Perspective

So I've started volunteering in the library at the boys' high school and it's helped out quite a bit at home.  Volunteering at schools has always smoothed things over at home because it lowers my expectations dramatically.  After the first dozen or so dead stares, I'm reminded that all of these kids are morons, not just mine. The shear number that seem surprised that they need to provide an id or even just say their id number when checking out a book, is staggering.  "You're seventeen. You're honestly not going to start looking for your id until after I ask for it?" This is the 21st century version of pulling out your checkbook after you hear the total.  Everyone hates you, get comfortable with that.  Sometimes I'll just stare at them, not saying anything, waiting to see if it will dawn on them.  It's fun until I end up blinking first. And I always have to blink first. I tell myself that they realize what I'm doing and they're just better Owl players. But they're not. So I go home and wrap my arms around my own big dumb morons that need to be told to put spoons on the table when we're having chili for dinner.  "You're never moving out of my house, are you? "

I'm sure I've contributed to some of this but I'm only willing to take a small portion of the blame because I'm impatient as fuck and am far more likely to yell, "Oh My God. Figure it out!" than "Just a minute, sweetie, let me help you with that." I'm also lazy as fuck so when they were little and couldn't find a toy I would warn them "If I walk in there and find it, I'm keeping it!" This still works if you replace "Keeping it" with "Taking your ipad".

I blame society. Everything in my house has instructions.  Everything.  When I was a kid the only thing with instructions were the board games and we never read those. Instructions are for pussies. That's was our family motto. John will still pull out game instructions to prove that something is a Dawson rule. Not a rule rule! But why would you not want to put all the fines in the middle and whoever lands on Free Parking get them?

Everything has instructions and not just the important stuff like chain saws and pilot lights. Even the boxes tell you which end to open.  And this is information you really need to know.  If you go over to someone's house and all of their cereal boxes have been opened at the wrong end, maybe you don't want to be marrying them.  I'm just saying.  Sure it was funny the first time they asked how to use the washing machine but if they're still doing it after the fourth time, you may be heading towards a felony. These are important red flags.

So when we are on the last day of textbook checkouts and the Textbook Lady (that, by the way, is her official job title) has to tell the kids to line up on the left so the other kids can get back down the aisle to leave, I'm begging her to stop telling them that. They have six classes; this is the sixth time they've been through this process in a week and a half.  Just let them jam up and punch their way out.  How else will we be able to trust them to pick out a nice nursing home?