B+ Mom: Book Art

fucking sucks. Honestly, who came up with this? Someone who grew tired of swallowing bees? This can't be a hobby...it's gotta be a prank.

So the library weeded out a bunch of books that were either out of date or never checked out and what do you do with a bunch of unused books? Well, some were shipped to other folks but what about the ones that can't be used?? Oh, I know, let's use them for book art! That'll be fun.

Wrong.

I tried to find tutorials on-line, for free, and didn't have much luck. The one I did find was really long and I mean really long. I scrolled down to step 77 and said 'fuck this'. I mean really, wasn't there several points where the instructions could have read, 'repeat lines 3&4 10 more times'? Seriously people, who are you trying to impress? How many people are out there looking for a new hobby that involves 374 steps to complete? Those are not people you want knowing your name. Or email address.

I ended up buying a book on Amazon. 'folded book art' by Clare Youngs. The title was in lower case letters because Clare is down-to-earth and relate-able. Don't get me started on how both of her names are spelled wrong. Don't get me wrong the book was beautiful. Lovely pictures of finished works of art, clear and concise instructions with easy to follow diagrams. Perfect.

Wrong.

Clare is a fucking bitch. If I knew where Clare lived I would run her over with my car. Then backup and run her over again. And I'd recognize her immediate because, oh, I know her. I've met her, I've worked with her and our kids go to the same schools. She is always immaculately put together. Her car has zero door dings. Her kids are always polite and respectful; even when no one is looking. She volunteers to help and, get this, always shows up and actually helps. She never brings store bought food to school functions even though everyone loves squishy white dinner rolls, Clare. Everyone. She's never sent her kid to school with a Lunchable. And the worst part? The very worst part? She so fucking nice. goooooooddddddd. You know it's gotta be fake, right? They're all on Ritalin or they're really robots. Of course, deep down you know they're just really good people. God, I want to fucking hate her but I can't because she so fucking nice.

Anyway, I've got your number Ms. Clare Youngs. Your beautiful book is filled with lies.

I picked out the one I wanted to make.

I mean, would you just look at that!

I got my used book, my quick drying glue, my xacto knife, and my chopsticks to help curl pages. (I later realized the xacto knife was so you could slit your wrists. It really should not be listed as a necessary tool. That's just asking for trouble, especially if you live with other people) I followed all the steps and they were so easy. They really were. Everything went perfectly until I finished and it looked nothing like the picture, Clare, NOTHING.

Nailed It!

I don't even know what went wrong. I followed all the steps. Each one looked just like the helpfully provided diagrams. Each One. Then I looked at the picture again and.......heeeeeyyyyy.....that's not a book, Clare. It's not a book! Books aren't made with card stock. You used card stock, Clare! You used card stock and had the nerve to write in step #15 'with a piece of card stock fold a triangle, blah blah blah'...Like you hadn't be using card stock the entire time! YOU FUCKING CHEATED, CLARE! I was right, it is all fake, you are a robot, you don't sleep so you spend all night cooking and training your dog and buffing out your van doors. You keep those kids locked up in cages, Clare!

So now I was on a mission. Fuck your instructions, Clare. I'm making my own heart book art. And screw you....and, well, I'll keep some of the instructions....but this is way harder because I'm using floppy, lightweight, wimpy, ACTUAL book pages.