Movie Reviews

So I spent two weeks laid up with a sore back.  I originally hurt it bending over, then I re-injured it adjusting my quilt, and re-re-injured it coughing.  Who needs base jumping when you can get just as injured glancing to the left?  So after the third time, I plopped down in my reclining lawn chair and didn't get up for three days.  I spent three days doing what most of you would have done, watching a string of bad sci-fi and horror movies that I could stream for free off of NetFlix.  Here are my three sentence movie reviews to save you all some time.

1.  Storage 24 - Mickey from Dr. Who, et al, get stuck in a self storage facility with an alien. Good guys turn out to be bad guys, bad guys turn out to be good guys.  It's riveting, in an I-can't-reach-the-remote kinda way.

2. Quarantine 2 - Quarantine 1 but on a plane, with bad actors.  Just watch Quarantine 1, which is Rec1 without the subtitles.  Although Quarantine 2 is better than Rec2, which wanders from it's zombie theme into a possession theme.  Yeah, I didn't get it either.

3. Ju-On, The Grudge - the original Japanese version.  I didn't understand it AT ALL but that could have been because I didn't read most of the subtitles.

4. Virals - French zombie movie that doesn't require you to read all the subtitles.  Much better for the moderately medicated.  And a pretty good movie to boot.

5.  The Rig -  Guy in a rubber sea monster suit (or alien suit, I couldn't really tell) kills a bunch of people on an oil rig.  Everyone dies but the girl so it's just like Alien only much much worse.  I think the real actors all got the flu so the director called up his cousins.  It's the only reasonable explanation.

6.  Alien vs. Hunter - starring William Katt, the greatest american hero and Dee Dee, the lesser known Pfeiffer sister.  Spaceship crashes in a small town, unleashing a guy in a rubber alien suit, another guy in a bigger rubber alien suit and a giant cgi spider.  huh??  I fell asleep during this one so I can only assume it was all a big misunderstanding and the big alien was a cosmic exterminator and the little alien was a disgruntled customer. "but there's still a big fucking spider on my spaceship"

7.  House Hunting - Two families go to look at a cabin for sale in the woods and can't leave.  They all kill each other.  Just stay away from cabins, it never ends good.

8. Greystone Park - directed by Oliver Stone's son and Oliver Stone has an acting part.  Need I say more?

9. The Frozen - A couple get terrorized by a mysterious man while camping in the woods.  Spoiler, they're really dead!!  whaaa?

10. The Frankenstein Theory - turned it off after 3 minutes.  Could have gotten better but I was drunk with the power of the remote.  I was like a movie producer fielding movie pitches, "NO!" "next"

11.  Hypothermia - Two families get terrorized on a frozen lake, in an ice fishing house, by a sea monster.  I can't even remember if anyone got away.  At this point I started writing my own sci-fi/horror movie script.  I'm quite certain I can get it made.  Everyone will be wearing a rubber monster alien suit and a human will run around killing them all.  I'll turn the genre on its head, man! Casting calls to be held mid-summer. Stay tuned.