Me, "Sam, do you have shorts?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "And they fit?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "And you know where they are?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "Are you sure?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "Cause we're here so now's the time to speak up."
Sam, "YES. GEEZ"
Day of the trip. I'm driving the kids home from school.
Me, "Dad said that the car will not be easily accessible so we need to try to get everything in the room in one trip."
Tom, "Yes, we know."
Me, "So you can't be packing a bunch of stuff in your backpacks."
Tom, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Me, "All your things need to fit into your suitcase."
Tom, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Me, "You'll be carrying other things so no backpacks."
Tom, Yeah, yeah, yeah."
* he actually kept saying yeah, yeah, yeah and not as a joke. as in 'I know so shut the fuck up.'
At the house, we're just about ready to head out when:
Me, "Sam, are you changing clothes?"
Sam, "I don't have any shorts."
and then, Tom walks out of his bedroom with 27 lbs of books shoved into his backpack.
I started shouting things and I don't even remember what I said.
First xanax of the trip and we haven't even left the house.
We arrive at the Lodge and it's really nice, and familiar. When we step off the elevator, it hits me, "Oh my god, it's The Shining."
John, "It is The Shining. They based the interiors on this lodge."
Me, "That is so cool. I think."
In the room, I start claiming my space. Space that is not to be littered with food wrappers, dirty socks or other gross things that males generate over the course of a weekend. I carry my wash kit into the bathroom and check things out. Pedestal sink, no counter, one long shelf running over the sink and toilet, smaller half shelf above it over the toilet. okay, I'm taking the small shelf and the three of them can destroy the rest of the room. I go to put my wash kit on the top shelf when it falls open and half the contents fall into the toilet.
Second xanax of the trip. Where's the bar?
The next day we wandered around, checking things out and took a tram tour of the park. It was very interesting, filled with beautiful scenery and interesting historical facts. But the very best part was one of the lookout spots. I don't remember which one but here's what I do remember. There was a smallish parking lot with spots for cars all around the edges and three long spots marked for tour buses. The buses and our tram were being driven by professional drivers who knew exactly how long their vehicle was and how tight their turning radius was to within an inch. The cars were being driven by bunch of morons who probably flunked the written the first time. It was beautiful. Like a bunch of toddlers being thrown on stage with the Bolshoi. The teamsters were driving into their designated spots and no they are not going to let you cut in front of them and yes you are parked illegally so you better move because I'm not stopping and if you chose to ignore the ranger and my honking, then I'll just pull it right here and look at that now you're trapped and I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. John and I stood for the entire 10 minute break with our backs to the scenery, laughing at the cars. "How do I get a job here? I could stand here all day, writing parking tickets. They wouldn't even have to pay me."
Next day, John and the boys get up early and go on a steep hike that involves getting drenched by a waterfall. I slept in but I did hear Tom whisper to Sam, "Please, tell me he didn't just wake us up at 7:00 am." Hours later, I roll out of bed and head downstairs for breakfast. Table for one, please!
The hostess checks her little chart, then turns to the guy next to her and says, "Please, show this young lady to table #<whatever>" and I'm thinking 'yes, show this youn....wait a minute. She said that ironically. Bitch just called me a young lady IN IRONY.' I'll have coffee, oatmeal and a whiskey.
I had a lovely day. John and the boys got back exhausted. The CEO of Apple showed up and you'd have thought he was a rock star. My first thought was that some athlete was out on the deck. A lady actually had her picture taken with him. He was very nice and talked with them all. Me, "Will you go ask him why my bluetooth keeps turning itself off?" John, "Oh sure, no problem" but he didn't.
And in case you're wondering what happens when John has too much to drink, here's your answer. He will stand up at some point during the evening and rush out of the lounge and come back with an enormous stuffed bear. "I was afraid the gift shop was going to close."
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| I think I'll name him Tim, Tim CookieBear, after our famous guest |
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