Boys are Gross

So, Sam came home from school and announced, "I think I have bedbugs."
Me, "What?"
Then he proceeded to show me a bunch of red spots all over his arms.
Me, "Huh......Are they anywhere else?"
He lifted his shirt and, sure enough, they were on his stomach and back.
Me, "Drop trou."
Sam, "What?"
Me, "Drop trou. Drop your pants. I want to see if they're on your legs."
(Sam's favorite expression quickly be came 'drop trou'. Luckily he forgot about it just as quickly because, name one situation where a 13 year old boy saying 'drop trou' is not inappropriate. Go one, name one.)
Yep, they're on his legs too.
Well, hell.

So I did what any mother would do in the same situation and googled bedbugs.  First thing I learned was that they are way bigger than I thought. Like the size of ticks. Well, hell, that's big enough to notice.  You'd certainly notice something that big, right? Secondly, the bites take a few days to show up so I quickly decided he got them at the house we rented the weekend before, despite the fact that both boys slept in the same bed but only Sam had spots.  I based this conclusion on the fact that bedbugs in someone else's house is much better than bedbugs in my house. Thirdly, I started itching.  Tom, who was googling bedbugs too, informed us, "It says here that the involuntary scratching you develop while talking about bugs is psychological. That's interesting."  Me, "Yeah, I know that." <scratch> <scratch>

Me, "Okay, let's wash your sheets." Sam and I walked into his room and stripped the bottom bunk of his bunk beds.  We threw all the sheets into the washer and set it to run on the Scalding Hot setting.  Then we threw his pillows and quilt in the dryer, again set to run on super hot for 40 minutes.  Google said 30 minutes so 40 must be better, right? Right.  Then we walked back into his bedroom and both stared at the top bunk.  Sam, "Shouldn't we wash those too?"  Me, "Umm....let's start with the bottom.....I'm pretty sure you got the bites at the house in Monterrey." Besides, all the websites said that bedbugs are next to impossible to get rid of on your own so just call an exterminator; and if they're in one room then they're everywhere. Then I start scratching my arm again.  Tom, walks in "You know, that's psychological."  Me, "Yeah, thanks."

Back to the computer for more googling.  Me, "Hey, it says they leave bit marks in a very distinctive rows.  Yours aren't in rows, so that's a good sign." Sam pulled up his shirt and showed me bites across his stomach that appeared to kinda be in rows.  Me, "Well.....I guess those few look like rows but the rest don't" A few minutes later, "They're supposed to itch. Do yours itch?"  Sam said, "kinda" and started getting upset. Sam, "I'm getting grossed out. Why did you say it was bedbugs? "Me, "I didn't say it was bedbugs! You said it was bedbugs! I would have said it was something you ate!" I started vigorously scratching the side of my head.  Me, "I need to stop talking about this for now."  Tom, "That's scratching is psychological." Me, "YES! I know."

A few minutes later I got back on the computer. Apparently you're supposed to wrap the mattresses in plastic for 6 months.  Oh, that's convenient.  Bedbugs can also hide in the headboard but the websites  don't specify fabric headboards. Why don't any of the website say that you're safe with wooden headboards? Not even one. They hide in wooden furniture? How?  And, wait, you have to fill in all the cracks in your walls because bedbugs can flatten themselves to width of a credit card and hide in your walls?? Well, what if you live on a major fault line and cracks just happen from time to time but you don't really care because one day the 'big one' will hit and then you'll be sitting on water front property?  HUH? WHAT THEN?? And I noticed that my arm was halfway down the back of my shirt madly scratching.  Tom, "You know, that's psychological."  Me, "YES, TOM. I KNOW."  I set the computer down and walked away to stare at Sam's bed again.

About this time, John texted.  <how's it going?>
Me, <Sam has bedbugs>
John, <WHAT? From our HOUSE?>
Me, <Oh god, no.  Definitely from the house in Monterrey>
John, <You sure?>
Me, <Either that or we have to move>

The spots were gone a day later.  Me, "See, I told you it wasn't bedbugs."