Fuck Normal

So I just got back from my yearly physical.  I love my doctor but it wasn't a very satisfying visit.  It started with a new financial policy form.  Two of the questions were: date of birth and age.  Unfortunately the line was to short to write "really? do the math".

In the exam room, I made a startling discovery and had to ask myself a rather jarring question, "Why are you hiding your underwear when you're about to give this woman a face full of hoo-hah?" When did this start and why have I not noticed it until today?  I did the same thing when I got a mammogram two weeks ago.  Neatly tucked my bra under my shirt, then flashed my tits to the whole room.  Is this some form of dementia?  But I felt fine when I woke up.

After this the doctor entered the room and the real fun began.  I should start by saying, the last time I saw her was for a pre-op visit before my cataract surgery (that's another story). So the first thing she asked was how it went.
Me, "amazing! It's unbelievable! I need reading glasses but I probably needed those before"
Doctor, "yeah, reading glasses are pretty normal.

Doctor, "Any thing else going on?"
Me, "well, I pee all the time."
Doc, "I can give you something.  I have patients who take it for long car rides or to get through a play."
Me, "If I could just get through the night without waking up, it would be awesome."
Doc, "How often are you waking up?"
Me, "once."
Doc, "Well, once is normal."

Me, "I think I started menopause.  I get these hot flashes."
Doc, "Oh, that's kinda....normal too"
At this point I could see her begin searching her mental thesaurus for synonyms for 'normal'.

Me, "Okay, I've got  5 pounds that I can't lose to save my life.  I've even cut down on the wine and I love the wine. What if I start smoking?"
Doc, chuckling, "Well, I wouldn't do that. At this point, weight gain is normal."

Me, "Okay, fuck normal.  What can you give me to hit abnormal?"