mr. Penumbra's 24 Hour Bookstore" on my kindle list for quite so time and now seemed like the perfect time to read it.  I'm about halfway through and it's great!!  It's full of quirky characters, that say things like:

"….when people are past a certain age, you sort of stop asking them why they do things.  It feels dangerous."

and
"She's wearing the same red and yellow BAM! T-shirt from before, which means (a) she slept in it, (b) she owns several identical T-shirts, or c) she's a cartoon character -- all of which are appealing alternatives."

The narrator's voice makes me wish we were friends.  AND, there's a mysterious group of book-readers who are trying to solve the mysteries of the universe.  Can you beat that??  So if you're looking for your next book to read, I highly recommend "Mr. Penumbra's 24 Hour Bookstore" by Robin Sloan.    It's the kind of book that has you re-reading lines because they feel good.

Unless the ending sucks, in which case, never mind….

Robopocaplypse - A Reprieve

So for the last 6 months or so we've had this new Comcast service.  Whenever we get voice mail, Comcast sends a transcript of the message to our email.  I'm sure you have this too.  I don't know how you feel about this but I think it's possibly the very best service Comcast provides.  Other than sporadically dropping my Internet service until I complain to my husband and then when he checks it every thing's fine.  I love that too.  But the emails are great.  For one, I get my messages much sooner because I check email daily but probably only check voice mail weekly.  And only if the blinking light is really bugging me.  It's an even more fantastic service when you factor in the entertainment value.  Here are the last two messages left by my mom; a clear speaking mid-westerner lady that speaks with no accent whatsoever….

I love how it inserts question marks when it's unsure about what was said.  Implying that it was quite sure about all the other stuff.  I don't even check voice mail anymore.  I just read the emails and try to figure out what the message was about.  It's my very own personalized game show and it's way more fun than my Riddle-A-Day app.  And harder.

More importantly it makes me feel far more hopeful about humanities chances in the upcoming Robopocaplypse.  As long as we plan all of our defensive strategies via voice messaging, that is.  The computers will never stop our raid against the main power grid; they'll be too busy staking out Raymond's powder room.  

Kids say the darnedest things

Tom, coming in from the patio, "don't go out there.  I was talking to dad and then....and then...."

Sam, "then what? Then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two. There was blood and a single gun shot but just who shot, who?"

Oh, You Know Me So Well

My friend, Tina, called me yesterday.

Tina:  "Lisa asked me if I remembered the name of your favorite Chardonnay."
Me: "Yeah?"
Tina: "I told her I was pretty sure it's whatever you're drinking at the time."

Got it in one.

Best Book Quote this Week.....

"...if someone asks me how many people work in this office, I say, 'About half'."  Nelson DeMille, The Panther