Animal Husbandry

So I rented this National Geographic DVD for the boys.  It sounded really cool because they used 3D ultrasounds and computer imaging and showed how mammals develop in uteri.  The movie featured elephants, dogs and dolphins.  All very huggy, lovable mammals. No baby zebras getting eaten by crocodiles and no nasty bugs. The boys are totally into science things like that and it shows things like, how dolphins start to develop feet but then the feet are reabsorbed so scientists think they used to be land animals.   And you can see how the bones in their fins look like long fingers. Cool stuff, right?

So I pop in the DVD then dash out of the room to do something real quick.  I'm so excited about my movie that I've completely forgotten that National Geographic is the magazine that sent generations of preteen boys scurrying into their rooms to look at pictures of naked natives.  And they're not about to be upstaged by the YouTube generation.  I walked back into the family room to hear the narrator saying, "The male elephant is unable to physically penetrate the female so it sprays sperm around the vaginal opening."  Oh, good, I didn't miss the money shot.  WTF???

Now, let me first say that I was really proud of myself for not racing across to the dvd player screaming, "SSTTOOOPPPPPPPP!!!!!" I casually walked over to the couch and sat down.  I glanced over at my mom, who happened to be visiting.  (This kind of shit never happens when I'm alone.)  She's sitting there knitting, not missing a stitch, like this kind of shit happens everyday.  And I'm thinking, <okay, stay calm. they're 11. they're going to get "the movie" at the end of the school year before entering middle school so fine, they'll be a little familiar with the material.  it's kind of like studying ahead, right?>

So we get past the elephant fucking and move on to the cool interior graphics stuff.  And it was really awesome.  They think elephants used to be water mammals but evolved into land animals.  Sort of like the dolphin thing but in reverse.  And you could see it's tiny little truck starts off all short and squatty but get's longer.  Awesome science stuff.  They move onto dogs next.  Now I'm thinking, we've covered the whole penetration stuff so surely they'll just move on to the similar yet different fetal development of the dog.  right?

No such luck, cause you see, dogs do it differently than elephants and here's the video footage to prove it. <Holy shit>  I'm starting to break out in a sweat and Tom mutters, "that's awesome" And did you know that dolphins are the only other animal to have sex for pleasure? <oh sweet Jesus,  how long is this fucking movie?>  It's 90 seconds of hell followed by 20 minutes of cool science; rinse and repeat.

Well, the movie finally ends and the boys silently get up and go to bed.  I had to get myself a glass of wine and thank the lord that John was out of town.  I sat back down on the couch and my mom says, not looking up from her knitting, "Well, they don't know about Santa but they know about sex."  Thanks, mom.

(Oh, I did warn their teacher.  Dear Joni, I showed the boys animal porn last night. Not sure what they'll share with their classmates on the playground but best of luck with that.)

And I had rented another dvd that explained the cardio-pulmonary system.  I reread the dvd sleeve and it said something about "following a human female from birth to death".  I just sealed it up and mailed it back.  Now, I don't care how they kill the bitch but we're not watching how they bring her in.