You say tomato, I say tomato

This morning was the first day post surgery for mom.  When I walked into the kitchen, she was at the fridge getting breakfast.

Me, "Mom, why don't you sit down and I'll get that for you."
Mom, "that's okay, I've got it"
Me, "you're supposed to stay off your foot so go lay down and I'll do that."

She doesn't move.

Me, "MOM, you're supposed to stay off your foot."
Mom, "Well, I need to walk on it so it doesn't tighten up. That what they said."
Me, "Well, I remember them saying, several times, that you need to stay off it as much as possible.  I guess we interpreted the instructions differently."
Mom, <grumble grumble grumble>
Me, "GO LAY DOWN"

I missed my calling. I'm a freaking Florence Nightingale....

Just like a superhero duo...

So I'm up in Olympia this week because my mom was scheduled to have foot surgery.  The "procedure" was this morning and all went well.  By the time I met she in the recovery room, she hadn't eaten anything in something like 13 hours.  She was due for her first pain pill of the day but she needed something in her stomach first so the nurse asked if she'd like an Italian soda and she did.  As we were driving home, I asked if she wanted me to drive to the store to get syrup and soda so she could have Italian soda at home.

Mom, "Oh no, that's okay."
Me, "Remember what the nurse said? If you have trouble eating, the syrup will coat your stomach so the pain pills don't bother you."
Mom, "I never have trouble eating."
Me, "And I'm never bothered taking pain pills.  We're like the perfect couple!"

The terrorists have won....

Going through security at the Oakland Airport.  I'm in line for the scanner and a dad and his two small children are ready to go through the x-ray. The little girl is carrying her jacket.  I swear to god this is all true.

TSA Agent, "She needs to be wearing her jacket."
Dad, <to daughter> "Oh, honey, go put it on the conveyor belt."
TSA Agent, "No, she just needs to be wearing it."
Dad, <to daughter> "Throw it over your shoulder."
TSA Agent "She needs to be wearing it."
Dad, "What?"
TSA Agent, "She needs to be wearing it."
Dad, "The jacket?"

I was watching this exchange and I started laughing, out loud, causing the TSA Agent working the scanner to start throwing me nervous looks and finger his walkie-talkie.  Is she having a breakdown?  Should I get the taser?

Then the line ground to a complete halt when the next lady's hugely overweight "service" dog plopped down on it's back-end and refused to go through the x-ray machine.  She picked up her cane to tug on the leash. He wasn't having any of it. She's starting to sweat. Which begs that question, how much help can you provide to your Service dog and still claim that he is there to help you?  I was crying.

I gotta get a job at the airport

Homicide on Aisle 12

We finished up the wainscoting in the boys' bathroom and it looks great!

We went with wainscoting instead of beadboard because I had a vision.  (John hates that.)  I had a vision and did a little googling and decided that wainscoting would be easier.  In fact it would be far less work than beadboard.  Really.  So I explained my vision a couple of times and John stressed his desire to stick with beadboard a couple of times.  I kept at it, convinced that he would be swayed to my side once he fully understood my vision in detail and he kept playing dumb every time I brought it up, as if we hadn't already talked about it seven times, in hopes that I would give up.  The final discussion took place in the lumber aisle at Home Depot:

John, "So, why are we over here? Where's the beadboard?"
Me, "We're doing wainscoting."
John, "Wait? Since when? I thought we were doing beadboard?"
Me, "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS A TH...."
John, "Hey, relax.  Why are you getting so worked up?"
Me, "DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX.  I DON'T NEED TO RELAX! Y..."
John, "Okay, okay. explain it to me again."
Me, "OH MY GOD! DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. YOU'RE GIVING ME THAT LOOK LIKE I'M SOM....'

Now people are walking by staring at me.  Like I'm the crazy person.

So I explained my vision again and he finally relented.  Now all we needed to do was get the boards cut to size and get the hell out of there.  I had the measurements but John wanted to use the smaller 2' x 4' boards and I wanted to use the bigger 4' x 4' boards because it will mean fewer cuts but he wasn't following my math so I kept explaining it louder and louder but it didn't seem to be helping.  And people kept walking by, judging us.

We finally made it back to the big band saw or whatever the hell it's called and the nice HD guy was there to make the cuts for us.  He just needed the measurements.  So he stood there with the saw running, and John was telling him how much needed to be cut off and I was telling him how much needed to stay so we were literally coming at the problem from opposite directions and after we'd both shouted a couple of numbers, John started shouting, "Omaha, Omaha" until the guy finally turned the saw off.  I guess he assumed that we were shouting over the noise.  He clearly wasn't married.

We needed four pieces of board.  We came home with six but it all worked out in the end.

before

step 1

step 2

step 3

step 4

 So Ta-da! Wainscoting.  And you can't even see the blood.

Book Club Recommendation

Found a great new book!

She's Everywhere....

Me:  You know, I'm going to Grandma's next week, right? So I made some spreadsheets...."

Tom: Even when she's gone, she's UNESCAPABLE!!!"

Only in California....

....Apparently, Trees cause Cancer

Home Improvement is Difficult

So I went to the hardware store this morning to get new outlets for the boys' bathroom.  The ones that are in there now are dead and replacing the old ones with new ones if Step 6 in our repair process before calling an electrician. The steps go something like this:

step 1 - swear
step 2 - check the circuit breaker
step 3 - swear some more
step 4 - plug in various other times to see if anything else works because maybe it's just the hairdryer even though the hair dryer works just fine in my bathroom
step 5 - swear more intently

So I'm at the hardware store and they've got all their Halloween decorations on display including this amazing skeleton that's as tall as I am.  Who could resist?  Not me.  And I knew it was extremely awesome because Alice absolutely refused to walk next to it.  Major selling feature.  When I got home, I walked it straight into Sam's room and tucked it into his bed.

I can't wait for school to get out....

6 hours later.......

We get home from school and I decide to switch out the outlets because the boys' bathroom is right next to Sam's room and I'll be Johnny-on-the-spot when he discovers the skeleton.  They head into the kitchen for a snack.  Since the outlets aren't working there's really no way to tell which circuit breaker to throw so I throw all the 15's.  Half the house goes dark.  Sam's room is pitch black so there's no way he's going in there until the power is turned on.  Bummer, but at least I can get the outlets switched out.

As is par with this stupid bathroom the simple task of replacing the outlets is a total bear.  The wires won't come out and I have to yank on them for about 1000x's longer than should be necessary.  When I finally get them out and reach for the new outlet, I realize I've bought the wrong ones.  The old outlets have two sockets which I don't get because you can't plug two things into the bathroom sockets because once you plug in the hair dryer nothing else fits.  Am I right?   So I thought I'd be clever and buy new ones that have one socket and a built in nightlight.  No more stubbed toes in the middle of the night.  I'm a freaking genius.  But, oh no, the clever outlet is wired differently than the old outlets.  Shit.  Now I have to drive to the hardware store and get different outlets. Now the chances of the boys accidentally turning on all the circuit breakers in the dark laundry room and shocking themselves on the exposed wires in the dark bathroom while that entire half of the house is pitch black is quite slim but I wanted to be careful so I yelled, "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING" and took off out the door.

On my return to the house, Sam was standing in the front yard, holding a big stick, and glaring.  After I pull the car into the driveway and climbed out, I asked, "What???"  Sam replies, "THERE'S A SKELETON IN MY BED AND I NEEDED A PENCIL SHARPENER SO TOM WENT INTO MY ROOM TO LOOK FOR ONE AND HE SAW THE SKELETON AND SCREAMED AND THEN STARTED CRYING AND NOW HE'S HOLDING A KNIFE AND WON'T PUT IT DOWN!"

Well, shit.  I put it in Sam's room for a reason.  Tom doesn't like jokes like that.

Me, "I wasn't trying to scare him, I was trying to scare you."
Sam, "WELL I DON'T APPRECIATE IT EITHER!"
Me, "Is that why you're holding a big stick?"
Sam, "IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!"

No, it's not funny.  Because I missed the whole thing!

But on a more positive note, Prof. Sawbones is a big hit.

Bring me a beer, dammit!

I don't, generally, like car-sticker families....

but this one I can get behind!

Don't you just hate it when.....

You're reading a book and suddenly a plot twist clicks in your mind and you're so proud of yourself for figuring it out because you truly are a literary genius but then the more you think about it the more you realize that it was totally obvious and you should have figured it out about 30 pages earlier and someone should revoke your library card for being such a moron?

Or is it just me?

I love Slug Bug

It's the only socially except able way to punch your kids.