High Finance

Every once in a while John likes to have a discussion about our financial future.  The latest one went something like this....

John:  "Do you ever wonder what would happen if one of us died?"

Me:  "Oh, sure.  But mainly you."

John:  "I'm serious."

Me:  "So am I."

John:  "If you died, the childcare aspect would be the biggest struggle."

Me:  "Not to mention your dry cleaning.  That shit isn't going to walk itself home."

John:  "I'm being serious.  If I died, my life insurance would keep you going for several years until you got your feet on the ground and found a job."

Me:  "I haven't worked in 12 years.  What kind of job could I find?  What I need is a payout that will set me up for the next 30 years, not just "several".  And not some city government you-got-hit-by-a-bus payout.  I'm talking private industry payout.  Like UPS.  You know why you never hear about someone getting killed by a UPS truck?  It's because they swoop in and throw a whole bunch of money at you.  But the really big payouts are the airline crashes.  And you fly a lot so that's working in our favor.  It's calculated on 'seconds of terror' or something.  You could put up with 15-16 seconds of terror, right?  It's for the kids."

John:  <blink>  <blink>

John:  "I'm sure your mom would come and help."

Me: "She doesn't have any money."

John:  <silence>

John:  "Or...we....could raise my life insurance....some more.  That could hold you for a few more years."

Me:  "Sure, cause folks are lining up to hire unemployed women in their fifties.  But I could find a way to quietly kill you.  There are all kinds of poisons that dissipate right after death.  I've probably got a few in the herb garden without even knowing it.  There'd be rumor and suspicion but they'd never be able to prove anything."

John:   <stare>

Me:  "What?!?  I read a lot of crime fiction.  Agatha Christie's always poisoning someon....."

Me:  "Where are you going??"

My Favorite On-Line News Article of the Month

Headline:  Police Halt Online Sale of Coffin

The Problem:  The seller "neglected to mention the full skeleton inside"

surprise!

New Math

So I went over to my friends house, who has three girls.  They were quietly sitting around the family room, painting their nails.  And I asked myself, "What amazing and wondrous world have I stumbled upon?"   No one was yelling.  No one had a stick.  No one was reading Japanese comics to me.  Then I thought, "Waaait a miiiinute.  I know how to paint my nails!  I've done it before.  I could do it again.  When did I stop painting my nails???" And I left inspired.

I bought pretty purple nail polish and went home.   I painted my toe nails.  I painted Abbey's toe nails.  We looked amazing.  Then the boys and I watched The Wolf Man.  (The one with Lon Chaney Jr.  Not that mess with Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins)

And here's what I learned:

My Painted Toe Nails

+ Abbey's Painted Toe Nails

+ The Wolf Man Movie

= Realllllllly Weird Dreams!!!!!!

By the way, it took John 4 days to notice that I'd painted the dog's nails.  He'd say, "but I was gone for two of the days!"  But I'd respond, "yeah but you were rolling around on the floor with her for the other two days!"

Abbey's Day at the Beach

Abbey is a desert dog but she looooves the beach.  Everything except the water that is...

Me: "Come on Abbey, we're going to the beach!"
Abbey: <dancing around> we'regoingtothebeach!we'regoingtothebeach!we'regoingtothebeach!we'regoingtothebeach!
<more dancing>
Me: "Abbey, get in the car"
Abbey: oh, yeah

60 minutes later...

Abbey: <yawn> <stretch> where are we? what are we doing? can i come? can i come? can i come? can i come? she's got the leash!!!! yyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
Me: "Abbey, sit still. I can't get your leash on unless you sit still."
Abbey: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

5 minutes later...

Abbey: oh that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good
Me, tugging on leash: "Can we please get out of the parking lot?"

Finally on the beach....

Abbey:  Oh, sand!  <poop>
Me:  "Shit"
Abbey:  yes. yes, I did.
Me: "John, do you want to get a poop bag or guard the poop?
Abbey: that's right, that's our poop, go get your own poop, grrr

Let the relaxing begin....

Abbey: oh, I love the beach, I love the sand, I love how so many things smell dead....
Abbey:  aaaaahhhhhh, the water came at me, you saw that, it came right at me, it's trying to get me
Head down, hackles raised
Abbey:  okay, okay, it's going away, everything's okay, phew, that was close, everybody okay?
Abbey: oh my god it's coming baaaaaack, make it stop! make it stop! make it stop! let's sit farther back, okay?

10 minutes later....

Abbey:  oh, there's a fun dog, he's running around and having fun, maybe I'll run around and have fun with him, he looks nice and he's got a ball.......OHMYGOD, they threw his ball in the water!!! who would do that??? bad bad people, aaaahhhhhh, the water's got him, he's in the water, he's in the water, what do we do? what do we do? what do we do?
Abbey: oh wait, he's out, he's out of the water and he still has his ball, oh that's good, just stay away from those bad bad peo....THEY THREW IT IN THE WATER AGAIN!! Do something, do something, would you wake up and do something...
Abbey: oh no wait, it's okay, it's okay..
Abbey: NO IT'S NOT!! THEY DID IT AGAIN!..

Me: "Abbey, would you lay down?" "Fine, I'll take you off the leash, go chase the boys"

Abbey: run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff

2 hours later, walking to the car.....

Abbey:  This was the best day every, there's never been a day as good as this, nothing could every be this good. Wait! It's a DEAD SEAGULL!!
Me:  DROP IT!!!

It started out as such a nice evening....

So John and I were watching tv and a potato bug crawled across the floor.  I freaked.  No, that's not accurate.  I FREAKED!!!

Me:  "WHAT'S THAT?!?! WHAT'S THAT!?!?! WHAT'S THAT?!?!?!"
John: "Stop yelling, you're going to wake the bo......What the fuck!!"

It was the size of a mouse.  The scorpions in Arizona were smaller.  The cockroaches were smaller.  The chihuahuas were smaller.

John smacked it with a magazine and it looked at him like, "Are you kidding me with that?"

Then Abbey tried to eat it.
Me: "Get away!  Get away!  Get away!  Get away!"
Abbey:  I'll shake it till it's dead
Me: "DROP IT!!!!"
Abbey: Aw, man.

John hit it again and it crawled under the couch.

John:  "Push the couch over! Wrong way, wrong way!!  IT'S HEADING YOUR WAY!!"

I screamed and jumped up on the couch.

Me: "Where'd it go?"
John: "Back under the couch.  I think it's getting a cigarette."
Potato Bug: stupid humans. Where'd I put my lighter?

So John pushed the couch around trying to get at the hell-bug while I was crouched on the arm offering helpful advice.  "Kill It!" "Kill It!" "Kill It!"  After the fourth smack, John started to get concerned.  Could it be killed?  Would we have to move? Would we have to disclose the potato bug when we sold the house?  He traded the magazine for a shoe and smacked several more times.

Me: "Is it dead?"
John: "I don't know"
Me: "What?"
John: "I DON'T KNOW"
So he put it down the garbage disposal.

It took a glass of wine and half a xanax to calm down.

Here's a pic of the lovely thing.  Don't ask me who the crazy person is that decided to set up a photo shoot rather than kill the fucker.

Now that's more like it

Heard from behind Tom's bedroom door:

YOU CHEATED!!!
NO, I DIDN'T!!!
GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!
YOU SUCK!!!
I HATE YOU!!!

Ahhhh, they're back....

First Day of Summer Vacation

So for the last couple of weeks the boys have been bickering and arguing horribly.  Or I guess I should say they've been bickering and arguing fantastically because, really, they were doing a great job of it.  So, well done, them!  But it's been driving me nuts and making me quite concerned about the 10 weeks of family-time we had staring us in the face.  But when I woke up this morning, it was pleasantly peaceful in the house.  The boys were up, had eaten and were quietly playing this new card game they're into.  I sat down, had my coffee, read my book, and listened to them talking politely to each other and generally getting along just swimmingly.  And it COMPLETED FREAKED ME OUT!  I think they're robots.  This town is filled with Stepford Students.  Maybe it's finally happened to me.  Someone has replaced them with robot copies or maybe they're pod-people.  We did just watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  I don't know which but they're scaring the shit out of me.