So Sam was searching colleges online, looking for ones with good history departments. He found one in Vermont or New Hampshire, one of the two. It doesn't matter.
Me, "So Sam found a college in <which ever state>. Apparently it has a good history department. I don't like it."
John, "It's not a problem. We can work it out for whatever college he chooses."
Me, "No, that's not what I mean. It's too far away. So I explained that if he picks a school in California or at least on the west coast, then he can come home whenever he wants because he'll be a car-ride or train-ride away. If he picks a school on the east coast, or really even the midwest, then we're talking plane rides so he probably would only be able to come home at Christmas."
John, "What? You told him that?"
Me, "I was just being realist..."
John, "Oh my g...I'll go talk to him."
Me, "What???"
Oh, sure. I'm the bad guy. I waited 16 years before intentionally dismantling one of his dreams. 16 years! I deserve a medal.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
When good games go bad
In the car,
Me, "Slug Bug!" <punching Sam and point towards the VW> "Black one."
Sam, "Lexus Lick!"
Me, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Me, "Slug Bug!" <punching Sam and point towards the VW> "Black one."
Sam, "Lexus Lick!"
Me, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Overhead Projectors
So John sent a text with a couple of pieces of office equipment that they were getting rid of because they had become obsolete. One was an overhead projector, and I really wanted it. Sam saw the picture and asked what it was.
Me, "It's an overhead projector. You don't even know what that is, do you?"
Sam, "That's not an overhead projector. We have overhead projectors in our classrooms."
Me, "Those aren't overhead projectors. THIS is an overhead projector. You put a transparency on the light box and the mirrors above it reflect the writing onto the screen."
Sam, "No, an overhead projector is a projector that is bolted to the ceiling over your head."
Me, <wrapped in confusion> " "
Why in the hell were these things called overhead projectors?
Anyway, John was convinced it would never get used and he was probably right so it didn't come home to live with us. Fast forward a few weeks and suddenly I have a desperate need for an overhead projector.
We're redecorating the library and one of the things we're going to do is put literary quotes on the walls. As we were debating how best to do this and the librarians weren't jumping on board with my idea of making the art classes do it. I really don't understand why people work at schools when you're not allowed to force the kids do shit. Then Niki says, can't we use an old overhead projector and trace the letters; and I smacked her in the arm and said, "SHIIIIITTT. I almost had an overhead projector!!!" I checked with John and the overhead projector was gone. I checked a few more times to make sure that it really was truly gone and not just that he didn't want to bring it home. Yes, it. was. gone. but it turned out that the school had one in the equipment graveyard. yippee.
The next stumbling block came after I found a bunch of awesome quotes to use and brought them into the library.
Me, "I decided to use only quotes from women."
Librarian, "I think it needs to be fair and let everyone have a voice."
Me, "So, you're thinking that men haven't had an equal voice?"
Librarian, "I'm just saying it needs to be equal."
Me, "Fine, I'll paint the female quotes and one of the men <waving my arm to indicate the entire campus> can come and paint the male ones. Besides it'll take years for anyone to even figure it out."
So that was settled and now I needed to find transparency paper. Which is impossible. It no longer exists in stores and only a few clerk will understand what you're talking about. You can, however, find vellum paper with is semi-transparent. How much of a difference could that make? Semi-transparent/transparent? I just needed enough of a reflection to trace. Right? Wrong. You can't use vellum paper as transparency paper and honestly I don't understand why. The more I thought about it the more I began to doubt whether transparency paper actually worked. Was this some rosy colored memory from my childhood? Was it like the Easter bunny? No, no they really did use transparencies and they'd even write on it and we could see it all on the screen. I just know we did.
Transparency paper can be found online, but for whatever reason, ordering it seemed like a bridge too far. I mean, every office on the planet probably has a box of transparency paper sitting in the back of the supply closet with 23 years of dust on it. Right? And I have a husband who works in an office. This prompted more texts to the poor guy who thought he was in the clear after convincing me that yes, the overhead projector was really gone. Choosing the path of least resistance, he came home with a stack of transparency paper and backed out of the room.
Now here's another interesting fact about vellum vs. transparencies. You can print on vellum just like any other kind of paper but transparencies, not so much. The first one worked fine because it evidently did not touch anything. The second one rubbed up against the first and smeared the printing. "whaaaat the fuck?" Nope, printing on transparency paper isn't a thing anymore. What were they doing back in the day? Typing on it? When they rubbed off their writing with the side of their fist, the entire document didn't wipe off too. Why is this causing so many problems? Little Miss Perfect Online didn't mention this when she told us all how she painted beautiful, inspiring quotes above the crib in her nursery. Neither did the rest of her internet coven. Interestingly enough, if you read the 1 star reviews on Amazon, they ALL tell you that sure the box says you can print on it but, and this is important, YOU CAN'T. Fine, whatever, I don't need these things to last for ever, just long enough to trace the damn thing.
Oh, one similarity, whether you use vellum or a transparency sheet, you have to stand there and feed each sheet into the printer one at a time so it doesn't jam but it may jam anyway and you'd have to feed the transparency sheets one at a time anyway because of the smearing issue. 30 minutes of my life was: open document, feed in sheet, press print, wait, remove sheet, place it on the dining room table two inches from anything else so it doesn't smear, remind the kids not to put anything on the dining room table. And repeat. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Now do the easy Do-It-Yourselve overhead projector. This is so easy to do at home and all you need is a box and a lamp. Flip the box upside down, put the lamp under the box, place transparency on one end and voila, overhead projector. This made perfect sense to me because if you can use a cardboard box to safely look at an eclipse, then this should totally work. Cardboard is truly a wonder. Nope. This doesn't work either. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK. Who are these women? This is why we have internet trolls. You post these bullshit projects that don't work and you think we're not going to drive you to tears? Payback's a bitch, darling.
I'm a week into this project and nowhere near ready to start tracing but it has taught me two things:
1) I'm pretty sure these inspirational quotes are not supposed to leave you standing in front of your printer, muttering, "fuck you, Maya."
2) 90% of all craft posts on the Internet are there just to fuck with you.
Me, "It's an overhead projector. You don't even know what that is, do you?"
Sam, "That's not an overhead projector. We have overhead projectors in our classrooms."
Me, "Those aren't overhead projectors. THIS is an overhead projector. You put a transparency on the light box and the mirrors above it reflect the writing onto the screen."
Sam, "No, an overhead projector is a projector that is bolted to the ceiling over your head."
Me, <wrapped in confusion> " "
Why in the hell were these things called overhead projectors?
Anyway, John was convinced it would never get used and he was probably right so it didn't come home to live with us. Fast forward a few weeks and suddenly I have a desperate need for an overhead projector.
We're redecorating the library and one of the things we're going to do is put literary quotes on the walls. As we were debating how best to do this and the librarians weren't jumping on board with my idea of making the art classes do it. I really don't understand why people work at schools when you're not allowed to force the kids do shit. Then Niki says, can't we use an old overhead projector and trace the letters; and I smacked her in the arm and said, "SHIIIIITTT. I almost had an overhead projector!!!" I checked with John and the overhead projector was gone. I checked a few more times to make sure that it really was truly gone and not just that he didn't want to bring it home. Yes, it. was. gone. but it turned out that the school had one in the equipment graveyard. yippee.
The next stumbling block came after I found a bunch of awesome quotes to use and brought them into the library.
Me, "I decided to use only quotes from women."
Librarian, "I think it needs to be fair and let everyone have a voice."
Me, "So, you're thinking that men haven't had an equal voice?"
Librarian, "I'm just saying it needs to be equal."
Me, "Fine, I'll paint the female quotes and one of the men <waving my arm to indicate the entire campus> can come and paint the male ones. Besides it'll take years for anyone to even figure it out."
So that was settled and now I needed to find transparency paper. Which is impossible. It no longer exists in stores and only a few clerk will understand what you're talking about. You can, however, find vellum paper with is semi-transparent. How much of a difference could that make? Semi-transparent/transparent? I just needed enough of a reflection to trace. Right? Wrong. You can't use vellum paper as transparency paper and honestly I don't understand why. The more I thought about it the more I began to doubt whether transparency paper actually worked. Was this some rosy colored memory from my childhood? Was it like the Easter bunny? No, no they really did use transparencies and they'd even write on it and we could see it all on the screen. I just know we did.
Transparency paper can be found online, but for whatever reason, ordering it seemed like a bridge too far. I mean, every office on the planet probably has a box of transparency paper sitting in the back of the supply closet with 23 years of dust on it. Right? And I have a husband who works in an office. This prompted more texts to the poor guy who thought he was in the clear after convincing me that yes, the overhead projector was really gone. Choosing the path of least resistance, he came home with a stack of transparency paper and backed out of the room.
Now here's another interesting fact about vellum vs. transparencies. You can print on vellum just like any other kind of paper but transparencies, not so much. The first one worked fine because it evidently did not touch anything. The second one rubbed up against the first and smeared the printing. "whaaaat the fuck?" Nope, printing on transparency paper isn't a thing anymore. What were they doing back in the day? Typing on it? When they rubbed off their writing with the side of their fist, the entire document didn't wipe off too. Why is this causing so many problems? Little Miss Perfect Online didn't mention this when she told us all how she painted beautiful, inspiring quotes above the crib in her nursery. Neither did the rest of her internet coven. Interestingly enough, if you read the 1 star reviews on Amazon, they ALL tell you that sure the box says you can print on it but, and this is important, YOU CAN'T. Fine, whatever, I don't need these things to last for ever, just long enough to trace the damn thing.
Oh, one similarity, whether you use vellum or a transparency sheet, you have to stand there and feed each sheet into the printer one at a time so it doesn't jam but it may jam anyway and you'd have to feed the transparency sheets one at a time anyway because of the smearing issue. 30 minutes of my life was: open document, feed in sheet, press print, wait, remove sheet, place it on the dining room table two inches from anything else so it doesn't smear, remind the kids not to put anything on the dining room table. And repeat. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Now do the easy Do-It-Yourselve overhead projector. This is so easy to do at home and all you need is a box and a lamp. Flip the box upside down, put the lamp under the box, place transparency on one end and voila, overhead projector. This made perfect sense to me because if you can use a cardboard box to safely look at an eclipse, then this should totally work. Cardboard is truly a wonder. Nope. This doesn't work either. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK. Who are these women? This is why we have internet trolls. You post these bullshit projects that don't work and you think we're not going to drive you to tears? Payback's a bitch, darling.
I'm a week into this project and nowhere near ready to start tracing but it has taught me two things:
1) I'm pretty sure these inspirational quotes are not supposed to leave you standing in front of your printer, muttering, "fuck you, Maya."
2) 90% of all craft posts on the Internet are there just to fuck with you.
Friday, January 19, 2018
Welcome to 2018
The other morning I was sitting at the kitchen table reading and Tom walked in.
Tom, "Good morning."
Me, "'Morning."
Tom, "How'd you sleep?"
Me, "uh, fine."
Tom, "Is anything wrong?"
Me, "No, why?"
Tom, "Well, you're answering everything with one word."
Me, "Oh, no, it's this book that I'm reading. I've read some of his other books and they were all strange or woo-woo-woo but this one is just....
Sam walks in the room.
Me, "......this guy's crazy and those guys are greedy."
Sam, "What are you talking about? The presidency?"
So that says a lot.....
Tom, "Good morning."
Me, "'Morning."
Tom, "How'd you sleep?"
Me, "uh, fine."
Tom, "Is anything wrong?"
Me, "No, why?"
Tom, "Well, you're answering everything with one word."
Me, "Oh, no, it's this book that I'm reading. I've read some of his other books and they were all strange or woo-woo-woo but this one is just....
Sam walks in the room.
Me, "......this guy's crazy and those guys are greedy."
Sam, "What are you talking about? The presidency?"
So that says a lot.....
Monday, January 8, 2018
You Must Be the Pretty One
So I'm at the gym this morning, on the elliptical and the guy next to me starts loud talking (because he's that kind of guy. we'll call him DB) to another guy standing in front of him. Soon a third joins them on another elliptical. (Why do I have so much trouble spelling elliptical?)
Standing Man had gotten divorced and he was telling DB. 3rd guy pipes up and says something like I'm 30 and all my friends are getting married but I'm like, hey, not me. <hearts breaking wide open across the state>
DB starts talking, "Hey, look at me, I'm 56 and I just got married. I was seeing this girl for a while and she's totally loaded and one day she asks me, hey, do you want to stop working forever? and I was like sure. I've got my full pension and if you want to pay my way, sure." I'm paraphrasing here but you get my drift. Btw, I would loooove to hear her version on the discussion.
I'm glancing over at him occasionally. He's nothing to write home about. If you're going to pick a trophy boy then pick a trophy boy. And it's it fascinating how douche bags thrive in captivity. It's like a reverse Darwinism; survival of the dumbest. This guy is 56; he could never be released into the wild. Standing Man glances at me and gives me a shrug and I start laughing. DB turns to me.
Me, "You are a keeper."
DB, "Oh yeah, I'm not leaving."
Me, "Not what I meant."
And I return to my book. I'm almost done, and it's getting really good. I'll finish it this morning and then later today I can watch the movie. It's the first day back from winter break, pouring rain, there's leftover Chinese food in the fridge and the boys aren't home to half-watch the movie and repeatedly ask me what's going on. Perfect day. Bonus, Gillian Anderson is in it along with Julian Sands. That had to have cause confusion on the set. Gillian. Julian. Julian. Gillian. And what's up with Julian Sands anyway? He was in Oxford Blues then disappeared and pops up every 6-7 years on the BBC. Where does he go? Wasn't he rumored to be the father of Jodie Foster's kids? I'll have to google that when I get home.
Then I hear something.
DB, "words, words"
Me <is this guy talking to me?>, "huh?"
DB, "Did I get your blood boiling there?"
Me, "uh....no?"
DB, "Didn't mean to get your blood boiling. Ha Ha Ha"
Me, "oh, bless her heart."
DB, "huh?"
Me, "Seriously, are you scripted?" (Okay, I didn't say that but I was thinking it really loudly)
DB, <silence and turns back to his buddy.>
And I mean that. Bless her heart. If she hadn't stepped up to look after this guy then he would have been out there defaulting on loans, driving up insurance rates and littering. She really took one for the team. Bless. Her. Heart.
Although I would have picked someone younger.....
Standing Man had gotten divorced and he was telling DB. 3rd guy pipes up and says something like I'm 30 and all my friends are getting married but I'm like, hey, not me. <hearts breaking wide open across the state>
DB starts talking, "Hey, look at me, I'm 56 and I just got married. I was seeing this girl for a while and she's totally loaded and one day she asks me, hey, do you want to stop working forever? and I was like sure. I've got my full pension and if you want to pay my way, sure." I'm paraphrasing here but you get my drift. Btw, I would loooove to hear her version on the discussion.
I'm glancing over at him occasionally. He's nothing to write home about. If you're going to pick a trophy boy then pick a trophy boy. And it's it fascinating how douche bags thrive in captivity. It's like a reverse Darwinism; survival of the dumbest. This guy is 56; he could never be released into the wild. Standing Man glances at me and gives me a shrug and I start laughing. DB turns to me.
Me, "You are a keeper."
DB, "Oh yeah, I'm not leaving."
Me, "Not what I meant."
And I return to my book. I'm almost done, and it's getting really good. I'll finish it this morning and then later today I can watch the movie. It's the first day back from winter break, pouring rain, there's leftover Chinese food in the fridge and the boys aren't home to half-watch the movie and repeatedly ask me what's going on. Perfect day. Bonus, Gillian Anderson is in it along with Julian Sands. That had to have cause confusion on the set. Gillian. Julian. Julian. Gillian. And what's up with Julian Sands anyway? He was in Oxford Blues then disappeared and pops up every 6-7 years on the BBC. Where does he go? Wasn't he rumored to be the father of Jodie Foster's kids? I'll have to google that when I get home.
Then I hear something.
DB, "words, words"
Me <is this guy talking to me?>, "huh?"
DB, "Did I get your blood boiling there?"
Me, "uh....no?"
DB, "Didn't mean to get your blood boiling. Ha Ha Ha"
Me, "oh, bless her heart."
DB, "huh?"
Me, "Seriously, are you scripted?" (Okay, I didn't say that but I was thinking it really loudly)
DB, <silence and turns back to his buddy.>
And I mean that. Bless her heart. If she hadn't stepped up to look after this guy then he would have been out there defaulting on loans, driving up insurance rates and littering. She really took one for the team. Bless. Her. Heart.
Although I would have picked someone younger.....
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Stingray City
Some of this occurred, some didn't. I'll let you determine which is which.
So our boat is anchored on the sandbar and Natalie is giving out helpful information and safety tips.
Natalie, "The stingrays will swim towards you, brush against you, swim through your legs. Their skin can be rough. Do not scream that you've been stung. You have not been stung."
Me, <raising hand> "Are there sharks?"
Natalie, "No, there are no sharks. We have a bucket of calamari pieces that you can feed the stingrays. They will suck it out of your hand."
Me, < raising hand> "How do you know there aren't any sharks?"
Natalie, "Sharks prefer to stay farther out. Boys, please do not put pieces of calamari into your pockets. If you do the stingray will follow you all over the sandbar until it sucks the piece out of your pocket."
Me, < raising hand> "What is the stingray's main predator?"
Natalie, "Um, that would probably be the shark. Mothers after touching the calamari, do not touch your child. Every spot you touch your child will attract the stingrays and they will try to suck up any last bit of juice. This is called a Stingray Hickey."
Me, < raising hand> "So how do you know that there aren't any sharks?
Toms, "Jeez, Mom. You're more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark."
Me, < raising hand> "Are there any cows?"
So our boat is anchored on the sandbar and Natalie is giving out helpful information and safety tips.
Natalie, "The stingrays will swim towards you, brush against you, swim through your legs. Their skin can be rough. Do not scream that you've been stung. You have not been stung."
Me, <raising hand> "Are there sharks?"
Natalie, "No, there are no sharks. We have a bucket of calamari pieces that you can feed the stingrays. They will suck it out of your hand."
Me, < raising hand> "How do you know there aren't any sharks?"
Natalie, "Sharks prefer to stay farther out. Boys, please do not put pieces of calamari into your pockets. If you do the stingray will follow you all over the sandbar until it sucks the piece out of your pocket."
Me, < raising hand> "What is the stingray's main predator?"
Natalie, "Um, that would probably be the shark. Mothers after touching the calamari, do not touch your child. Every spot you touch your child will attract the stingrays and they will try to suck up any last bit of juice. This is called a Stingray Hickey."
Me, < raising hand> "So how do you know that there aren't any sharks?
Toms, "Jeez, Mom. You're more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark."
Me, < raising hand> "Are there any cows?"
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
12 Days of Christmas Cruise (the rest)
12 million people clearing customs
(ffffuuuuucccckkkkkkk)
11 minutes, winning sudoku time!
(suck it, losers!)
10 drinks till midnight
(happy new year!)
9 hours to Chichen Itza
(will this bus ride ever ennnnnnnnd?!?)
8 stingrays flapping
(hey, I don't know how many there were and neither do you.)
7 questions from the spa technician
6 quarts of sweat in Columbia
(me, "jeez, how hot is it??", john, "it's not the heat it's the humidity." me, "shut up.")
5 Tiiiiiinnnnyyyyy Speeeeeeddooooooossssss
(full body shudder....make it staaaaawp!)
4 losing games of bingo (but we won $2 on pull tabs!)
3 hours napping
2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room
(ffffuuuuucccckkkkkkk)
11 minutes, winning sudoku time!
(suck it, losers!)
10 drinks till midnight
(happy new year!)
9 hours to Chichen Itza
(will this bus ride ever ennnnnnnnd?!?)
8 stingrays flapping
(hey, I don't know how many there were and neither do you.)
7 questions from the spa technician
6 quarts of sweat in Columbia
(me, "jeez, how hot is it??", john, "it's not the heat it's the humidity." me, "shut up.")
5 Tiiiiiinnnnyyyyy Speeeeeeddooooooossssss
(full body shudder....make it staaaaawp!)
4 losing games of bingo (but we won $2 on pull tabs!)
3 hours napping
2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room
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