Running Joke

So John and I have this thing.  It started with one of his issues of Men's Journal.  If you are unfamiliar with Men's Journal, the covers typically show a front-on head and torso shot of some athlete or celebrity, usually shirtless.  The issue in question featured Lance Armstrong, pre-drug scandal.  I walked into the bathroom and there on the counter was a shirtless Lance Armstrong staring me straight in the face. I flipped the magazine over and went about my business.  Over the course of the week, I would find myself walking into a room and <boom> there was Lance Armstrong staring up at me.  I finally said something to John like, "God, everywhere I go that fucker is staring at me!" Over the course of the next week I found Lance Armstrong leaning on my pillow, propped up on the back of the toilet, and inside my medicine cabinet early one morning.

It happened again with an empty Starbucks cup that spent two weeks sitting on the bathroom counter and my casual comment, "Are you every going to throw that goddamn cup away?!?"  Sure enough, the next time I saw the empty Starbucks cup, it was in my underwear drawer. I, however, won that round when I made the cup look like Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Top that, will ya?!

And then I had to make Frylock because, well, because.

Boo-Yah

Needless to say I was not all that surprised to walk into the kitchen this morning to find this:

Yes, that is my plush Aliens Chest Burster dangling between the kitchen lights.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

I laughed and waited for the boys to walk in.  So there I was, sitting at the table, having coffee and watching them amble around the kitchen, toasting waffle, and whatnot.  And I waited.....And I waited...And still nothing.  Finally I said, "Wwwweeeeeeeellll?" Tom look over and said, "Mfph" as he walked out of the room and Sam gave me a half shoulder shrug.  Really?  That's it?

Challenge accepted, good sirs.

Treasures

So we went to a Flea Market the other weekend and I found an old Parker Brothers Ouija board circa 1972.  It's in really good shape, even the box. So cool!

Naturally, the boys and I will be summoning the spirits of the dearly departed come Halloween.  Unfortunately, no one has died or been killed in our house but perhaps we can contact the spirit of the last bird that Abbey killed in the backyard.  I'm sure it's pigeon-kin are in need of closure.

I also found this little silver bell with the sweetest sounding ring.

I thought it would come in handle at home.  Now, when I need something I can ring my lovely little bell rather than scream across the house.  So very Downton Abbey. When I need to know if the boys have finished their homework, I can just ring my bell.  Ting-a-ling-a-ling! When I wondering if John is finished using the computer, Ting-a-ling-a-ling! When the dogs have been staring at me for 10 straight minutes because no one will let them outside,  Ting-a-ling-a-ling!  When I'm in the bedroom reading and really want a Diet Coke,  Ting-a-ling-a-ling!  It's a marvel, my little silver bell.  I'm thinking of getting one for each room of the house. It was the height of civilization. Until John took away my sweet little silver bell.

Me, "Can I have my bell back?"
John, "no"
Me, "Please"
John, "No"
Me, "But.."
John, "NO!"

Jeez, what's got him so upset?
Maybe he wants his own bell.

This is going to be Extremely Unpopular...

But here goes:

I am tired of 'organic'.  There, I said it.  Now can you, please, sprinkle something on those crops so my lettuce doesn't turn black in 2 days?

If '28 Days Later' taught us anything, it was that irradiated apples are a good thing.

Proving once again that John and I could lose each other in the same room

John had some time to kill so agreed to run to the mall with me.  We were taking separate cars so he could to straight to his meeting afterwards.

Me, "I'll meet you in the Nordstrom shoe section."
John, "Women's?"
Me, "Yes, but it's right next to the Men's so it doesn't really matter."
John, "Right inside the south door?"
Me, "I don't know if it's south or not."
John, "Is Nordstrom on the south side of the mall?
Me, "I don't know."
John, "Next to the Bart station?"
Me, "No, it's on the opposite side of the mall from Mellman's office."
John, "Oh, okay. I'll meet you inside the door."
Me, "Yes, in the shoe section."
John, "What door do you usually park at?"
Me, "The one next to the shoes."
John, "The shoes are on the main floor, right?"
Me, "Yes, and there's only one door on that floor."
John, "Okay,"
Me, "Okay.

15 minutes later.....

I'm in the shoe section, browsing around. No John.  I browse around some more.  No John. I left my phone in the car but am now regretting it because I could be reading my book while I'm waiting.  No John.  I find a bench to sit on and it occurs to me that he may have had to go back to work so now I"m really regretting the fact that I left my phone in the car so I leave to get my phone.

Message on my phone, "Where are you?  I'm at the door."

I call back.

John, "I'm at the door opposite Mellman's office."
Me, "Why? We said the shoe section."
<I start walking to the opposite side of the mall thinking he's at the door opposite, not the side opposite."
John, "I'm right behind you."

We both hang up.

John, "Where were you?"
Me, "At the door by the shoe section. Where were you?"
John, "At the door opposite Mellman's office."
Me, "That door's downstairs. We said the door on the main floor."
John, "That door is on the main floor."
Me, "No it's not."
John, "Yes, it is."
<the door in question is actually between the floors with stairs going up and down>
Me, "It's downstairs.  You have to go down the stairs to get to it."
John, "Whatever. Where were you just now?"
Me, "I left my phone in the car but I though maybe you'd been called back to work so I went to get it.?"
John, 'WHHHHY would you leave your phone in the car?"
Me, "BECAUSE we had decided where to meet."
John, "And as many times as we've screwed that up, you thought it would work out this time?"
Me, "We said THE SHOE SECTION."
John, "And you didn't think we could screw that up?"

And we head off into the mall, both muttering...
Me, "we agreed the...."
John, "leave your phone in....."

10 minutes later, he loses me in the cosmetic section because the clerk and I needed to walk over to a different register that was in a straight and clear line from the first one.  I could see him looking around. I was waving. Clerk, looked up and laughed, "men!"
Then I see him wander off as my butt starts ringing.

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.

Did you ever have one of those days...

Where you find yourself in line at the grocery store and all you have in your cart is NightQuil, ice cream bars and a bottle of vodka?

Yeah, me neither...

Fear the Walking Dead is Killing Me

I watched the first season and a half of Walking Dead but stopped.  I don't remember why but I figured it would be easier to start watching the new show than it would be to catch up on the old one. Especially since I feel the same way about the Walking Dead as the guy who made this up:

I've seen the first two episodes of FTWD and if these folks don't smarten up, I'm gone.  Now, I have a very healthy 'willing suspension of disbelieve'.  I know this is a pre-zombie outbreak show so there's going to be a whole lot of 'what's going on?' but, come one, these people are not just zombie-show stupid, they're stupid-stupid.  I'm having to amp up my WSOD; this is clearly a world without George Romero, Brad Pitt or cable t.v.

So we start out with a drugged out kid who sees his friend eating another dudes face.  In the hospital he tells this to his mom and stepdad.  The stepdad, in the greatest act of step-father/step-son bonding in the history of the world decides to go check out the crack house, alone, at night, in L.A.  If you remove the zombies from the scenario, you still wouldn't do this because 1) crack house, 2) alone, 3) at night and 4) in L.A.  This guy is a high school teacher, who brought Jack London to life in a new and exciting way for a group of dead-eyed LA teenagers who all had to walk through a metal detector before entering the building.  Yet he still thinks its a good idea checking out the crack house that is home to a bad batch of drugs, that could be laced with PCB, alone at night in L.A. He should have been shot on principle.

After a while, they decide that something strange is afoot and should maybe leave town. So what do they do? They all race off in different directions. "I know, you go to your ex-wife's house, I'll go to the school, that kid will walk into a riot and the daughter can try to get back to the sick boyfriend's house leaving the druggie detox'g on the couch.  Then y'all will be the 5 people that I meet in heaven." Meanwhile no one has so much as thrown a can of soup into the car.  They live in L.A.! One of these kids had to have put together an earthquake pack for an elementary school project.  There should at least be an old backpack hanging in the garage with a flashlight and a couple packs of batteries. I supposed that I should have been bothered that the step dad had the stupidest conversation with the ex-wife when trying to explain why she and the boy needed to meet him but if those two were able to effectively communicate, I suppose, they'd still be married.  

By the end of the show, the main characters had, personally, seen two people not die after being repeatedly killed, they're still not in a hurry.  They're wandering around, driving the speed limit and obeying traffic laws. And no one has uttered the Z-word.  I don't mean, "Oh, look, it's a zombie."  but at least something like:

person 1, "There's some weird ass zombie-shit going on here."

person 2, "You're not saying there are zombies out there?"

person 1, "No, man, I said 'zombie-shit' like 'zombie-ish or 'zombie-like'. I'm not crazy, just something is really wrong here!"

then they throw some food in the car and drive out of town. 

At this rate, everybody is going to be dead in a few episodes. Except Tobias.  Tobias is the only one with his shit together.  

By the way, if you tell me that you saw a zombie, I would totally believe you. I don't know who's at the top of your Zombie Apocalypse Call Sheet but it should be me.  The same goes for aliens and computers taking over the world.  When SkyNet takes over, call me and I'll spring you from the Funny Farm and we can head for the hills together.  I'll even bring the dogs so we have something to eat in a few weeks. ( Oh, stop it, the zombie apocalypse has no room for you bleeding hearts. )

Sure, Now He Listens

Me, "I can't believe I've run out of conditioner so soon."
John, "What?"
Me, "I'm out of hair conditioner but I swear I just got this a few weeks ago."
John, "Oh, I've been using that on my beard."
Me, "You've been using my hair conditioner on your beard?"
John, "What?"
Me, "You've been using my hair conditioner?"
John, "Yeah."
Me, "On your beard?"
John, "Yeah."
Me, "Do you have any idea how much this stuff costs??"
John, "No, how much does it cost??"
Me, "Uhhhh, I don't think we need to focus on that...."
John, "No, really, how much?
Me, "Do you need beard conditioner?"
John, "How much?"
Me, "I'll get you beard conditioner tomorrow."
John, "Ok."
Me, "Ok,"