(We still have a board meeting and some committee meetings. In fact we had a committee meeting last night. It was in Valerie's garage because these people have meetings in garages. I don't know why. I had put my foot down and declared that I would no longer attend meetings unless I was allowed inside the house with the bathroom and the booze, but I had to make an exception last night because of reasons. That and no one was noticing My Stand. Towards the end of the meeting, something moved and banged over amongst the rubbermaid storage containers and scared the shit out of me and the lady sitting next to me. She thought it was a ghost. I thought it was a rat. We both wanted to leave. No more garages!)
Anyway, the general meetings typically end with a speaker or something similar. This month's meeting ending with everyone sharing a holiday recipe or tradition. I would have know this if I'd read the entire email but I adhere to the strict rule "if you don't make your point in the first three sentences then you don't have a point" (IYDMYPITFTSTYDHAP, for short) So, everyone was sharing. Everyone. E.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. Fun fact, most people's Thanksgiving traditions include turkey and stuffing. Jesus wept. I left when the microphone was pasted to the second table. I did not have the fortitude to wait for the microphone to make it over to the six of us at table #12. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere about what's wrong with the country and the importance of taking the time to listen and care....whatever. I left. Come the rapture, that one's on me.
IF I had stayed I would have shared this story.
It was two thanksgivings ago.....John has always been in charge of the turkey because the guy can cook a mean bird. That particular year he decided to order a fresh turkey from Whole Foods. I offered to do the ordering for him and it was going well until I logged onto the Whole Foods website and discovered that there were approximately 7,000 different kinds of turkeys. Nope. I'm out. "John, you're gonna have to order it yourself. I will, however, go with you to pick it up." Color me helpful. We put off the pick-up until the last possible moment so Thanksgiving Eve found all four of us at Whole Foods along with a couple thousand other folks. Turkey pick-up was in the back of the store, past the meat counter and down the hall towards the loading dock. It was madness. Folks standing everywhere, in what would have been a line except each customer was accompanied by their entire extended family. People who'd picked up their birds had to fight their way back through the same mess and to top things off the bathrooms were down the same hallway. "Is this the line for the bathroom?" "No, it's down there. Best of luck to ya!" It took me about 4 seconds to decided that I did not need to be there. "I'm going to the front of the store. Text me."
I waited at the front, watching the frantic last minute shopping unfold around me. After a while the boys wandered to the front to join me. One had even thought to bring the car keys with him. Groovy. We're out of here. text: John, meet you at the car.
John eventually showed up, exhausted with turkeys, grocery stores and humanity in general. We then spent 20 minutes trying to get out of the parking lot because as we all know one of Whole Foods' key business strategies is to ensure that each of their locations has only 60% of the necessary parking. Eventually we got home. John worked his magic on the bird. We got the kitchen cleaned up and were done for the night.
John, "So how much did the bird end up costing?"
Me, "Huh?"
John, "The bird. You went up fr......"
Me, "You had the pape....."
John, "but...uh..."
Me, "didn't y.....?"
And that was the year we stole a turkey.
On a side note, if you go into Whole Foods on the day after Thanksgiving and explain how you stole a turkey and that you'd like to pay for it but you don't have the paperwork and can't remember what kind it was but it was around 12 lbs., they will ask you to leave.
I waited at the front, watching the frantic last minute shopping unfold around me. After a while the boys wandered to the front to join me. One had even thought to bring the car keys with him. Groovy. We're out of here. text: John, meet you at the car.
John eventually showed up, exhausted with turkeys, grocery stores and humanity in general. We then spent 20 minutes trying to get out of the parking lot because as we all know one of Whole Foods' key business strategies is to ensure that each of their locations has only 60% of the necessary parking. Eventually we got home. John worked his magic on the bird. We got the kitchen cleaned up and were done for the night.
John, "So how much did the bird end up costing?"
Me, "Huh?"
John, "The bird. You went up fr......"
Me, "You had the pape....."
John, "but...uh..."
Me, "didn't y.....?"
And that was the year we stole a turkey.
On a side note, if you go into Whole Foods on the day after Thanksgiving and explain how you stole a turkey and that you'd like to pay for it but you don't have the paperwork and can't remember what kind it was but it was around 12 lbs., they will ask you to leave.
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