Christmas is Over

And every surface in my house is covered in legos.

Merry Christmas

Dead Rising - Apocalypse Edition

Let the games begin!

It was a Bad Call, Ripley. A Bad Call

I gave each dog a bit of Beef Wellington last night.  Today, Alice refuses to eat her dry dog food.  She just sits next to me and cries.

I said no such thing

When I picked the boys up from school yesterday, I saw one of their teachers and she seemed really grumpy so I asked Sam about it.

Me, "Is Ms. Whatshername having a bad day or is she always grouchy?"
Sam, "I don't know. I guess she's always like that.  Should I tell her that she needs to improve her attitude?"
Me, "NO"
Sam, "But you're always encouraging me to express myself."
Me, "I've never encouraged you to express yourself.  That must have been Dad.  I've encouraged you to keep quiet as much as possible."

I hate the dentist

And I never used to.  Not until we moved to San Ramon, then I started hating the dentist and I blame this town.  This town where nothing is just 'okay', something has to be wrong. Not until we moved here did I discover all the problems that my kids have.  I should have realized what we were getting into after the first school conference when the teacher explained to me in great detail what an academic disaster my B student was and all the work that needed to be done if he ever wished to make it through 4th grade.  It was the first time I'd ever gone through standardized test results, point by point, and was told each and every area of concern.  Including the subjects that had not yet been taught in class.  "He really struggled with subtracting fractions.  We'll be covering that next month so he's really going to need to focus on that!"  Or perhaps you could just teach a subject before testing on it?  I left the conference with the teacher's grave concerns about his ability to truly success in 3rd grade.  I warned a friend who had just moved here from Texas, "the first conference will be a mess."  She came out amazed, "Well, not only is he not up to 3rd grade levels, he may not even be up to 2nd grade level."  Welcome to San Ramon.

I've also been hit with the California stick at every pediatric appointment.  The boys are relatively healthy so we're only at their doctor once a year for check ups and maybe one other time for strep.  The first year Tom was developing scoliosis but it apparently went away by the next visit.  Another time we sat through a 12 minute lecture on watching for the early warning signs of testicular cancer.  They were 11.  This last year Sam had a collapsed arch. right.

(all of this is true, by the way)

But my biggest problem lately is the dentist, which we see twice a year.  And on every. single. visit.  I have to go back and look in the boys mouths and hear how terrible their oral hygiene is.  On the first visit, I didn't realize that I was supposed to jump up and look in his mouth so I just sat there looking at the dentist looking at me.  It was a little staring contest until....Oh! sorry, let me get in there and see what the upper left number 7 is doing.  Really?  Lady, I'm the mother. Don't you realize that all I want to see is their mouth to be CLOSED?  This last time I got the usual lecture on their substandard oral hygiene and she actually said this, "they really need to focus on this or they will start developing cavities, but neither one have cavities on this visit."  I'm sorry, what was that? No cavities?  Oh, so their oral hygiene isn't that bad?  In fact let's check out the file notes from the last visit.  hmmm, no cavities.  And the visit before that.....no cavities.  In fact between the two boys we have a total of..... zero cavities. So shut. the. fuck. up.

And what also kills me is, they call me Mom.  Let's go get Mom, I'll tell Doctor that Mom is back, well, Mom, Tom wasn't looking so good this visit.  How about you crack open that medical file that is sitting right in front of you, and look up my fucking name?  How about that, huh?   I told John he has to take them to their next appointment and if they call him Dad, I'll give him a blow job.

Now both of the boys have braces so I have the added pleasure of going to the orthodontist every month and hearing the same thing.  I get to hear all the ways  they need to improve their oral hygiene.  Why are you telling me?  I have excellent oral hygiene.  Tell them!  Don't look at me and suggest that I develop a incentive program.  How about this, brush your teeth or they'll fall out of your head.  I blew up at the boys last time and said, "This is the easiest thing that will every be asked of you.  Brush your teeth!!!! Everything after this gets harder!!!!!!!"

I think they need to bring back some of the pain.  When I was a kid, if you didn't brush your teeth the next visit to the dentist was painful.  Now it's all, are you okay? I'll put on more numbing cream. let's use the nitrous oxide.  All we got was the Novocaine shot that hurt like hell.  The dentist would have to wiggle it all around to get it in the right spot.  Shiiiiiittttttt.  Just stop and I'll floss more! uncle! UNCLE!!

And on every visit to the orthodontist, as I'm walking across the parking lot into the building,  I walk past two dads sitting in their cars, too scared to go inside.  fucking cowards.

Happy Thanksgiving!

New Hats

We're heading up to the mountains for Thanksgiving next week so I made new hats for the boys.

Ta-Da!

What is your Super Villain Name and Title??

I am Killer Shot, The Rogue of Men, bow down before me!

Don't you hate it when...

You're at the grocery store and decide to buy a pack of individual puddings for the boys to take in their lunches but over the course of the day, you manage to eat all four of them because they're really quite small, and the whole time you're remembering opening up your own lunch as a kid and finding those puddings in the little tin cans and the trickiness of licking all the pudding off the lid without cutting your tongue open?

Or is it just me?

Happy Birthday from the United States Government

So I went to the post office this morning to mail a big envelope.  As usual, I used the automated postage machine.  If you haven't used these yet, you really should.  They're the best thing since automated gas pumps.  If they'd just get those self-checkout lines straightened out, I wouldn't have to be smiley and polite to the grocery clerks either.  Anyway, I was using the postage machine and after the envelope was weighed and the zip code entered, I scanned my credit card and out popped my preprinted $2.66 postage stamp.  Shazam, like magic.  Then something new happened.  Instead of telling me 'thank you' and printing my receipt, the machine told me that the printer was out of paper and it was unable to print my stamp.  Huh?

Now, typically, the "out of paper" message is the only printer message that I believe.  The other messages like, "unable to connect", "broken pipe" and "you need to replace the cyan cartridge so I can print your black and white document, bitch" are totally bogus.  The damn thing is just trying to make me dance.  Printers are fuckers.

Clearly, this time it was mistaken.  I had my $2.66 stamp but it had clicked back to the 'press to begin your transaction' screen.  Without charging my credit card.  I was so excited and my first thought was "Hey, you can ship a package for free on your birthday!"  After a few seconds, I thought, 'Idiot, the machine is broken' and this is the early stages of my impending dementia. But it could happen, right?  The US Postal Service could certainly use a new approach to customer appreciation, like a free slice of pie on your birthday at the Village Inn or a free cone at Ben and Jerry's.  And if they let it happen on the sly, without a big ad campaign, like a happy accident, then people would be all giddy about going to mail a package instead of standing in the kitchen and deciding whether or not to apply all of the stamps they can find in the junk drawer and seeing how far it'll get, of course that can be fun too, will it get there? will Tina have to pay $1.00 when it gets there? cause I could just mail a dollar to her but I'm out of stamps now so I have to go to the post office, ugh, I hate going to the post office, OH, maybe this time it'll be free....

Or maybe this is why the post office is going bankrupt.

Painting like a Pro

So I finally painted that last bit of wall that was way up high and hard to get to.  I was putting it off because I knew it was going to require the use of the Scary ladder.  We have several ladders that I use when I'm painting.  My Painting ladder, the Tall ladder and the Scary ladder.  The Painting ladder and the Tall ladder are both relatively stable and have little shelves on which to set the paint can.  The Scary ladder bows when you climb on it and it does not have a little shelf so you have to hold the paint can in one hand, the paint brush in another hand and you use your third hand to hold onto the wall.  Oh, wait, no third hand.  So you'll end up there all wobbly, holding on to the wall with nothing but your strong desire not to fall crashing down onto the floor.

After procrastinating for quite a while, I realized that I could bend the Scary ladder and set one end on the floor of the shower and balance the other end on that window sill way up there, and hey, this just might work....So I ended up painting the rest of the bathroom wall, just like those men of old built the sky scrapers only slightly less impressive.

I really don't know how those guys did it.  As soon as I got up there, my coffee kicked in and I had to pooh.

For future reference, if you set up your ladder like this, everyone in the house will want to paint the wall.  "Can I climb up there?"  "Let me try"  "Pleeeeeaaaassseeeeee"

Movie Review - Interstellar

It was a mess.

A long, hot mess.

I've never wanted an alien to eat someone that much in my entire life.

It's somewhere in the middle

Tom, "Where's Dad again?"
Me, "St. Louis."
Sam, "IDAHO!"
Me, "Nope."

I went to my first Cat Show

All I can say is, "the smell".  What is that smell?  Is it going to stay in my clothes?  My pores?  Is it the kitty litter....or the flea powder..... or the snack bar food..... or the fried permed hair....maybe a combination of all four?....Oh my god, it's worse down here....don't go down there....move! move!....I haven't spent that much time breathing through my mouth since 1975 when we were living in South Korea and took a trip to the local open air market and wandered down the kimchi aisle.  What is that smell?! Now you may think you know kimchi because you tried it at that new asian fusion restaurant downtown and it was just a delight but You. Know. Nothing.  What is thaaaaaat????

And I was promised cats in costumes.  There are no cats in costumes.  It's the day after Halloween and you know for damn sure these cats were dressed up yesterday.  C'mon, it's one more day to amortize the cost of that cat costume you spend so long sewing.  There was even a theme to the show "Colors of Autumn".  What's the point of having a theme if the cats aren't dressed to it.  Two orange carriers do not a Color of Autumn theme make.  Is one cat dressed as a pilgrim really too much to ask for?

John, "What's wrong with your face?"
Me, "Huh?"
John, 'It looks frozen."
Me, "The smell."
John, "I've never seen your brow furled like that.  It's furled horizontally and vertically.  It's a square. How are you even doing that? And your mouth is hanging open."
Me, "The smell."
John, "It's the kitty litter.  Oh, look they're judging over here."
Me, "The smell."
John, "You keep saying that.  C'mon."

The judging was riveting.  One lady was so anxious, she stood directly in front of me.  Really? We're one person deep here?  All the cats got three ribbons.  I didn't see them up close but I'm assuming they were the "Participation" Ribbon, the "Correct Number of Limbs" Ribbon and the "At Least I Got Mom Out of the House" Ribbon.  One of the cats in the second judging ring received a fourth ribbon; the "Best Use of a Neurological Disease" Ribbon.  I telling you, there was something wrong with that cat.  It's back half wasn't working quite right but no one else seemed to notice.

And none of the cats wanted to be there.  You just had to look at their faces to see it.  At least dogs are happy to be at the show.  If that Cornish Rex had thumbs, it would have killed the judge.  That's the difference between cats and dogs.  If cats had thumbs, they'd take over the world.  If dogs had thumbs, they'd play video games.

And the icing on the cake?  47 minutes of pussy jokes from John.

It's Halloween

And we all know what that means.....Christmas music in Target.
Really?

But anyway, I was having a little trouble with this year's costume.  I found this one sweater but I really wasn't sure of it so I started to ask John. As I was pulling it out of the shopping bag, I said, "so I don't think....." and John cut me off and said, "No one is going to know who you are.  Can you wear a sign?  Like across your chest, saying who you are?"

Of course I'll wear a sign.  As everyone knows, the best Halloween costumes are the ones that need signs explaining what they are.

But I didn't say that.  Instead I walked out of the room mumbling, "I don't know what I talk to you sometimes..."

John, "What?"

Me, "I DON'T KNOW WHY I TALK TO YOU SOMETIMES!"

So here it is, without the sign.  If you don't know who I am, then we don't need to be friends.

I'm a princess and this is my tiara!

Are you new here

So Sam is taking Art this semester and he came home from school yesterday with this beautiful brochure on Italy.  A seven day educational tour of all the hot spots:  The Sistine chapel, the Coliseum, David, St. Mark's Basilica...you name it.  It was all there.

Sam, "So?  What do you think?"
Me, "I'd love to go."
Sam, "MOM.  You're not going!"
Me, <snort> "Neither are you."

And I walked away chuckling to myself....

Barbie, You Saucy Little Minx

Coincidence or Not?

I looked up the movie Annabelle on-line because I was curious about how old Alfre Woodward was, and I saw that the actress who stars in the movie is named, wait for it, Annabelle.   Freaky!

Movie Madness

So I went to see Annabelle today on the spur of the moment.  One line movie review:  Scared the pants off me.  Really.  I had to plug my ears a few times.  Cause it's the soundtrack that gets you.  Movies aren't near as scary without the music.  Am I right?

So it was a good movie but here's my issue.  (spoilers)  The main character is a doll collector and has been looking for this doll for years to complete her set and the husband finds it and gives it to her as a present and when they move into their new apartment she puts it on a shelf with some other random dolls.  Not. With The Rest. Of. The. Set.  Wha...I...er....hu....WHO DOES THAT??  She's been looking to complete her set for years and she just throws them on different shelves around the room?  Talk about asking for trouble.  She's lucky I didn't come bursting into the apartment and move the doll.  Good lord...

And here's another thing, why is it that these possession/demonic movies always involve Catholics, or Atheists?  It's never a Lutheran.  You  never see a Methodist bursting into the middle of the potluck demanding to see Pastor Don. Right. Now.  I guess the demons don't want to stick around to play cards later.  Or maybe they're just not into casseroles.  Or maybe the demons just don't get the reaction they're looking for from those Presbyterians.  Head starts spinning around...everyone is quietly minding their own business...."Honey, don't stare.  It's rude."   Now that's a movie I want to see.

There are benefits to having 12 year old boys....

Sam showed me this.

What do you get when you google Find Chuck Norris?  The google search give you this:

Really wish I was Gone

Tom, "You know, you should really listen to Dad more.  Especially about not feeding vegetables to the dogs.
Me, "Thank you, Tom."
John, "Yeah, you should re..."
Me, "Shut up."

Movie Review

So John and I decided to go see Gone Girl.  It was 6:10 and there was a 6:50 showing at the theater closest to the house.  We were just about done with dinner so we hurried the boys through the final bites.  John and Sam were scurrying around loading the dishwasher and Tom was putting away the leftovers.  I mentioned giving the rest of the carrots to Abbey and things turned into a big debate about whether or not we should be giving vegetables to the dogs but I've been giving leftover veggies to Abbey for years, dogs love vegetables, well Alice doesn't but Abbey does, veggies are good for dogs,  and oh my god, why are we still talking about this, do whatever you want, we have to get going....

We arrived at the theater with plenty of time and the parking lot was awash of middle aged woman.  And 8 year old girls; "The Boxtrolls" was showing too.  We got in the ticket line behind three different groups of movie goers.  We usually use the ticket machines so this was a blast from the past and I was checking out the ticket seller's hair; this high school guy with dark hair that was bleached blond.  Well, blond and brassy blond and I was wondering how he got it that color because when I told my hair guy that I wanted to go blond, he told me no because it would all fall out before we got anywhere near blond and this kid's hair looked like it was almost as dark as mine and oh my god, this line is not moving at all, why have we not moved?  What the hell was going on up there, sell the tickets and move on, stop pushing the Regal Crown Cards, I really have to pee!!

Finally, it was show time. I had read the book a while ago and  I was curious how they were going to handle all of the book's diary entries.  I also wasn't sure how they would end it.  I was 95% sure I didn't like the book's ending.  I was leaving that last 5% open in case someone could spin it for me but no one had yet.  But as much as I didn't like the book's ending, I also don't like it when they "hollywood-ize" an ending and make the devil-in-prada redeemable or the nanny's Mrs. X realize the errors of her ways.  I was also in doubt about Ben Affleck in the lead.  He seemed to old to me. Anyway it was a really good book so I was looking forward to seeing the movie.

It turned out to be a great movie.  The casting was bang-on and the novelist was the screenwriter so the movie stuck true to the book.  The running length was somewhere around 2 and 1/2 hours but it really held your interest and didn't feel near that long.  John and I were walking out, discussing just these things when I got this text from Tom:

Well, hell.....now I want to be Gone

I don't like Mondays...

Tom, "I hate Thursdays."
Me, "That's new.  Why?"
Tom, "They just taunt you by not being Friday."

Don't you hate it when....

Everyone is sitting outside on the deck and you want to go inside but you're sitting in the lounge chair that your mother-in-law wants to sit it so you don't want to get up and give her the chair but you really want to go inside and you're even getting a little chilly and you're contemplating taking the chair inside with you but you're sure someone will notice and ask about it so you really don't know what to do....

Or is it just me?

You say tomato, I say tomato

This morning was the first day post surgery for mom.  When I walked into the kitchen, she was at the fridge getting breakfast.

Me, "Mom, why don't you sit down and I'll get that for you."
Mom, "that's okay, I've got it"
Me, "you're supposed to stay off your foot so go lay down and I'll do that."

She doesn't move.

Me, "MOM, you're supposed to stay off your foot."
Mom, "Well, I need to walk on it so it doesn't tighten up. That what they said."
Me, "Well, I remember them saying, several times, that you need to stay off it as much as possible.  I guess we interpreted the instructions differently."
Mom, <grumble grumble grumble>
Me, "GO LAY DOWN"

I missed my calling. I'm a freaking Florence Nightingale....

Just like a superhero duo...

So I'm up in Olympia this week because my mom was scheduled to have foot surgery.  The "procedure" was this morning and all went well.  By the time I met she in the recovery room, she hadn't eaten anything in something like 13 hours.  She was due for her first pain pill of the day but she needed something in her stomach first so the nurse asked if she'd like an Italian soda and she did.  As we were driving home, I asked if she wanted me to drive to the store to get syrup and soda so she could have Italian soda at home.

Mom, "Oh no, that's okay."
Me, "Remember what the nurse said? If you have trouble eating, the syrup will coat your stomach so the pain pills don't bother you."
Mom, "I never have trouble eating."
Me, "And I'm never bothered taking pain pills.  We're like the perfect couple!"

The terrorists have won....

Going through security at the Oakland Airport.  I'm in line for the scanner and a dad and his two small children are ready to go through the x-ray. The little girl is carrying her jacket.  I swear to god this is all true.

TSA Agent, "She needs to be wearing her jacket."
Dad, <to daughter> "Oh, honey, go put it on the conveyor belt."
TSA Agent, "No, she just needs to be wearing it."
Dad, <to daughter> "Throw it over your shoulder."
TSA Agent "She needs to be wearing it."
Dad, "What?"
TSA Agent, "She needs to be wearing it."
Dad, "The jacket?"

I was watching this exchange and I started laughing, out loud, causing the TSA Agent working the scanner to start throwing me nervous looks and finger his walkie-talkie.  Is she having a breakdown?  Should I get the taser?

Then the line ground to a complete halt when the next lady's hugely overweight "service" dog plopped down on it's back-end and refused to go through the x-ray machine.  She picked up her cane to tug on the leash. He wasn't having any of it. She's starting to sweat. Which begs that question, how much help can you provide to your Service dog and still claim that he is there to help you?  I was crying.

I gotta get a job at the airport

Homicide on Aisle 12

We finished up the wainscoting in the boys' bathroom and it looks great!

We went with wainscoting instead of beadboard because I had a vision.  (John hates that.)  I had a vision and did a little googling and decided that wainscoting would be easier.  In fact it would be far less work than beadboard.  Really.  So I explained my vision a couple of times and John stressed his desire to stick with beadboard a couple of times.  I kept at it, convinced that he would be swayed to my side once he fully understood my vision in detail and he kept playing dumb every time I brought it up, as if we hadn't already talked about it seven times, in hopes that I would give up.  The final discussion took place in the lumber aisle at Home Depot:

John, "So, why are we over here? Where's the beadboard?"
Me, "We're doing wainscoting."
John, "Wait? Since when? I thought we were doing beadboard?"
Me, "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS A TH...."
John, "Hey, relax.  Why are you getting so worked up?"
Me, "DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX.  I DON'T NEED TO RELAX! Y..."
John, "Okay, okay. explain it to me again."
Me, "OH MY GOD! DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. YOU'RE GIVING ME THAT LOOK LIKE I'M SOM....'

Now people are walking by staring at me.  Like I'm the crazy person.

So I explained my vision again and he finally relented.  Now all we needed to do was get the boards cut to size and get the hell out of there.  I had the measurements but John wanted to use the smaller 2' x 4' boards and I wanted to use the bigger 4' x 4' boards because it will mean fewer cuts but he wasn't following my math so I kept explaining it louder and louder but it didn't seem to be helping.  And people kept walking by, judging us.

We finally made it back to the big band saw or whatever the hell it's called and the nice HD guy was there to make the cuts for us.  He just needed the measurements.  So he stood there with the saw running, and John was telling him how much needed to be cut off and I was telling him how much needed to stay so we were literally coming at the problem from opposite directions and after we'd both shouted a couple of numbers, John started shouting, "Omaha, Omaha" until the guy finally turned the saw off.  I guess he assumed that we were shouting over the noise.  He clearly wasn't married.

We needed four pieces of board.  We came home with six but it all worked out in the end.

before

step 1

step 2

step 3

step 4

 So Ta-da! Wainscoting.  And you can't even see the blood.

Book Club Recommendation

Found a great new book!

She's Everywhere....

Me:  You know, I'm going to Grandma's next week, right? So I made some spreadsheets...."

Tom: Even when she's gone, she's UNESCAPABLE!!!"

Only in California....

....Apparently, Trees cause Cancer

Home Improvement is Difficult

So I went to the hardware store this morning to get new outlets for the boys' bathroom.  The ones that are in there now are dead and replacing the old ones with new ones if Step 6 in our repair process before calling an electrician. The steps go something like this:

step 1 - swear
step 2 - check the circuit breaker
step 3 - swear some more
step 4 - plug in various other times to see if anything else works because maybe it's just the hairdryer even though the hair dryer works just fine in my bathroom
step 5 - swear more intently

So I'm at the hardware store and they've got all their Halloween decorations on display including this amazing skeleton that's as tall as I am.  Who could resist?  Not me.  And I knew it was extremely awesome because Alice absolutely refused to walk next to it.  Major selling feature.  When I got home, I walked it straight into Sam's room and tucked it into his bed.

I can't wait for school to get out....

6 hours later.......

We get home from school and I decide to switch out the outlets because the boys' bathroom is right next to Sam's room and I'll be Johnny-on-the-spot when he discovers the skeleton.  They head into the kitchen for a snack.  Since the outlets aren't working there's really no way to tell which circuit breaker to throw so I throw all the 15's.  Half the house goes dark.  Sam's room is pitch black so there's no way he's going in there until the power is turned on.  Bummer, but at least I can get the outlets switched out.

As is par with this stupid bathroom the simple task of replacing the outlets is a total bear.  The wires won't come out and I have to yank on them for about 1000x's longer than should be necessary.  When I finally get them out and reach for the new outlet, I realize I've bought the wrong ones.  The old outlets have two sockets which I don't get because you can't plug two things into the bathroom sockets because once you plug in the hair dryer nothing else fits.  Am I right?   So I thought I'd be clever and buy new ones that have one socket and a built in nightlight.  No more stubbed toes in the middle of the night.  I'm a freaking genius.  But, oh no, the clever outlet is wired differently than the old outlets.  Shit.  Now I have to drive to the hardware store and get different outlets. Now the chances of the boys accidentally turning on all the circuit breakers in the dark laundry room and shocking themselves on the exposed wires in the dark bathroom while that entire half of the house is pitch black is quite slim but I wanted to be careful so I yelled, "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING" and took off out the door.

On my return to the house, Sam was standing in the front yard, holding a big stick, and glaring.  After I pull the car into the driveway and climbed out, I asked, "What???"  Sam replies, "THERE'S A SKELETON IN MY BED AND I NEEDED A PENCIL SHARPENER SO TOM WENT INTO MY ROOM TO LOOK FOR ONE AND HE SAW THE SKELETON AND SCREAMED AND THEN STARTED CRYING AND NOW HE'S HOLDING A KNIFE AND WON'T PUT IT DOWN!"

Well, shit.  I put it in Sam's room for a reason.  Tom doesn't like jokes like that.

Me, "I wasn't trying to scare him, I was trying to scare you."
Sam, "WELL I DON'T APPRECIATE IT EITHER!"
Me, "Is that why you're holding a big stick?"
Sam, "IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!"

No, it's not funny.  Because I missed the whole thing!

But on a more positive note, Prof. Sawbones is a big hit.

Bring me a beer, dammit!

I don't, generally, like car-sticker families....

but this one I can get behind!

Don't you just hate it when.....

You're reading a book and suddenly a plot twist clicks in your mind and you're so proud of yourself for figuring it out because you truly are a literary genius but then the more you think about it the more you realize that it was totally obvious and you should have figured it out about 30 pages earlier and someone should revoke your library card for being such a moron?

Or is it just me?

I love Slug Bug

It's the only socially except able way to punch your kids.

Went to Monterey Yesterday

Back to School

So the boys started school on Monday and I spent the day doing nooooothinggggggg.  Not everyone has the stamina for that but whenever I felt the need to get up, I just dug my heels in....well, snuggled my tush deeper into the couch cushions and reached for the remote.  It's all about concentration, really, and never forgetting that you're doing this for all the people who can't do it for themselves.  So with remote in hand and NetFlix streaming,  I got through most of the first season of a BBC crime drama that I'd never even heard of.  It was a beautiful thing.

On Tuesday, I dropped the boys off and heading back home for chapter two of my Slacker marathon. I queued up the final episodes and knocked off season one.  By late morning,  I really needed to get out of the house.  My feet were falling asleep from my reclined position.  So I loaded up the dogs and drove to the park.  I pulled into a lovely spot in the shade and parked the car.  Then I realized that the dogs' leashes weren't in the car.

The leashes are typically kept in my car because Abbey and Alice are my little shop-girls and they run errands with me.  Until recently,  now Abbey tends to stay home and catch up on her nap time while Alice is out of the house.  I keep the leashes in my car in case I decide to take the dogs into the hardware store with me.  Hardware stores really need dogs, don't you think?  They call out for them.  Like bookstores.  Anyway, there I was at the park; two dogs and zero leashes.

So what were my options?  I could drive back to the house and get the leashes but the couch is in the house so that could be a problem.  Or I could take the dogs into the park without leashes but it was a park-park not a dog-park so it wasn't fenced.  That wouldn't have been a problem if I only had Abbey with me because Abbey's a good dog and stays by me and comes when she's called.  Alice isn't and doesn't.  I guess I could have carried Alice but damn if I was going to be that lady carrying her dog through the park.  And as I was sitting there weighing my options, I fell asleep.  In the parking lot.  Like a hobo.  A hobo with a car.  The dogs and I slept in the parking lot of the park for a good 30 minutes.  Well, I assume the dogs were sleeping too.  They could have sat there, guarding me but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say they fell asleep too.  Then we woke up and drove home. Another successful day.

So believe it when you hear that starting a new school year is exhausting for the whole family.  I'm living proof.

Look how far we've come

I found this picture on my phone.  I took it at the Woodland Park Zoo last month during our trip to Seattle.

It's a little stone lion.  No big deal, right?  Right.  Except as we walked past it on our way back to the car,  I was struck by this flashback.  The last time that the boys and I were at the zoo, before we moved to Arizona, was with the Twins Group.  It must have been towards the end of the summer of 2006.  So we were all strolling around and when we were walking past this statue, one of the moms, Megan, stopped to take a picture of her boys next to it.  Now Megan was the one, and there's one in every group, who was the first to have the latest and greatest techie stuff.  So she stood there and took a picture of her boys with her phone.  Her phone.  And we were all gawking at her and thinking, "That'll never last."  And we chuckled and wandered off to look at the elephants.  Ha Ha Ha, who takes pictures with their phone??  I mean really.....It was crazy......

Like when Eva was telling us how they rent movies through the mail and when they've finished with them, they just mail them back.  Whaaaaaa????

It Came From BEYOND the Shower!

So I decided to replace the shower head in the boy's bathroom.  We're not redoing the entire shower but shower heads are easy.  You just unscrew the old one and screw the new one on, right?  WRONG.  Not when the old head is 25 years old.  No, no, no. Shower head technology has advanced in leaps and bounds since the 80's.  I'm sure it was an integral part of the whole mars rover program.

The old shower head doesn't screw off so I thought I was out of luck until I discovered the Universal Shower Arm Replacement!!  With this bad boy,  you can replace that nasty old shower head.  AND, if you get the long twisty "s" shaped one, you can raise the height of the shower head so people over 5' 2" can actually stand under it.  Bonus!

So, here's our shower surround:

I should have taken a picture that shows the tub as well.
Then you could marvel in the fact that they installed a white tub and a off-white surround.
("They can't possibly All have good taste and a sense of humor", name the movie.)

And here's the shower head that doesn't screw off.  But that's okay because there are treads at the neck so we can attach our Universal Shower Arm Replacement!

And here's what you see when you slide off the wall cap.  The arm unscrews BEHIND THE SHOWER SURROUND. WTF!

And look closely because that greenish stuff sticking out of the hole....that's WALLPAPER.  WALLPAPER.  THEY WALLPAPERED BEHIND THE SHOWER SURROUND!  

This entire house is wrapped in wallpaper.  It's like the Blob, only teal and beige.  One night it's going to come curling out of the vents and drains.  Silently wrapping us up in it's sticky glue, turning us into mindless drones.  Don't crawl under the house!  Don't go up in the attic!  Grab the dogs and run! 

If I have to call the plumber back, I'm gonna be pissed.

(answer: When Harry Met Sally)

Shoulda called this guy...

I would have gladly paid him $189/hour

I wonder if they make an action figure....

After years of searching....

We went to the San Jose Super Toy, Comic Book and Collectible Show last weekend.  Cindy Williams was there.  Not bad, but not nearly as good as meeting Buck Rogers at the Phoenix Comic Con.  Gil is still a fine looking gentleman, I'll have you know.  Anyway, I was on a mission to find Green Lantern to complete my Justice League of America set.  After combing through most of the rows, I found him in a side booth, nestled amongst the Transformers and Star Wars toys, with only two of his JLA brethren at his side.  Aquaman and the Atom, I think.  Not sure 'cause I only had eyes for Green Lantern.

I even bartered the price down.  And by 'bartered' I mean snatched up the box and started frantically searching through my pockets and bag looking for the loose cash that I had shoved in some pocket after paying the entry fee for the show.  John and the boys wandered off when I started emptying the contents of my purse onto the vendors display table.  "I've got it somewhere....I've got it somewhere...Hey, John?... John?....Crap....I'll find it....Just a minute....John?"  The guy finally took pity on me and gave it to me for $5 off.  I left the booth clutching the box to my chest as if some random 10 year old might try to take it from me.  I'm one cool customer, let me tell you.

I wanted until we got in the car before taking him out of the box.  They get all squirrely when you take things out of the box.  I don't get it.  They claim to be pop-culture aficionados but Toy Story was completely lost on them.   Sure they keep their comics in clear plastic covers but they still read them.

So now I have the set.

And it only took 9 years.

And to think I almost gave up the search and spent my money on the Funko Over-Sized Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Pop Action Figure.  Now that would have been silly.

Is that Yen?

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Zero Dark Thirty

So our flight home from Seattle left at 6:20 am.  That's in the morning.  We woke up around 4:00, left the hotel, turned in the rental car, caught the shuttle to the airport and went to check in for our flight.  We got to the airport around 4:45ish.  Most of that time was spent trying to get out of bed.

We were flying Alaska Airlines which has its hub in Seattle so there were approximately 150 kiosks for checking in.  Most were empty but we went to the first class/mvp area because John travels a lot and has status with several airlines.  He though we might get a couple of bags checked on for free at that counter so we gave it a shot.  We walked straight up to the counter and were immediately helped by a ticket agent that I can only assume was the Employee of the Year.

Agent, "May I help you?"
John, "Yes."
Agent, <words words> <taptaptaptaptaptap> <words>
John, <words>
Agent, <taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap>
John, <words>
Agent, <taptaptaptaptaptaptap....tap...taptaptaptaptaptap> <taptaptaptaptaptap> <taptaptaptaptaptap> <taptaptap.....tap....tap....tap....tappity..tappity.....tap....tap...taptaptaptaptaptaptap>

Me, to the kids, "You guys can go sit over there it you want."

Agent, <taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap...tap...tap...tap....taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap>
John, <staring>

Me, "I'm going to go sit over there too."

Agent, <taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap>
(I'm not shitting you here.)
<taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap>

John wanders over.
Me, "Any chance of actually getting plane tickets? I'm really not even concerned with destinations at this point."
John, "fuuuuuuuuuckk" and wanders back over to the counter.

Agent, <taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap>

After watching 1000 people pass through the MVP counter (okay maybe it was more like 15),  John finally came over with our tickets.  And I could have slept a half an hour longer.

Me, "what the fuck?"
John, "Well, it was a complicated since we were booked on three different reservations."
Me, "If that was the problem, we could have all checked in separately at one of those many many many kiosks."
John, "We saved $50 so it was worth it."
Me, "That's debatable."

John, "I didn't tell you about my conversation while I was getting our seat assignments. I got you three in row 15 and there was a spot for me in row 8.  Then she said, so you guys will be about 4 rows apart."

John, "Nope."

Hope she's not flying the plane.....

I don't even know what that means but I agree

T-Shirt from Tom and Sam's Camp

Woodlawn Park Zoo, part 2

And that, my friends, is a bat wearing the cone of shame.

Woodlawn park zoo

Huh?

You stupid, stupid human.

 "I can't believe we had to hang a sign."

The best part about air travel...

Getting all the way to the airport before realizing that your white dog has been sleeping on your black coat.  swell

That's my boy...

So we tried out this new pub.  Well, new to us; it's been there forever but anyway.  As we were walking out, John turned around and went back inside presumably because he forgot something on the table. This happens quite frequently.  The man seriously needs a purse.

Sam, "What did he forget?  His phone?  His glasses?  His dignity?"

Oh, how I've missed you....

So we're in Costco and Sam kept tweaking and fiddling with my upper arm.

Me, "Stop, what are you doing?!?"

Sam, "I want to Bingo Slap you."

Me, "What???"

Sam, "Bingo Slap...Bingo wings...."

Me, "What???"

Sam, "It's when someone is holding out their arm and you run by and slap the skin that hangs down and it wobbles all over."

Me, "You're walking home."

My week without the boys

Sent the boys up to my mom's last friday so I decided to tackle their bathroom.  It's circa 1989 and not in a good way.

Monday: Cleaned out the bathroom cabinet.  Lost count at 7 toothpaste tubes squeezed empty and thrown back into the cabinet. whhaa???  Maybe I should get a garbage can for their bathroom so they don't have to walk all the way across the house to use the one in the kitchen.  Oh, wait, there is a garbage can in their bathroom.  It's right next to the toilet.  My friend stopped by with her 4th grade daughter and her daughter's friend.  I asked the little girl, "What do you do when you empty your toothpaste tube?"  She said, "Uh...throw it in the garbage."  "RIGHT!"  Jeez...boys....

Tuesday: Painted the cabinet and put really cool contact paper on the drawers.  Saw this on Pinterest and it didn't involve a barn door so take note.

(Found faucets and as of sunday they are still in the boxes.  Bet they sit on the floor for the next month.)

I should quit now. Nothing's gonna top this.

Wednesday: Took down the nasty medicine cabinet and the massive mirror above the sinks.  John and I managed to the huge thing outside without breaking it or severing an artery.  Wow, even I'm impressed.  I should definitely stop now.

Started taking down the wallpaper.  It came off really easy.  Wait, nope, that's just the front. All the backing and glue are still on the wall.  shit.

Thursday: Still stripping wallpaper.  shit.  Pretty sure it was the first thing the builders did after the house was framed up.  It was behind the mirror, the light fixtures, the medicine cabinet, the bathroom cabinet..... it's everywhere....I see it I'm my dreams.

Friday:  Have the wallpaper off two walls.  Two.  But I was able to get one wall partially painted to decide if I could use the paint from the hallway or if new painted was needed.  I've been to the hardware store five times in four day so it looks fucking amazing.

Saturday: I hurt all over.  Bathroom is a freaking mess.  Out of time.  Basically spent the whole week making a mess and all I have to show for it is the above picture.  Well done, me.

Welcome Home, Boys!!

Are You Wearing Spanx?

John, "It's a COMPLIMENT!"

Me, "Not REALLY!"

And thus began the Great Debate of 2014.....

I'm gonna miss that kid

The boys are flying up to their grandma's house this morning for 10 days.  Yoohoo!  John was taking them to the airport so we were having our mock-dramatic good-byes in the driveway.

Me, "My babiiiies are leeeaaavinggggggg"
Tom, "I'm gonna miss you!  Promise you'll call and yell at me at least once!"

Green means Go, Always

So I was driving to the store yesterday.  Things were going well until I got behind a guy in a  gold Honda Accord who slowed down, almost to a stop, at a green light.  Green.  I had to honk at him twice before he sped up and drove through the still green light.  Then he did it again.

?????

Green means go.  Everybody knows that. They don't even teach it in Driver Ed because everyone already knows it.  It took my little backseat drivers until age 4 to figure that out Green means Go.  They'd sit back there in their car seats, roll their eyes and yell "GO-ooooo" to  the car in front of us.  Had this guy never played "Red Light, Green Light, 1-2-3"?  Didn't he have the Fisher Price Garage? Or Mario Kart?  Has he never been on a train?  Or crossed the street?  "Green means Go" is probably the only life lesson that has been seamlessly passed from generation to generation.  And it's the same in every country.  In. The. World.  You'll never end up in some seldom-visited archipelago and have to remember to Stop on Magenta and Go on the symbol for Boron.  In fact Europe wants us to change our exit signs because they're red and, you know what, they have a point.  So why we were having so much trouble driving to Target?

And all of this lead me to one undeniable conclusion, the guy in front of me, driving the gold Honda Accord, was an alien.

I'm calling Mulder.  The truth is in front of me.

It's so much clearer now....

So I came rushing home from the gym this morning to take the boys to camp.  When I walked in the door, the boys were dressed but not ready to go, naturally.  So I'm trying to hurry them along and Sam is following me around, hemming and hawing like he does when he has something to say but doesn't want to say it for whatever reason.  Finally I stopped and said, "Sam, spit it out!"

Sam, "ahhhh, it's Alice...."
Me, "Did she poop on the floor again?!"

Hearing her name, Alice came trotting over.

Sam, "uhhhh, no......uhhh.....she was.....<whispers>humping a pillow"
Me, <looking down at Alice> "That's nasty.  Now come on, we gotta go."
Alice <wagging tail>

Same, "No, Mom, she was..." and then he starts demonstrating for me.

Me, <trying desperately not to roll my eyes> "Yes, Sam, I know what humping is. Thank you."

It was like that scene in Parenthood, where Keanu Reeves is explaining Joaquin Phoenix's problem to Dianne Wiest.

Keanu, "See, he had his first boner..." Then he stops and says, "Do you know what a boner is?"
And Dianne deadpans, "If memory serves."

Here my life is imitating a Keanu Reeves movie and I'm Dianne Wiest.  That's just sad.

Serenity Now!

My friend, Deb and her family went up to Lake Tahoe for the Fourth of July weekend.  During the morning of the 5th, a small dog jumped into their van and wouldn't leave.  Probably scared off by the fireworks and then lost and confused.  They took him to the animal shelter.  He hadn't been reported missing, didn't have a collar and wasn't chipped.  They posted a "found dog" on several social media sites (there was a youngish person in the group.  I wouldn't have thought of that) and the shelter was alerted so they took the dog for the rest of the weekend, planning on returning his to the pound come Monday morning.  Their 9 year old had a great weekend with the pup and the rest of them rest the time coming up with names for him.  Max, Bradley, and Taco to name a few.

Monday morning came around and the owner had been found.  Happy reunion!  Deb sent a text letting us know that the little dog had jumped off a second story balcony during the fireworks and the pet sitter was unable to find him.  And, here's the kicker, the dog's real name was Courage.  Courage? Courage?  Not Moron or Gimpy?  Seriously he's lucky he didn't break a leg.

Me: That's a stupid name

(Not a popular text but, come on, can you just picture me outside screaming for Courage?)

Me: "Courage! Come!"
"Courage! Come NOW!"
"COURAGE!  Where are you, Courage!"
"No, Courage, NO. Bad Courage. Bad Bad Courage!"

Me: if Courage had been a girl, then Courage would be a bitch! HA!

I could get other dogs and be out there yelling:
"Optimism, Stop!"
"Oh no, Faith, jumped out the window!"
"Serenity, Now!

They stopped texting me at that point.  Too bad, I had a million more!

On a Lighter Note...

My new dolls showed up!

I Love Them!

Well, great, now I can't shop at Hobby Lobby

(warning, this is a rant)

Cause that's what I do.  I stage my own silent one-person social protest by not shopping at stores that have polices or practices that I disagree with.  And I was really looking forward to the new Hobby Lobby opening this summer because our JoAnn's is a looney bin and our Michael's is one of Dante's circles of hell.  (I'm not sure which one.)

Now Hobby Lobby and the Supreme Court have decided that the religious beliefs of the majority owners can dictate what is and is not covered by their company's insurance policy.  I realize there is a whole lot of legal mumbo-jumbo in the decision and we can split hairs for years to come but that's not the point.  It's not the language of the ruling or even issue in hand, that's the problem. It's the Precedent.  That's why the NRA takes such a hard and firm stance.  They don't care about one military grade assault rifle.  They care about the precedent.  Hell, half of them probably think that assault rifle should be banned but they can't afford to set the precedent because where does it end?

Sure it's only four types of birth control and there are other options out there.  (Oh, and by the way, none of these people are doctors.  It's about religion.  We're making medical decisions based on religion.)  None of this really effects me, does it?  What's the big deal?  I don't work there and I'm rather beyond the age of birth control concerns and my kids are boys so who cares?  Oh, but wait a minute....I take birth control pills because I need the extra hormones but that doesn't matter, they're still not covered.

And what happens when the religious beliefs of the next majority owned company involve birthing methods?  Maybe they believe child birth is woman's atonement for original sin so they're not going to cover epidurals.  What if they believe DNR's, or conversely, extreme methods are against God's will?  How many times has some family made the news because they try to deny their kid cancer treatment because it's against their religion.  Maybe your postpartum depression should be treated with vitamins and prayer.  Oh, that's just silly, you say?  Is it?  Can the privately held Millers/Coors start firing gay employees again based on their religious beliefs?

And the worst part of this specific issue is that the companies can pick and choose.  They'll cover the 16 forms of birth control they approve of but not the other 4.  That's not so bad, right?  You can get those 4 through other government programs.  Why are you people making such a big deal out of this?  Well, maybe next year your church doctrine decides 2 other methods are wrong.  And that seventh one is a little iffy too... How hard is it to argue that ALL forms of birth control prevent a fertilized egg from implanting on the uterine wall cause c'mon they all do and you protected my religious beliefs for the first 4 so how can you deny them now?

But, c'mon, you're just getting wound up here.  If it's that bad, it'll just get reversed.  Well, there are millions of people who have spent millions of dollars fighting Roe v Wade for decades.  Ask them how hard it is to reverse a Supreme Court decision.

Does this still not effect you??

And the rest of the Family is.....

John:

Sam:

And Tom:

What Would Your "Game of Thrones" Name Be?

Courtesy of BuzzFeed!!

name generator

Mine is:

We went to the county fair this weekend

And I can prove it:

Chicken

Of course, you do

huh?

Careful what you wish for....

So John was out of town earlier this week and I had this funny rash on my neck.  For the life of me I couldn't figure out how I got it but it was really kind of a mess and quite itchy on and off.  I tried to get sympathy from the boys but they really couldn't be bothered.

Me, <craning my neck to the side> "Can you see it?....It's really bothering me...."
Boys, "Huh? ..... What? ..... Can you move? ....... Can we play Xbox?"

Great.

Finally John got home and I was expecting a slightly better response from him.

Me, <craning my neck again>  "It's not red but it's really bumpy. Can you see it?"

John, <holding my chin for better lighting> "Yeah.  It's really noticeable in the folds and wrinkles of your neck."

And in the two seconds it took for my eyebrows to start scrunching up, he pulled my face into his chest and said, "Shh. Shh. That didn't happen. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh."

I don't understand marketing

Or maybe I do a little too much.

I am, however, a huge sucker for packaging.  If you wrap something up a in cute little box or slap on a funny label, I'm all over it but anyway.....

A few months ago my girlfriend, Tina, was telling me about the trials and tribulations of buying her daughter's first make-up set.  The girl had reached the agreed upon age so off they went to Nordstrom to purchase some nice basics.  As any teenager would, she had a pretty good idea of what she wanted and Tina approved, going so far as to say, "wow, these are really nice colors."  Then she looked at the names of the colors and everything changed to an "absolutely not".

I think I stumbled upon that product line today.  I ran into Nordstrom because I needed some eye makeup remover.  I have this awesome mascara that is not so much waterproof as it is permanent.  Before I put it on, I make sure I've got a few things lined up for the next couple of days.  Hmmm, tonight is Girl's Night so I'll put on some mascara, it'll still be there tomorrow night so I'll see if John wants to go out to dinner and maybe we'll go downtown during the day, sure I'll have to scrap off some raccoon eyes in the mornings but I don't want to be wasted this perfectly good mascara just sitting around the house...You know how it is.

So I bellied up to the makeup bar and asked for my eye makeup remover.  It was sold out so while they were scrambling around looking for something comparable, I was checking out the lipstick.  That, by the way, is the extent of my makeup drawer.  Mascara and 3 lipsticks. I found a pretty one  pink one and held up the sample,

Me, "Can I get this too?"

Clerk, "What's the name?"

Me, "Well.... I don't have my glasses....." <handing it to the clerk>

Clerk, "Oh, yes, 'Sex Machine' this is very popular"

Me, "Of course, 'Sex Machine'. Not a day goes by without someone shouting that my way."

Clerk, "We seem to be out of that one...."

Me, "Bummer, how about this one?"  <handing her another one>

Clerk, "Cat Fight, another big seller."

Me, "Naturally, because while the Dudes are shouting 'Sex Machine', their Bitches are thinking 'Cat Fight'. " I'm beginning to figure out the naming process here.

Clerk, "Nope, that one is sold out too."

I ended up leaving with 'Scandal'.  It seemed fitting after the 'Cat Fight'.  And 'Sexual Healing' was just far too pale.

I really wanted to check out the Eye Shadow names but the kids were waiting in the car.  Maybe next time.