Outbuildings

I've always lived quite a bit in my head and lately I've been living in my She-Shed in my head.  And it's a glorious place.  Wrapped up in a quilt, sitting in my over-stuffed chair, feet up on my ottoman, reading a book, lovely breeze blowing through the open door, surrounded by white-washed wood and light bouncing through the slight warp of the old reclaimed windows and my super hero action figures.  It's so wonderful, I'm not even drinking.

I have since discovered the need for another outbuilding, across the yard from my She-Shed. Waaaay across the yard. I'm going to call it The Asshole Shack.  Now stay with me, people, and we'll do the math. I live with two 14 year old boys, one 45 year old husband and Alice the bad-dog so at any given point in time, I am living with an asshole.

The Asshole Shack that I've built in my head is something along the lines of a blue port-a-potty without the chemical toilet. Plastic, overly hot, uncomfortable bench seat, your feet kinda stick to the damp carpeting on the floor, no ventilation other then a small fan up in the corner that is really only good for blowing the occasional insect into your face. It doesn't sit entirely flush on the ground so any sudden movement will send it tipping juuuust enough to make you think that this time it's going over.

It started off as a joke. A few weekends ago, John was ranting about something; the gal working the register at Starbucks or the inability of a California driver to navigate the intricacies of the Four-Way stop.  I don't remember.  But I was chuckling and I said, "I'm going to build you an Asshole Shack so when you're feeling like this, you'll have somewhere to go."  I laughed. He laughed. It was funny.  Then over the next few weeks, he'd say something and I'd point to the backyard and tell he to go to the Asshole Shack.  These were not 'funny' incidents but more "Really? That's what you're gonna say? Go to your shack." incidents.  Then he'd chuckle and say, "Okay, I deserved that."

Then the other night at dinner, Sam said something, I don't remember what, but I pointed out back and told him to go to the Asshole Shack.  And he was aghast! Struck silent with more righteous indignation ever seen this side of a vegan rally.

Sam, "I can't believe you called me an A-hole."
Me, "I didn't call you an asshole.  I said your behavior was worthy of the Asshole Shack."
Sam, "But...uh...it's the same thing."
Me, "No, it isn't. Some people are assholes and some people occasionally behave like assholes."
It was an important distinction but he couldn't let it go so we continued to discuss my statement for quite a long time without once talked about what he had said that started the whole thing in the first place.

And that, my friends, is why the Asshole Shack will be completely lined with mirrors.  So you can sit there and stare at yourself until you realize that there is a 90% chance that it's your own fault that you're in there in the first place.

And you really don't want to be stuck in there with another person so if you must behave like an asshole, remember to time your outbursts accordingly. Just a suggestion.
You're welcome.

Making a Murderer

John and I binge-watched this show and I am 99% certain that I can pass the bar in the State of Wisconsin.  How is it, with 20 seasons, none of these morons have watched an episode of Law and Order?  There were a couple of years where TBS was rerunning them non-stop.  If you are a citizen of Wisconsin, I hope you have several binge-worthy cable shows in the pipeline featuring your highly intelligent or even your moderately intelligent citizenry being honest, respectable, tax-paying members of society.  Otherwise the rest of us are going to let the zombies/aliens/4th Reich run all over you because your gene pool isn't worth the price of saving it.  I know the people in this show are not the normal because all of my people are from these fly-over states and they're not a bunch of fucking morons.....well, a couple are but who can't say the same? really?

So the show was highly entertaining, except the parts where they ran rough-shot over the kid with learning disabilities.  Those parts made me sick to my stomach and I used one of those moments to stomp down the hall for a Teaching Moment with the boys. You probably haven't had this talk with your kid so pay attention.

Me, <stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp> "Hey, both of you! Hallway!"
Boys, <open their doors and walk out> "What?!?"
Me, "IF you ever get arrested.."
Tom, "Mom.."
Me, "Uh uh uh. If you ever get arrested, all you say is 'I want a lawyer' then you shut the hell up."
Tom, "We're not....."
Me, "Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhh 'I want a lawyer' then shut up."
Tom, "Nothin..."
Me, "See how you're still talking? All you're going to do is talk yourself into a prison cell and your very HBO docu-series.  'I want a lawyer' then shut up."
Tom, "B...
Me, "UH 'I want a lawyer' then shut up."
<silence>
Me, "Good. Now what do you do if you ever get arrested?"
Boys, <monotone, robot voice> "I want a lawyer then shut up."
Me, "RIGHT!  Again."
Boys, <monotone, robot voice and small amount of eye rolling> "I want a lawyer then shut up."
Me, 'Excellent! One More Time!"
Boys, <monotone, robot voice, faces to the ceiling> "I want a lawyer then shut up."
Me, "great. now go to bed."

This has been a Public Service Announcement <bing bing bing> The More You Know
You're Welcome.

Novels vs. Graphic Novels

I think graphic novels are great.  The boys have tons of them and they read and re-read them.  They check them out from the school library. They read over each other's shoulders and get into fights about it.  I even have a few of my own.  So I would cringe when I heard a mother say that their kids weren't allowed to read comics or now I cringe when I hear the kid say it.  And I bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Wow, you get to live in a fun house!"  Ok, I actually said it out loud once but the kid didn't get it and said 'thank you'.  He'll probably turn out to be a merit scholar so I should probably shut-up but whatever.

Anyway, I love comics and I never understood why you would ever discourage your kid from reading.  That just seemed silly.  The school librarian in Arizona agreed and she could even explain the science behind it which is awesome because as soon as you say something like 'brain' all the morons lemmings folks pay attention and don't even bother to check if what they're being told it actually true. (People are so easy to manipulate is really surprising there aren't more evil geniuses in the world. You should try it.  It's fun.)    Anyway...

Here's what she explained to me and I was all like "Yeah, what she said!" When you read a novel, the author writes down all the words needed to describe a scene to the reader.  What the character looks like, where he's standing, what's hanging on the walls, whether it's cold or hot, all that stuff.  The reader takes the words and forms a picture in his head of all that description.  That's one way the brain processes information.

When you read a graphic novel, the picture is drawn for you and you are given a few lines of dialogue.  Now the reader has to look at the picture and figure out the words. What's going on?  Who is this guy? where is he? is he cold? is he angry? who is he talking to? The reader takes the picture and forms all the words in his head, and his brain is working in the complete opposite way.

Now you have an awesome superpower.  You can walk through a door and read the room.  You can look around, pay attention for a bit and figure out, okay, he thinks he's in charge but she really is,  that one's an asshole and the guy over there is playing angry birds on his phone.  Are you always right? No, but even then you've learned something new to use next time.  Pretty soon your only big decision is whether to use your powers for good or evil.

John and I are amazing at this game.  We can peg all the douche bags at Starbucks in under 3 minutes.  Of course, that's kinda a gimme so never mind.