Book Challenge - Not for the Faint of Heart

This is getting more challenging.  In the last two books that I have read; well, the last book and the current book; the characters each have two names.  Not two word names like Barbara Ann but two completely different names like Owen Quine and Bombyx.  The first book involved a bunch of characters and a manuscript containing their alter egos.  There were around 10 characters with 2 names each so I had to make a cheat sheet so I could keep them straight.

The book I'm currently reading takes place during and after World War II.  There are two British characters who are hiding out with German names and there are German characters with German names along with German military ranks and nicknames that the British dudes have given them.  That was during the war.  Now after the war, the German dudes are hiding out under different German names while referring back to their old German names.  And we all know how smoothly German names and ranks roll off the tongue.  Obersturmbannfuhrer Gerhart Peuckert . Fuck me.

Before my biggest problem with character names arose was when authors used names that were similar to each other.  Jillian Trilby and Julie Teasdale.  Really? For God's sake, this is FICTION.  Pick a different name.

I had to put the current book down because it looks liked one of our British characters, who was hiding out under a German name during the war, had just been giving different German name after the war.  Could we not have just killed him off?  I know he's center to the plot but I stopped caring about him 2 aliases ago.

And to make matters even worse, this is my "Book originally written in a different language" and the danish to english translation is a little sketchy at times.

I'm going to read a nice Dr. Seuss after this.

The story is set in an Insane Asylum.
And it's driving me nuts!

So I got yelled at by the Crossing Guard

There is a four way stop at the corner of the school that is controlled by a crossing guard. I was about to say 'volunteer' but for all I know, she's getting paid. Anyway... I go through it twice each morning, once to drop the boys off and another when I drive away.  This morning I was stopped at the intersection, waiting to make a right hand turn.  (If you live in California, you know that this means that I'm in the bike lane.  That's one of the questions that I missed on the Driver's Test.  When making a right hand turn, what do you NOT do? A, B, C, or D.  Well, it must be 'C' because you never drive in the bike lane.  It's a bike lane. Emphasis on Bike.  WRONG.)  So I'm stopped in the bike lane, waiting for three kids to cross the street.  The crossing guard is standing in the middle of the crosswalk, sporting her reflective vest, sign raised high in the air, whistle in mouth.  When the kids got past her and almost to the curb, my foot came off the brake slightly and the car slowly inched forward for about 2 seconds before I pressed back down on the brake.  The guard turned to me and hollered, "SSSTTTOOOOPPPP"  Now picture me sitting there,  it's 7:45 am, I'm stopped at the crosswalk, elbows on the steering wheel, chin in my hands, I think I was even yawning.  STOP? Stop, what? I was so confused for a split second, then I hollered back, "I KNOOOOOWWW" Good morning to you too. What did she think I was going to do? Make a right hand turn with my forehead? Talk about stupid human tricks....

And to think, not that long ago I was telling myself that I should bring her a Starbucks one morning since she's here everyday, twice a day, even the 3 days that it rained.  Well, you can kiss that latte good-bye, Sister.

"Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this."

We've got Spirit, Yes We Do!

So every Friday is spirit day at the boys' middle school.  If they don't have a specific day like Super Hero Day or Crazy Sock Day, then it's a color.  Yellow Day or Pink Day.  Last week it was Blue Day.  As I was dropping the boys off in the morning, a gaggle of girls walked past the car wearing blue t-shirts, blue tights and blue tutus that didn't cover their butts.  It looked like Pedophile Day.

Now I don't have girls so I don't have to deal with any of that stuff but when, exactly, did it become okay to not wear pants??

You're really not helping...

Me, "Wow, look at the size of this bug bite on my shoulder!"
Sam, "Where? Let me see."
Me, "I think it's a spider bite. I was re-shelving books back in the nonfiction section. Some of those books haven't been touched in years."
Sam, "I think it's from a botfly."
Me, "I've found spiders before."
Sam, "It's a botfly"
Tom, "It's not a botfly!"
Me, "What's a botfly?"
Sam, "A botfly. They lay their eggs inside you." <he starts feeling around the bite> "See how it's hard underneath? That will start moving around as the larva grows."
Tom, "Botflies are native to Africa.  It's not a botfly."
Sam, "Well, Ebola is native to Africa and it's in the U.S."
Tom, "That's true.......Don't worry, Mom. They don't harm the host. Except for the hole the larva leaves when it chews its way out."

As they were arguing about botfly behavior, I walked out of the room.
They didn't even notice.

I blame MTV

I am so tired of people spewing off sound-bites and acting like that makes them educated on a topic.

John and I took a breastfeeding class before the boys were born.  (The boys were born in Seattle which is full of Breast Nazis.  Oh, no, you can't say a word or even look sideways at someone breastfeeding in public but as soon as they take out a bottle, watch out.  You can say whatever the fuck you want. Anyway...) (And, yes, this was a very long time ago but I'm telling you anyway. ) We were told to bring a doll or stuffed animal on which to practice.  That should have been a red flag. You can't practice breastfeeding on an inanimate object.  They should have told us to bring a pet.  Anyway, as the nurse was standing up there expounding on the importance of breastfeeding, and John and I were making fun of the people sitting around us, this supposedly educated nurse said, "A study has shown that 80% of women breastfeed." and she wrote it on the blackboard. That got my attention, because c'mon, 80% of people can't agree on anything.  80% of women couldn't agree on Team Edward or Team Jacob.  When I got home I looked up the study.  It showed that 80% of women breastfeed while in the hospital.  Average hospital stay in the US? One day.  80% of women breastfeed for one day.  I'm not impressed. Let's double it.  80% of women breastfeed for 2 days.  Nope, that's still not doing anything for me.  You could go two days without eating.  80% of women don't eat.  C'mon, ladies, we're better than that.

What is really hacking me off these days is 'side effects'.  A acquaintance/friend of mine was having a medical issue.  A minor one that I felt totally qualified to armchair quarterback and I said, "You should go to your doctor, she could give you something for that."  She responded "Oh, those pills aren't good because they make you wander around in a daze."  Really?  Well, firstly, you're doing that already. Secondly, that is a possible side effect that some people in the trial experienced.  It's not guaranteed.  Wouldn't it be great if that 'loss of appetite' side effect was guaranteed? Who wouldn't take that drug?

When I started taking my new anti-depressants, something odd was happening which I can't even remember now so it must have stopped, but I asked my doctor if it could be caused by the new drug.  She pulled up the list of side effects and started rattling them off.  When she got to 'weird dreams', we both started laughing.  She reminded me that, "They have to put down everything that anyone experienced.  Every if it was only one person."  And that is what they do so they don't get sued by some moron who claims the drug gave her weird dreams that were causing her emotional distress which will make the news and then everyone will say, "Oh don't take that. It's bad." without knowing what the fuck they're talking about. Weird Dreams?  What does that even mean?  I had this dream once that Orlando Bloom really wanted me.  Was it weird? Yes. Am I complaining? No. No, sir, I am not. In fact if you could guarantee that weird dream, I'd chew those drugs like candy.  Then I would sue if the dreams stop.  The next headline you read will be "No. Cal Woman wins lawsuit against Big Pharma because Bloomimex stop working"

I won't even bother telling you about the dumb ass argument I got into with a PTA chair who read the title of an article and wanted to implement a program based on it.  Buuut, that's not even what the study showed.  But it all fell on deaf ears because, oh no, it's been proven.  God, and her program was ridiculous too but whatever.  I'm rambling....

....so.....what was my point here?......Oh, if you haven't read the entire article, shut up.

It's Beeeautiful!

The boys had another orthodontist appointment so, naturally, I was in a bad mood.  John, looking to cheer me up, said he'd take me to the mall and get me something pretty.

Ray, when someone asks if you're a god, you say yes!

Boys are Gross

So, Sam came home from school and announced, "I think I have bedbugs."
Me, "What?"
Then he proceeded to show me a bunch of red spots all over his arms.
Me, "Huh......Are they anywhere else?"
He lifted his shirt and, sure enough, they were on his stomach and back.
Me, "Drop trou."
Sam, "What?"
Me, "Drop trou. Drop your pants. I want to see if they're on your legs."
(Sam's favorite expression quickly be came 'drop trou'. Luckily he forgot about it just as quickly because, name one situation where a 13 year old boy saying 'drop trou' is not inappropriate. Go one, name one.)
Yep, they're on his legs too.
Well, hell.

So I did what any mother would do in the same situation and googled bedbugs.  First thing I learned was that they are way bigger than I thought. Like the size of ticks. Well, hell, that's big enough to notice.  You'd certainly notice something that big, right? Secondly, the bites take a few days to show up so I quickly decided he got them at the house we rented the weekend before, despite the fact that both boys slept in the same bed but only Sam had spots.  I based this conclusion on the fact that bedbugs in someone else's house is much better than bedbugs in my house. Thirdly, I started itching.  Tom, who was googling bedbugs too, informed us, "It says here that the involuntary scratching you develop while talking about bugs is psychological. That's interesting."  Me, "Yeah, I know that." <scratch> <scratch>

Me, "Okay, let's wash your sheets." Sam and I walked into his room and stripped the bottom bunk of his bunk beds.  We threw all the sheets into the washer and set it to run on the Scalding Hot setting.  Then we threw his pillows and quilt in the dryer, again set to run on super hot for 40 minutes.  Google said 30 minutes so 40 must be better, right? Right.  Then we walked back into his bedroom and both stared at the top bunk.  Sam, "Shouldn't we wash those too?"  Me, "Umm....let's start with the bottom.....I'm pretty sure you got the bites at the house in Monterrey." Besides, all the websites said that bedbugs are next to impossible to get rid of on your own so just call an exterminator; and if they're in one room then they're everywhere. Then I start scratching my arm again.  Tom, walks in "You know, that's psychological."  Me, "Yeah, thanks."

Back to the computer for more googling.  Me, "Hey, it says they leave bit marks in a very distinctive rows.  Yours aren't in rows, so that's a good sign." Sam pulled up his shirt and showed me bites across his stomach that appeared to kinda be in rows.  Me, "Well.....I guess those few look like rows but the rest don't" A few minutes later, "They're supposed to itch. Do yours itch?"  Sam said, "kinda" and started getting upset. Sam, "I'm getting grossed out. Why did you say it was bedbugs? "Me, "I didn't say it was bedbugs! You said it was bedbugs! I would have said it was something you ate!" I started vigorously scratching the side of my head.  Me, "I need to stop talking about this for now."  Tom, "That's scratching is psychological." Me, "YES! I know."

A few minutes later I got back on the computer. Apparently you're supposed to wrap the mattresses in plastic for 6 months.  Oh, that's convenient.  Bedbugs can also hide in the headboard but the websites  don't specify fabric headboards. Why don't any of the website say that you're safe with wooden headboards? Not even one. They hide in wooden furniture? How?  And, wait, you have to fill in all the cracks in your walls because bedbugs can flatten themselves to width of a credit card and hide in your walls?? Well, what if you live on a major fault line and cracks just happen from time to time but you don't really care because one day the 'big one' will hit and then you'll be sitting on water front property?  HUH? WHAT THEN?? And I noticed that my arm was halfway down the back of my shirt madly scratching.  Tom, "You know, that's psychological."  Me, "YES, TOM. I KNOW."  I set the computer down and walked away to stare at Sam's bed again.

About this time, John texted.  <how's it going?>
Me, <Sam has bedbugs>
John, <WHAT? From our HOUSE?>
Me, <Oh god, no.  Definitely from the house in Monterrey>
John, <You sure?>
Me, <Either that or we have to move>

The spots were gone a day later.  Me, "See, I told you it wasn't bedbugs."