Escape Room

So we took the boys to an Escape Room for their birthday.  I thought it would be fun because I saw one on an episode of The Big Bang Theory.  The joke was that they were all PhD's so they finished in like 9 minutes and there was a zombie who said things like, "aaaarrrrrr.norefundsforfinishingearly.rrrrrr".  John wasn't too keen until he talked with his sister, Heather.  She and her family had gone a couple of times and had a blast.  Her kids were younger than ours so that boded well for us.  He finally gave in after I said, "C'mon, it'll be something different."

And it was.  It was a singular experience.  How many of you can say that you drove 45 minutes to give $120 to a stranger just to fight with your family? Anyone? I didn't think so.  Most of you probably do it for free in the privacy of your own home.  Not on video in a San Jose strip mall.

Now I know people have fun in Escape Rooms.  Heather and her family had fun.  The group that came out ahead of us had fun.  There were pictures on the walls of other groups having fun.  Look, that group finished in 32 minutes.  Look at their smiles.  Oh, they all have group names.  We need a group name.  We chose 'The Four Moore's of the Apocalypse'.
Me, 'I want to be Pestilence.'
Tom, "There isn't Pestilence.
Me, 'Yes, there is.'
Tom,"No, he was replace with Conquest.'
Me, "What? No, he wasn't. When?"
Look at that, we're already having fun.
And we couldn't have picked a better name because once we broke the seal and entered the Escape Room, Hell followeth close behind.

If you are unfamiliar with an Escape Room, here's a quick and dirty explanation. (or you could watch BBT season 8, episode 16)  You are 'locked' in a room and have to figure out puzzles to work your way out.  The first puzzle leads to the second which leads to the third and so on. Our Escape Room's theme was an archeological tomb with ancient spells and symbols.  We were given a walkie talkie in case we ran into trouble and needed hints.  The clock was set for one hour but if the hour ran out and you were close to finishing, you were given extra time. That was their way of being nice but really it wasn't.

Now back to that group that finished in 32 minutes.  That is utter bullshit.  We spent that much time trying to solve the very first puzzle. Seriously.  There were four boxes, one on each wall, each with a puzzle containing five letters. One of each letter would combine to spell out a four letter word. The letters of that word were to be lined up on a alphabetical lock to open a chest that provided the next clue.  After 30 minutes, Rachel's/Megan's/whatever voice came over the walkie talkie, "Do you need some help?" "YES".  Her clue wasn't very helpful because Sam had gotten us that far already. He was the only one of us to make any headway.  Maybe that kid will get into college after all.

John and I spent quite a bit of time arguing over whether or not we should be going clockwise around the room.
Me, "We have to go clockwise."
John, "Why?"
Me, "Because who would go COUNTER-CLOCKWISE?!"
Honestly, how can you argue with logic like that?

At another point since we were given the letters available on each clue, John thought we should compare those letter to the letters available on the lock. Tom had the dry erase board.
Tom, "Okay, read off the letters that aren't on the lock."
John, "How can I read off the letters THAT AREN'T THERE!?!?"

We were fairly certain that the first letter was 'P' so we ending up trying every combination of P words. We'll just throw words at it until one works. This was our key strategy throughout the rest of the game.  It was a war of attrition. It was good enough for D-Day, it was good enough for us.

I would put our all-time low point at puzzle 4 or maybe it was 5; it's all kind of fuzzy. This one required us to go back to the first room and the four puzzles that were on each of the four walls.  One person had to stand directly in front of each puzzle, activating a light, allowing each person to read the puzzle at the back of the box. If one person moved away, all four lights went off and no one could see anything.  Tom read his clue, was convinced he knew the answer, and ran out of the room.  All four lights went off. <goddamnit> All, "Come back!" Tom having failed to solve the puzzle with only his clue, came back and stood in front of his wall. This allowed Sam to read his clue. Tom again convinced he knew the answer and ran out of the room and all four lights went off. <goddamnmotherfucker> "COME BACK" This happened many many times. Tom will be the first person killed during the zombie apocalypse. Most likely by his fellow survivors.

My personal low point was in room 3.  This room had two pillars, each with a hole in the front covered with a rubber gasket, like a garbage disposal.  Obviously two people were going to have to stick their hands into the holes.  Nope, I'm out.  There's no way in hell I'm sticking my hand in one of those holes.  I don't know what's in there.  I don't know how many people have been through this room. I don't know their personal hygiene standards.  Happy Birthday, it's a staph infection. That door ain't really locked, let's leave.

This room also had a mural painted on one way that "explained" how to solve the final puzzle.  I put the word in quotation marks because that mural may have been quite pretty but it didn't explain shit.  By the time we had reached the last puzzle, our time had run out. Since no one was scheduled after us  Alyssa/Kylie/whatever came over the walkie-talkie and said we could have a few more minutes.  We tried to graciously refuse.  "oh, thank you but that's okay." "No, you're almost there, keep it up!!" "thanks, Krsahmumble mumble mumble."

As we stood there trying to figure out the last puzzle, a guy came in and began resetting all the puzzles for the next group.  "Oh, we should leave." "No, no. That's okay." Great, back to the last puzzle. It involved these three rotating rings that needed to be lined up in a particular order to reveal a four digit code.  We had figured that much out. The guy came over and asked if we needed help. We, again, offered to leave but he said to take our time.  "oh, thank you, again." After a few more minutes he walked us over the the "explanatory" mural and talked us through it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. "Really, we can go if you need to clean this place up." "oh, no, no, it's not problem." "fantastic"  Back to the wheel.  He joined us shortly because we were still getting no where. He lined up the symbols, used the mural to move the different rings and ta-da, the first number.
Huh?
Guy, "See, it's joined here at the moons so imagine that you split the symbols at the moon and mentally move them up and join them at the suns and now the greenish smears look like a number!"
Us, "uuhhh"
Guy, "Do you see it?"
Us, "uuuhh"
Guy, "See here, this part looks like the top of a...?"
John, "Eight?"
Guy, "Well no, see this part here..."
Tom, "A seven?"
Guy, "YES! YOU GOT IT!"
Me, "Well, I wouldn't go that far."
He walked us slowly through the second clue, with teeny tiny baby steps and I still had no idea what he was talking about.  But, whatever, we had the first two numbers. There weren't that many possible combinations left so we launched another full frontal assault and escaped to the glories of the waiting area and our group photo.  Left to our own devices, we would still be in that last room, deciding who we should eat first.

Instead we found ourselves, backed up against the victory wall, holding our placard emblazoned with our team name and score time.
Four Moore's of the Apocalypse
68 Minutes (yeah, right)
Becca/Brittney/damn,what was her name? said, "Smile"
We didn't say "fuck off", so well done, us.
Then we left.

The car ride home was silent.  When we got home, we all went in separate rooms and closed the doors.  Did we bond as a family? Well, let me put it this way. If only three of us had walked out of that room and Missy had asked, "Weren't there four of you?" The remaining would have insisted there were only three. If you can't trust your family to help you hide a body, who can you trust?

Look, they had fun!