This kind of thing only happens in California

So I was in the school today and apparently they didn't have a volunteer waiver form on file for me.  I'm at the school all the time but it just came up because I'm chaperoning the 5th grade party tomorrow.  So I thought they brought it to my attention as a joke.

Me: hahahaha

Office lady: we need one on file. You can fax it in.

Me: but....there's...only eight and a half hours of school left....for the year.  

California, where bureaucracy is king and paperwork its scanky little mistress. 

They didn't cover this in the National Geographic video

So the principal stopped me yesterday.  He had been out on the playground during recess and this 5th grade girl came over to him with two ladybugs on her finger.  "Mr. Haar! Look! This ladybug is giving the other ladybug a piggyback ride!" Sam was standing there too and said, "Yeeeaahhh, I don't think that's what they're doing."  Then she got all panicky because the ladybug on top was shaking a whole bunch and wouldn't get off the ladybug on the bottom.  So she said, "I think I need to go see Mrs. Sawires"  (she's the science teacher)  At this point Tom pipes in.  Now Tom only talks at one volume and it's around a 6.  And he'll say the same thing over and over.  (Could be an Asperger's thing or it could be a Dawson thing because my family can be rather loud and, you never know, maybe they didn't hear you the first time.)   So Tom says, "I THINK THEY'RE MATING.   I THINK THEY'RE MATING.  I THINK THEY'RE MATING.  I THINK THEY'RE MATING."  This is when Mr. Haar, recognizing he'd lost control of the situation, said "I think the ladybugs are fine" and walked away.

This was all rather timely because the 5th graders watched the puberty video last week and all I could think (after I stopped laughing) was, "Oh my god, they were actually paying attention!!"

Mother of the Year, once again

So I got a phone call from the school, "Hello, Mrs Moore. Everything's fine but we wanted to let you know that Sam fell down on the playground and cut his chin.  It was bleeding pretty good for a while there and he was wiping his hands on his shorts so you might want to bring in a clean pair if you get a chance."

Me:  Did he bleed all over his brand new shorts?!  I just bought those!

Office Lady:  (laughing) You may be missing the bigger picture here.

Me:  Why is it those kids can only bleed on stuff that's white or new?!

Office Lady: (still laughing) Mrs. Moore?

Me:  I'll be there in a few minutes.

Office Lady: Thank you, Mrs Moore.

Squirrel Patrol

Grrrrr!
Ba-gock!

Happiness is a Warm Chicken

So last night was my last PTA meeting as president so my friends gave me a lovely bottle of wine.  Later as my wine was chilling, there was a knock on the door.  Now, if you haven't read The Bloggess, you need to read:

http://thebloggess.com/

or google "knock knock motherfucker"

Thanks to my awesome friends, I had my very own "knock knock motherfucker" moment!!

You know you have great friends when they chip in to buy you a giant metal cock!  Go ahead and make your own "come" joke now.  Tina may have framed the picture like that on purpose; I wouldn't put it past her.

And it turns out that Quincy has the same taste in television as I do so later that evening we watched Orphan Black.

He makes me so happy that I want to take him everywhere.  I just can't figure out how to get him into the passenger seat without smashing the windshield....

DUDE

We had a pizza party for the kindergartens because they won Penny Wars.  (Yes, that's a real thing)  The whole process took about 20 minutes but by the time it was over,  I came to realize that I must say "dude" an awful lot.  I remember all the "What are you doing's" and "Sit down's" and the "Oh my god, stop yelling's'  but not so much the 'dudes' that accompanied them.  In my defense, it's not like I was going to learn all of there names and most of them just stare at you when you ask them questions.  Kinda like the dog.  Although she is rapt on my every word and they really didn't give a shit.

By the time it was all over, I could hear these little squeaky voices saying, "Dude, it's time to go back to class", "You better get in line, dude.", "This was the best day ever, dude!"  I was so proud, I started to tear up.

I just hope one of them went home and said to their mom, "Jeez, dude, chill out."   Then my work here would be complete.

That Dove is Killing Me

So we have this dove living out front.  She found this great spot and proceeded to build the worst fucking nest in the history of birds.  It was four sticks thrown on the ledge.  Homeless people live better then this bird.  I'd been watching her for a while and I reached my limit during the week of middle school orientation.  Here I've got two boys  heading off to middle school and then they'll move out, at which point the dog will probably die and I'm freaking out.  And this stupid bird is dangling eggs off her ledge, mindlessly thinking everything is going to be just fine.  Well, it's not BIRD, it's not all just fine!!

Here's the resulting text string with John and my friend Lisa:

Me:  I've got a serious bird nest problem.  It is way too

 close to the edge ant it needs pushed back. 

 But she won't move.

Lisa:  It's survival of the fittest man.  DON'T MESS WITH DARWIN!  Besides if you touch the nest she may not want to use it again.  You filthy, untrustworthy human.

John:  If we fuck with it, she may abandon the nest.  Or is that just eagles?

Me: Oh sure, you're telling this to the mom whose kids

 are all leaving her to go to middle school.  If those

 fucking eggs don't hatch, I'll lose it.  

I can't take much more.

John:  She's a good mom.
John:  She hardly ever drinks or gets hookers up there.

Lisa:  The only thing you can do is drink and pray to the alcohol gods...

Me:  We're moving the nest so just get your head around it.

Lisa: You've been warned...

Me: It just needs pushed back a couple of inches. 

 You can wear gloves.

Lisa: ME?! I want to part of nature's wrath.  Use a spatula or something - DON'T TOUCH IT I SAY! She doesn't want your opposable thumb STANK in her nest.  You can't get that smell out....

30 minutes later

Lisa:  Can we come over earlier? Madi has been asking me "is it time to go yet, can we go now, when will it be 5:30?!?"  SINCE I PICKED HER UP FROM SCHOOL AT 11:50.  Shoot me now.

Me: Sure whenever

Lisa:  Be there at 4:30....I owe my life to you....Madi owes hers too :)

Me: And you'll repay me by moving a bird nest.

Lisa: Fuck.

But the doves survived and they got big really fast.    I had to google "how fast do doves grow" just to make sure that some gang of cannibalistic doves hadn't moved in and eaten the poor little things.  But they were fine.  Eggs to flying off in 2 weeks.

Then the next week, there's our dove in the back yard gathering twigs.

John:  Is that our bird?
Me:  I think so.
John: What's it doing?
Me: Gathering sticks for a new nest.
John:  A new nest?
John: I think our bird's a whore.