Charlie's Angels

Well, at least my version of them

Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler, and Penny

Which Disney Villain are you?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/which-disney-villain-are-you


I got:
Maleficent

You are the Mistress of all evil, with all the powers of HELL!!!!

I rest my case.....

Finally, a use for that old pickup truck:

Thank you, Pinterest

I love Pinterest

But I totally hate it.

I have found and pinned so many fantastically amazing projects that I desperately need neeeeeed NEED to do but I can't and you know why? Because where in the hell do you find old doors?  or a cast iron bathtub?  Or or or what I really need is an old fashioned metal spring mattress.  How am I going to make my awesomely funky flower trellis without an old fashioned metal spring mattress?  I'll tell you how, I'm not!  Sure grandma had a couple in her attic 35 years ago but I didn't need them when I was 11.  I need them noooooow.   Do all these people live in rural Iowa?  Where in the hell do you find an old barn door?  Who stumbles across old french solid wood fleur-de-lys appliqués.  What exactly is missing in my life that is preventing me from finding a drawer full of vintage hand painted drawer pulls?  I blame my relatives.  Clearly they were too busy holding onto pots and pans, and sensible furniture that would last through the depression.  And those creepy old sepia photographs not the iconic ones of grandpa liberating Paris.  What were they thinking?  Tossing out all that bric-a-brac that I could be turning into one of a kind novelty items to sell on Etsy. They probably sold all the old silver to buy food and seeds and shit.  When my kids leave for college, I'm going to give them each a jar of buttons.  They'll thank me later.

OH, you know what I really need? Someone to show me what to do with the horrid brass mirrored closet doors in my bedroom.  Show me how to turn those fuckers into a shabby chic masterpiece that my neighbors will covet then I'll be impressed.  Hell, I had to pay someone to haul off the last set.

And how in the hell do you cut the tops or bottoms off of wine bottoms without it involving a trip to the emergency room?  John would come home to find me ankle deep in broken glass and bleeding from an arterial wound.  Then he'd have me committed.

And I could finally get some rest...

And the gooood meds.....

Everything happens for a Reason

So I've had a few people ask me how we came up with the name Alice for our new dog and when I tell them, they kinda give me an odd look.  When we adopted her, she had the temporary name of "Sissy" but we knew that had to go.  Way too "Family Affair".   After hanging with her for awhile, the first name that popped into my head was Alice.  John liked it too; so, boom, she's Alice.  Then, come monday morning,  I got to the gym, turned on my Kindle and, low and behold, the book that I was reading had a character in it named Alice.  Huh....  Well, look at that....  I named my dog after Theodore Roosevelt's oldest daughter.  Who was a bit of a trouble maker.  So it totally fits.

Stupid Animal Tricks

As you may know, we've been having a tough time house training Alice.  Last week, things reached a head.  Wednesday morning the dogs woke me up at 5:00 am.  Abbey needed to go out.  Probably because she spent all day eating raw hides, and she doesn't even like raw hides.  She just ate them because Alice was chewing on them and she certainly wasn't going to be left out.  (Our house is covered in raw hides so Alice doesn't chew on every other thing in the house.)  So Abbey has to poop and it was 5:00 am.  I tried to ignore her but by 5:30 she really wanted out.  Really.  So I got up let her out.  Luckily for us we have an outside door in our bedroom so I don't have to stumble far.  5 minutes later she's back in the room and we're both trying to get back to sleep when Alice starts whining.  And whining.  And whining.  Oh, sweet Jesus...and I'm out of bed again.  Get dressed, get Alice and we walk outside.  She pees.  She poops.  She's a good girl.  Back in the house.  As I'm taking off my shoes, Alice trots into the bathroom and poops on the floor.  Motherf(*&*(&  We were juuuuuust outsiiiiiiiiide. WTF.  I mean WTF!!  So I took her into the family room, threw her in the crate and fired off a text to John.  (He was in France so I couldn't even call him to share in my misery.)

It had been 6 weeks.  6 WEEKS and we'd made NO headway.  Clearly she was broken.

I managed to fall asleep for another hour then woke up to get the kids ready for school.  Took her out a couple more times after she was fed than sat down at the table to have coffee.  Alice walked over and peed on the floor next to me.  Oh. Oh, no.  No, she did NOT just do that.  Not possible.

And another text to John:

Dog is BROKEN.

And I wrote a beautifully worded email to the rescue organization explaining the problems we were having, asking for some input from the foster parent and finishing up by stating that this may not be a good fit.  It was a work of art; especially considering that I had been up since 5:00 am and was piiiiiiissed off.  Calm, cool, collected.  That's me.  

Few days went by; no word from the rescue org.  No incidents in the house.  John came home from France with a bottle of wine and cheese from Duty Free.  Life is looking good.  

Few more days pass by and I was talking with my friend, Tina, and she said, "well, maybe she just needed some time to adjust."  Plausible.  Sure. Totally plausible.  But we had had 6 weeks of problems and then suddenly she straightened up in one day?  Really?  Sure, she may have finally "adjusted" but I think the bitch can read.

And that is why the Terrorists Hate Us

Received this email from the Middle School Principal.

Parents...

Happy Friday!  I wanted to send this email to you in hopes that you will support a concern that I keep having on Fridays during our lunches.

You may not be familiar with the term, but a group of girls introduced some new vocabulary to me recently that seems to be catching on with our student body..."Fatty Fridays!"

Now please don't get me wrong...in my day to day actions as a school administrator, there are many issues that I need to deal with.  This concern is only a small one of many, but one I wanted to address nonetheless.

For a few months now...on Fridays, we have noticed an increase in food parties.  Allow me to describe... One student brings multiple 2-litres of soda, another has their parents bring a couple of pizzas from Costco, another brings candy and another doughnuts, ice cream, bags of Doritos, etc.  Though in the spirit of collaboration and working together I can appreciate the orchestration and effort, the gluttony that these students share as they sit in the lunch room in front of their peers is not a positive one.  We have dealt with multiple party crashers who beg for some soda or a piece of pizza... or just take what does not belong to them.  It is also becoming difficult for the front office staff to collect what parents are dropping off and making sure they are distributed to the right students.  This goes above their job responsibilities.  Please note that after this 31 minute eating binge, the students need to go back to the second half of their academic day ready to focus on learning, not in a sugar frenzy.

I am asking that you not support these parties anymore and refrain from dropping things off in the front office of this nature.  In the spirit of what we try to support in the way of health and wellness on this campus, these "Fat Friday" food parties work to that detriment of such philosophies.

I understand and appreciate the parent that drops off a cheeseburger on their child's birthday, but those occasions are different when compared to the food parties I describe above.  Please don't mistake this email as a lecture on what students should and should not be eating.  It is merely information and a request I share with you that allows us to work together to support students and their learning.  Thank you.

Have a nice weekend..

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to start.....

Open Letter to Manufacturers and Retailers

Stop putting your labels on the glass!  Stop, stop, stop.  Just stop.  I like your product.  I'm willing to trade my money for your product.  But I'm soooooo tired of ending up with this....

STOP IT.

I don't even want to return it.  I want to drive it to your office and throw it at your door.

I am willing to pay an extra quarter if that means you will use a sticker that can actually be pealed off.    Or better yet, hire a woman.  The first thing she'll tell you is, "STOP PUTTING STICKERS ON THE GLASS!"

ok, I feel a little better.  Now I'm going to go smear peanut butter on it and see it that works...

Say it with me, "first world problems"

Text from John - Who's does this?

So I woke up to this:

In case you can't see what's in the picture, I've enlarged it below:

And later that night:

Randomness

I was cleaning out the notes in my phone and found a bunch of silly things the kids said.  I jotted them down so I wouldn't forget them and then proceeded to forget them.  Until now....

***

During one of my mom's visits:
Sam, "I call shotgun!"

Me, "Grandma's in shotgun."

Sam, "Grandma calls shotgun. I call AK47."

Clever.

***

Tom, "Mom, what are you doing?"

Me, "I'm in the kitchen, eating pie."

Tom, "Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer"

***

Walking around Monterey, looking for a place to have dinner.  Sam nudged John and pointed, "Mom will like that place.  They have cocktails."

***

Visiting some old church on one of our trips:
Tom walked over to the holy water font, looked in and nodded to himself.  Then said, "Well, no vampires here."

***

During their birthday party, Tom ran over to me, slightly out of breath and said, "I've used up all my awesomeness.  I need a recharge."

Flying the Friendly Skies

During a layover in Detroit, this announcement came over the p.a. system.

"Regarding flight 793 that just arrived from Tulsa, if you forgot your shirt and belt, please return to the gate."

Party plane from Tulsa.

This Cracked Me Up!!

Battle of the Church Signs

Daily Riddles

Answer: Alice

My Evil Non-Plan is Working

So I've been slowly changing the look of our bedroom.  It started with a new quilt then came new sheets then new bedside tables but what I really want is a new rug.  Our rug is perfectly final but now it is the wrong color.  But rugs are expensive so what's a girl to do?

Well, lo and behold, we got a new dog.  A new dog that is turning out to be a challenge and this week, in a wave of frustration, I decided "That's it! All the rugs are gone!"  I threw the all 3 bath rugs over the side of the shower; "Why, in god's name, do we have so many rugs in the bathroom?!?"  And I moved the bedroom rug into sunroom.  I was sick to god of cleaning them over and over again.  The final straw was waking up to Abbey throwing up on one of them.  Great, now we broke the good dog.  John was out of town so Sam helped me move the rug into the sunroom and roll it out.  I almost left it rolled up against the slider but after looking at Alice, I realized this could take awhile so might as well roll it out and use it.  

John got back yesterday.  This morning he came out into the sunroom and sat down.  After a few minutes he said, "I really like having a rug out here.  We should get a new one for the bedroom."

Muahahhahaha

(good dog, alice)

Give me your tired, your sick.....

So my friend Tina is leaving today; moving up to the Seattle area.  Yesterday she emptied her fridge and freezer, and brought everything over.  Fish Sticks for Dinner!! Woot-Woo

I also got her plants...