So John, the boys and I were watching The Treehouse Master or something like that. Some woman in rural New York wanted a tree house. Her house was falling down around her but she really needed an $80,000 tree house as a 'spiritual retreat'. You know how it is... But the tree the Master chose was not the tree she wanted and she was really concerned about it's 'energy' so she called Linda the Urban Shaman. I'm not making this up. Sam, "What's a shaman?" Me, "It's someone who takes money from crazy people." John, "Jennifer!" Me, "Oh, sorry"
So Linda the Urban Shaman showed up. Made a circle of rocks and sticks, banged a drum and shook some burning herbs around and cleansed the tree. (And cashed a big check, I'm sure) Rich crazy lady was thrilled and the tree house was built.
And now I'm thinking......shit, I could do that.......there must be a need for a shaman around here.....a Suburban Shaman....there are certainly plenty of crazy rich ladies......I think I'm on to something here...
Does your house leave you with a feeling of sluggishness and failure? That's not your fault! Call Jennifer the Suburban Shaman! I'll show up with a case of Chardonnay, some microwave popcorn and the When Harry Met Sally DVD. As I leave I will subtly leave the number for my house cleaner on your coffee table. Shhhh... It's all gonna be okay...
Things in the bedroom not what they used to be? Does he just not look at you with the same longing? Call Jennifer the Suburban Shaman! I'll sprinkle barbecue Doritos around your bedroom. Leave a bottle of tequila on the nightstand along with a bucket of wings and a some skanky red lingerie from Marshall's. For an extra $5000, I'll take your kids for the night. Let the lovin' begin.
Have your kid's grades been slipping? Does he think school is 'a waste of time'? Call Jennifer the Suburban Shaman! I'll wallpaper his room with brochures for the local military academy , smack him upside the head with a willow branch then lock him in his room until he gets his fucking Trig homework done. If he starts bitching, I'll pour you a huge premixed Jose Cuervo Margarita and make sure your ipod is charged.
Dinner a struggle? Has it lost it's luster? A family dinner is key to a healthy happy family! Call Jennifer the Suburban Shaman! I'll bring a Buffet God made of legos to grant you peace and serenity in your quest for dietary equilibrium. I've also bring a dazzling array of take-out menus. Repeat customers will receive the list of On-Line Ordering options.
Can't get your dog house trained? Call Jennifer the Suburban Shaman! Honestly, in this case, I'll just take the dog because you're obviously too stupid to own a dog. Jesus Christ, it's a fucking dog!
Call the Suburban Shaman now! Your future harmony depends on it!
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