This is where I live...

So Tom got his braces off this week.  While he was still in the back room, the hygienist came out and said that the orthodontist recommended a fluoride treatment because of blah, blah, blah, some horrible problem in his mouth, as usual, and I said 'ok' so that she'd go away.

When he was all finished the orthodontist came out into the waiting room with him to let me know that I needed to make an appointment with his regular dentist as soon as possible so he could start treating the 'problem areas'. Okay, whatever, crazy person, go away.

Here's Tom's problem mouth:

still ZERO cavities

Apparently there are white spots on his teeth that are whiter than the rest.  Welcome to San Ramon, where only perfection is good enough.

They also gave me a gift card and at first I thought it was for a restaurant, "Yea, no cooking tonight!" But it wasn't for a restaurant, it was for a discount at a portrait studio and I laughed out loud which really flustered her but it was so random.  Like getting a tune-up and having the mechanic hand you a bag of goldfish.  Okay...why?

Alter-Egos

We LOVE Bob's Burgers.  We've binged watched the first 5 seasons and are starting on the 6th.

By the way, seasons 1, 2, 3, 4 and 6 are streamable.  The 5th is not and you know why? Because they know that you'll buy the 5th season because you don't want to miss any of them and you'll buy it for a stupid amount of money.  Well played, Mr. Bob's Burgers, well played.

So we've seen most of the episodes and some we've watched over and over, and still laugh just as hard. And every once in a while John will say, "I don't want to be raised by Gene-Dad." or "Let's pick at that scab and see if it bleeds." and we'll laugh and laugh and laugh. If you're not watching this show, you've got to start.

Anyway, this week I was walking around Target, and not having a particularly good day, when I turned a corner and there was a Pop figure of Linda Belcher.  My first thought was, "Awwww, look Bobby."  The universe had given me a Linda.  Naturally I bought it.

When I got home I took Linda out of her box and sat her on my nightstand next to Wonder Woman. And then, holy crap, look what I discovered.

Now look at that and tell me that Linda Belcher is NOT Wonder Woman!

I don't like Mondays, da da da (Still)

You know that song, right?? Anyway, my week has starting out with this email to Tom's core teacher:

Good Morning,

Just a quick notes, I told Tom that we were going to opt out of the standardized testing because I didn't want him getting more stressed out.  I wrote up a note for him to give you but that made him more nervous because now he would be doing something different than all the rest of the kids so my attempt to make things better may have actually made things worse so "well done, me".  Best of luck with that.

Jennifer ;)

It's a bad time to stop sniffing glue....

The boys are in 8th grade so the last several weeks have consisted of various meetings aimed at getting them ready for high school.  No, that's not true, the meetings were aimed at getting the kids into college. At some point we jumped right over the high school experience and went straight to freaking out about college. And yes, you can hire someone right now to start prepping your kid to get through his college entrance interview.

The first meetings were held in the library and the 8th graders meet with the 8th grade counselor. I'm sure at some point the purpose of these meetings was to let the kids know what was required to get a high school diploma, entrance into a UC school or entrance into a USC school so make sure you register for the right classes.  Now it's "Scared Straight The College Years".  I have heard this talk twice because I happened to be helping in the library when it was given for the last two years.  The phrase used most often by the counselor was "It's not enough that you (fill in the blank)" and she goes on to inform the kids that they will not get into college unless they have a 5.0, multiple extra curricular activities, volunteer hours, speak three languages and develop an smart phone app that provides clean water to an impoverished third world village. When one student asked about after school jobs, the counselor actually said, "Having a job doesn't count." This lecture is messed up beyond belief.

When it was time for the boys to get "the talk", I decided to keep one of the boys home because he was already stressed out but I let the other one sit through the lecture.  Can you guess which was which? I knew I'd made the right decision when I had this conversation with Sam,
Me, "So how'd the High School talk go?"
Sam, "Well, I'd taken an allergy pill in the morning so I kinda fell asleep in the middle"
Me, <face palm>
And Tom maintained a elevated stress level due to hearing how hard everything would be from his regular teachers but he didn't go fully ballistic. So well done, me.

After the counselor finished meeting with all the kids, it was the parents' turn. I knew immediately that this was not the same talk she gave the kids because she was smiling.  She introduced herself and said that she'd been the one scaring the kids over the last two weeks and everyone laughed because it sounded like a joke.  She also presented 'not going to college' or 'attending community college' as a viable option rather than what the losers do. I will give her credit for realizing that there were probably folks in the audience that fell into those two categories so she'd better tone things down. I left about half way through when it became apparent that all she was going to do was read through the informational packet and I didn't need to have it read to me. I could to that myself later that night while sitting on the toilet.  (She also started late and spent the first 5 minutes talking about something that had nothing to due with the meeting. That kind of shit pisses me off.)

FYI for the handful of parents concerned that their child might not be able to take AP calculus as a senior, if you can't figure out the math class flowchart, your child probably isn't AP material.  Just saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The following week was orientation at the High School.  It started off with a pep rally that I found weird and made me laugh even thought it wasn't supposed to be funny.  The Cheerleaders did cheerleading stuff. Fine, I'm with you so far. Then the emcee introduced the Stunt Team and explained, "the stunt team is a group that does different types of stunts." Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.  As far as I could tell the Stunt Team was just another group of cheerleaders and we moved from that into the Color Guards that did not present colors, the Drum Line that wasn't in a line and the Song Team didn't sing.  This was followed up with an Open House in which 90% of the classrooms were closed.  I guess in high school we just call things whatever we want. So when you call something an honors class, is it really an honors class?  I'm going to start calling myself an astronaut.

Another pet peeve of mine, cheerleading is not a sport. Again you can call it whatever you want but if it was really a sport, they wouldn't be wearing make-up.  Just saying.

The final meeting was, well, I can't really remember the purpose of the final meeting but it involved a slide presentation.  The kids got a binder of important information at least I assumed it was important but at that point they could have handed everyone a box with a squirrel in it and I wouldn't have blinked.  I guess we did learn how to log on to the system to select the two electives and two alternate electives, which is all 9th graders really get to choose. Unless your child is going to be taking college level courses in high school then there are a few extra hoops to jump through. Now that whole program is interesting because if it continues to expand then eventually your kid can take all of his college courses while still in high school and you'll no longer have to deal with the whole headache of college admissions.  In the meantime, I think I'll let the guys take their college courses when they get to college.  I know, color me crazy but I'm just too tired for all the bullshit.

And, Ms. High School Counselor, if you are going to dedicate an entire slide and talking point to the importance of being on time, you should start your meeting on time.  Also I have a college textbook somewhere in my garage that will explain why lengthening the 'pass-through' times will not solve your tardiness problem, it will only hide it better.

But regardless of all the crap, Sam left excited for high school and Tom left a little less nervous and I left very glad that it hadn't rained so Mission Accomplished. High School here we come!

I don't like Mondays, da da da...

So the boys and I got loaded up in the car to drive to school and, low and behold, one of the doors didn't get closed completely last night and the car battery was dead.  I haven't had a dead battery in decades, literally, and it kind of took me by surprise how things have changed.

For one, remember that telltale <click> you used to get when your battery was dead? You'd turn the key, hear the <click> and think <shit>.  It doesn't click anymore.  I got in, pushed the button and heard <wrrrr> <What the hell's that?> .  I pushed the button again and again it went <wrrrr> <Oh, the battery must be dead>. And my next thought was <I didn't think a dome light could kill a battery anymore.  With all the technical advancements in my car, how is that still possible?> Followed quickly by <Does anyone even own jumper cables anymore?>

So I called John, who was out of town, to make sure we had roadside assistance, then called the phone number on the back of my insurance card and arranged to have someone come out and jump my car.  "How would you like to be informed of his arrival time? Phone call, text or email?"  "text, please" Then I called to see which friend was answering their phone at 7:44 am and could drop my kids at school.  I did all of this without leaving the comfort of the drivers seat.  Technology is awesome.  In the meantime, John had sent me a text asking if I wanted him to arrange an Uber to take the boys to school.  I had completely forgotten about that option and I still hadn't gotten out of the car.  What a glorious time to be alive.

Here was the fun part, "Okay, guys, out of the car, we're going to roll in out of the garage and into the driveway."  (This, by the way, is unnecessary because they have these little hand held battery/jumper cable things.  It was really  cute and now I want one.) Anyway, the boys get out of the car and I tried to put the car in Neutral.  Which you can't do anymore. Damn safety features.  Yet the dome light can still kill the battery. Interesting. So I was sitting there, staring at the gear shift, looking for the magic button that was going to let me put the car in neutral because damn if I was going to read the Owner's Manual. I'm a Dawson and Dawson's don't read instructions.  (this made for interesting conversations when John and I first started playing board games together. "That's not in the rules. Where are the instructions?"  "Instructions are for pussies.")

I found the magic button, put the car in neutral and told the boys to give her a push, completely forgetting that they have grown up in the 2000's with visions of the cars careening down driveways, flying through traffic and bursting into flames.  They pushed the car and Tom yelled "LOOOOOOOK OOOOUUUUUT" at the top of his lungs; both completely unaware that the brakes still worked even though the battery was dead.  I can't describe their faces as they watched the car slowly roll 15 feet and then stop. "Sorry, guys. I realize we haven't prepared you for this but you were going to find out sooner or later. A car will never burst into flames in real life. I know it's a letdown. Why don't you sit down til Miss Deb gets here." Poor kids. Broke my heart.

The boys were picked up a few minutes later and I sat in the driveway waiting for the tow truck; eyes closed, listening to the birds sing and the rain drip off the trees.  Best morning in months. I may do this more often.

(Oh, it wasn't a tow truck.  It was a nice old man in a hatchback. He was probably retired and now drives around the suburbs helping folks with their car problems.  What a great gig.)

Blast from the Past

Yesterday was Read Across America. Great program and one that the Women's Club supports.  I allowed myself to get roped into this group by a friend of mine.  They do a lot of charity work in the community which is good and they need new younger members because the old ones are literary dying off which isn't so good, and I'm all for feeling like the youngest person in a room.  There just aren't a lot of opportunities for that any more.

Anyway, I agreed to read to elementary school kids for 3 1/2 hours yesterday.  I used to read to the boys' classes when they were younger and I actually miss it so I was looking forward to this.  I knew which books I wanted to take with me because they were ones I could remember reading as a kid and reading to the boys when they were younger. I just had to find them...somewhere in the house...packed away..safe...hmmmm. Little did John know that my volunteering would lead to him becoming precariously perched on the very top of the Scary Ladder, the 'this is not a step' step, wearing flip-flops that I had to remind him was not my idea, digging through the rafters of the garage looking for the box of picture boxes that I put away for safe keeping that I insisted was up there and he insisted was not. Fast forward several hours and I found them tucked away in the bottom of Sam's closet. Oops. By that time, I just grabbed the few that I wanted and put them in the car for the next day.

The following morning I'm sitting in front of a Kindergarten class reading.  I started with "The Cat in the Hat" which I love and can rattle off the first 6 papers without looking. Next was "There's a Nightmare in my Closet", another good book, right up until the part where I find myself showing the kids a picture of a boy holding a toy shotgun and saying, "I shot him anyway." <huh. don't remember that part. did I just read that out loud? probably shouldn't have read that out loud. okay. don't react. just plow through this and get to the next book>  Last book, "A Fly went By". LOVE this book.  It's all rhyme-y and the fly is chased by the frog who is chased by the cat who is chased by the dog who is chased by the pig who is chased by the cow who is chased by the fox who is chased by a guy with a gun. <jfc. you have got to be kidding me. what the hell was happening during my childhood? how the fuck do I end up bringing 3 books to a kindergarten classroom and 2 of them involve gun play? probably won't need to clear my calendar for next year.>

So there you go.  Remember to get involved in your community.  You never know who much someone else is fucking it up.