It only hurts when I laugh

So I got in to see the doctor yesterday morning for my back.  I couldn't really walk, or drive, so John took me. And he had to walk me down the hall and into the exam room.  And this is why you don't take your husband into the exam room.

John:  Where do you want to sit?
Me: I think I'll just lean against the wall.
So I gimp over and huddle against the wall.
John: You still have your sunglasses on. Worried about the paparazzi? "Please I just want to be left alone"
Me: <chuckle> <chuckle> <whimper>
John: Bring me your tired huddled masses, yearning to breathe free....
Me: <hehehehe> <oowww> John
John:  No stirrups?
Me: stop.

Then he plops in the rollie-chair,  pushes over to the purple latex gloves. "So, what can I do for you today?"  'Jesus, your livers a mess!"

<wimper>

But all I did was bend at the waist

So I pulled my back out yesterday.  It was Sunday so John was home, and the boys were home, and my brother and sister-in-law were visiting so there were lots of people around to help out. "Here, let me help...."  "Noooooo, don't touch meeee!" "Well, maybe you could get my sunglasses since I can't get off the floor and the sun is in my eyes. And I plan on laying here forever."

John and I used to throw our backs out all the time when the boys were little and we were constantly bending over to lift car seats.  We eventually bought a minivan.  Yes, it got that bad.  On a side note, you will never have more bargaining power then when you're buying a car you really don't want.  Us,"Well, fuck that."  Dealer, "Wait, come baaaack!" And say what you will about minivans but all cars should have sliding doors.

Anyway, neither of us have had back problems in years so the only drugs John could scrounge up were 3 pain pills from 2009.  And say what you will about the placebo effect but those damn things worked! Well, sort of.  My primary form of pain management was a bottle of chardonnay; on a slow drip to deliver a steady stream of loveliness.

So they eventually set me up in the bedroom, in a reclining lawn chair with my heating pad; had my book, ipad, remote control, etc. all lined up on the bed within easy reach, and a small drinks table.  It was my conn.  I was like Captain Kirk, only wrapped in a quilt.

This morning John was getting the conn set up again but I couldn't stop thinking about what a mess the bed was.  It really needed to be made but I knew it probably wasn't the best time to be getting all OCD but how was I going to line up my stuff?  And I was trying to figure out how to mention this to John, who was frantically trying to get into work to rearrange things so he could come back to take me to the doctor.  Finally I took a deep breath and said, "Ok, I have a request but I know it's not going to go over well"  John, "I AM NOT GETTING YOU WINE!"  Well, I hadn't even though of that......

Breakfast - The most important meal of the day

We all love breakfast in my household.  No one more than Tom.  He typically eats two.  One when he first gets up and then another while I'm eating.  And he loves cinnamon/sugar toast.  The last time we ran out of cinnamon/sugar, he watched me make it and fill up the shaker.  He must have thought it looked fun, kinda like a science experiment.  So this morning, when the shaker was empty again, he decided to mix it up himself.  Fine by me, and I left the kitchen to do...something....I don't remember.

When I walked back in, <hmmm, what's that odd smell?>  This was about the same time that Tom was saying, "Aaahhhh, bluuugh" and spitting crap out of his mouth.  I looked over at the counter and picked up the spice bottle.  Me, "Dude, did you read the label?"  Tom, "ppwwaahh, ppwwaahhh!!!"  Me: "Dude, you're eating cumin/sugar toast."  At this point he was gargling orange juice and not really listening.

My kitchen still smells like cumin......

Long Live the Captain

I started going to the middle school PTA meetings to I could check things out, see what we were getting ourselves into....

Last month they gave the tech teacher money to buy a 3D printer. (yes, this is where I live)  Well, another teacher wasn't quite sure what a 3D printer was and she asked, "Ok, so if you put in a picture of a hamster, will it make a hamster?" Then a couple people politely started explaining how a 3D printer worked.  And no one got the Captain Underpants reference! No One!  I was glancing around looking for the smirks, the chuckles but nothing.  Come on people, don't you remember....that was how George and Harold ruined the science fair....with a hamster.....and the Patsy 2000.....come on, no one?  It was a sea of straight faces.  Had everyone forgotten their Captain Underpants?!  Had none of these people read Captain Underpants?  And the meeting was in the library so I started worrying that I was sitting in a library that didn't have Captain Underpants.  The box set is like $30. That's way cheaper than a 3D printer.  Now this is what's wrong with the education system in San Ramon;  Johnny can read but he's reading all the wrong shit!

Water Wars

So I have this water garden on our back deck.  It's a big galvanized tub with water plants and those little fish that eat mosquito larvae.  I love it because it looks nice and Abbey loves it because she can drink out of it.  She'll walk past her water bowl in the kitchen, past her water bowl on the deck and drink from the scummy water garden.  We're pretty sure this is why she occasionally throws up but I've stopped caring.  I love the dog but come on.  I've moved her damn bowl directly in front of the tub and she still drinks the algae water.  What else am I supposed to do,  pass out little cards with the drink specials?  "This evening, we're featuring clean tap water served at room temperature. It's a nice change from that shit in the tub." Whatever.  At this point,  I just don't want she to drink any of the fish.  (She's definitely a Marcia)  Anyway, my water garden sits approximately 12 feet from John's fountain.  It's this huge thing that came with the house and it sounds lovely on Sunday mornings when I'm doing my crossword puzzle so I love it too.

But here's where the problems arise.  John's fountain needs to be filled every week or it will run dry.  Bone dry.  My water garden needs 1-2 inches of water every few weeks to top it off because it gets hot on some days and because the dog drinks out of it.  But get this, John insisted that my water garden is leaking, and ruining the deck.  Not just ruining, RUINING!  But the water in his fountain is "evaporating".  Can someone, please, explain this to me because every time we have this conversation I want to throw a rock at him....

Looking forward to that call.....

So I went in to the school to help out for a bit.  As I was walking towards the front door a couple of 5th grade girls were coming out of the Multi-Purpose Room.  They were 10-12 feet away and one hollered,  "Hi, Ms. Moore!!"
So I hollered back, "HI!"
We're all still walking, each in our own direction.
And she hollers, "Did You Hear What Sam Did to Mr. Haar's Pants?"
(Mr. Haar is the Principal)
Me:  "whaaa?"
Then she throws her hands in the air and shouts, "I've Said Too Much Already!!"and keeps on walking.
Me:  "WAIT! WHAAAAT?"

Fame costs and this is where you start paying

John took Sam to the Variety Show at school and I stayed home while Tom finished his homework.
This is our actual texting string.

John:  36 acts. 60 minutes. With an intermission.

Me:  Wow. That's kinda impressive.

John:  Nope. Wrong.
John:  Room is a boulevard of broken dreams.

Me:  Is the scout from Juilliard there?

John:  Today's performance is brought to you by the word "vicarious'.
John:  For those times when your own life is not quite enough.

Me:  I'm so blogging this.

John:   Bully for you. I am living this sum bitch.
John:  They are starting up again.  Once more into the breach!

He got home like two hours later.
Me, "I thought it was only an hour"
John, "Nah, man, that was just the fucking overture" Then he walked down the hall singing a Katy Perry song.