Me, "Oh my god, I can't believe you said that out loud!"
John, "<someone> at work got a summons..."
Me, "Stop talking!"
John, "He was saying...."
Me, "OHMYGODIMNOTLISTENINGIMNOTLISTENING"
And I left the room.
About a week and a half later, I got a jury summons in the mail.
I immediately called John at work.
Me, "I am so angry with YOU!"
John, "whhhaaaa"
Me, "This is all your fault! I told you not to talk about it but, oh no, you wouldn't listen to me."
John, 'I..waa..hh"
Me, "I got a summons for jury duty. YOUSONOFABITCH!"
And I hung up.
When John got home from work later that day, he reminded me that I could request a deferral. Yeah, yeah, I knew that and I showed him the back of the summons. The back 3/4 of the sheet dealt with deferments. There were fourteen circumstances listed that would disqualify you as a potential juror. Although, I'm sure, that are thousands more that they haven't thought of yet, like I'm rehabilitating a family of squirrels and they require feeding every four hours. And, no, we're not running out of squirrels but every squirrel is precious, do you really want me to set PETA on your ass?
One reason is, "insufficient knowledge of the English language" which begs the question, how did you read that? But more importantly, this is the number one reason to learn a second language. If I knew a second language I would totally pretend not to understand English. I used to work with a gal who would do that. It was really funny until the time I ended up dealing with a moron at the warehouse sale and she went upstairs to get pizza.
Sonja, <in fake broken Chinese-English>, "No speeek ennn-gleeeesh"
Me, <yelling down the aisle after her>, "YES, YOU DO!"
Stay in school, kids. Knowledge is power.
Did you know that you can't get called for jury duty if you've committed a felony? That to me is totally backwards. Felons have a far great knowledge of the criminal justice system than the rest of us. My knowledge base comes from binge watching Law and Order. As far as I know, the average criminal trial last 23 minutes. Felons have lived this shit. Some have made a career of their involvement with the criminal justice system. Jury duty should be part of their parole package.
Felon #1, "Aw, man, you can't do that. Where's the probably cause?"
Felon #2, "See, that right there is grounds for an appeal."
You can also get out of jury duty if you are breast feeding a child but here's the catch. It doesn't specify whose child, and you only get deferment for one year. So, by my thinking, I could get a stack of business cards that read "Jennifer Moore, Wet Nurse" and I'm free for life.
Unfortunately none of the Deferment Options apply to me so I figured, what the hell, it's summer vacation. May as well get it over with while the boys are out of school. Then John reminded me that the date was the week before ComicCon and if I were to get selected for a jury it could screw up our vacation. Well, that would seriously suck so I got online and requested a postponement until after our trip to San Diego. Since then I've been thinking, what could they really do to me if I didn't show up? Really? I've never had a warrant issued against me so I could check that off the ole Bucket List. I guess I could be charged with Contempt and throw in county lock-up, but, honestly, at my age, my biggest concern would be whether or not the mattress was stained.
Not surprisingly, county lock-up has fallen into the same category as rehab or a psych-ward. (I had this conversation with my friend, Tina, a while ago.) I've decided that a stint in rehab/psych ward wouldn't be that bad. I mean, John would have to send me to a nice one or he'd look bad. He'd need a shiny brochure to show people, "look at the pretty garden she can walk through." So what are we really talking about here? Detox would be a breeze; how long does it take to get Chardonnay out of your system? No one writhes on the bathroom tiles, moaning "It was a young vintage. And rather fruity." So what's left? Someone else is cooking and cleaning, and I'd wear pajamas all day so bonus, no laundry. That leaves jigsaw puzzles in the rec-room, and sitting in a circle and talking about our feelings. Bitch, please. It's not like I'm going to be working through tough emotional issues that I was hereto for unaware of. Hell, I could diagnose everyone else in the first 20 minutes; the counselor could take the week off. Think how much sleep I'd get. And I love checkers! Sure, jail would be louder and John would need to bring me cartons of smokes so I could stay in the card games. But I do play a mean game of Spades and I know when to lose. That coupled with the fact that my commissary account would always be flush, I think I could carry myself for a couple of days. Tina totally agreed and had been contemplating it herself. That's why we're friend. Incidentally, when the boys were infants, I discovered other mothers in my twins group had also fantasized about getting hospitalized. Not with anything serious, mind you, just something minor so we could get some sleep for a couple of days. I guess things really don't change all that much.
So here I sit. Waiting for 5:00 to roll around to see if I'll be driving up to Richmond tomorrow, through rush hour traffic, mind you, to see if I will be participating our democratic legal system. And I CAN'T forget to bring my cell phone charger. If I get stuck up there all day and my phone dies, that would be a disaster. See, these are my chief concerns: dead batteries, mattresses, and rush hour traffic. I should be dismissed on those grounds alone. Potential Juror #15 does not appear to be taking this very seriously. And won't stop bitching that she's only getting paid $27. Keeps yelling, "I don't get out of bed for less that $30". Communism is starting to sound good.
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