Puberty Video

So the 5th graders are starting their science chapter on puberty.  I was in the hallway, to supervise indoor-play, and all the boys were in Mr. Peppler's classroom for the "video".  Tom happened to be near the door when the teacher asked, "Who's out in the hallway?"  Tom answered, "It's just my Mom. Don't worry she knows all about this stuff."

Weekend Adventures

So we took the Bart down to the Exploratorium in San Francisco.  It's this cool science museum right on the water and the boys love it.  As you enter there are bathrooms off to the left and this awesome drinking fountain.

My first reaction was, "I've got to check out the bathrooms!"  "Do we get to pee in the sinks???"
Alas, regular toilets.

We're there for about 5 minutes, and Tom says,"Where's the restaurant?"and Sam follows up with, "Where's the gift shop?"  That's my boys!!!

The next day we went up to Roaring Camp to ride the Big Tree train through the Redwoods to Santa Cruz. All of those are real names.  It was Memorial Day and there was a Civil War reenactment.  Oh, bonus.  But wait, holy shit, war is loud!  Are we reenacting the entire battle? Again with the cannons?    Where's the fucking train?

On the way home we stopped in Felton for dinner and this Italian place.  It had the most unique door in the history of doors.

It's a life sized human relief, nipples and all.  Sam was awestruck, "That Is Awesome!"

I want THAT job

So I was driving to the gym yesterday and at one of the intersections there's this guy over in the grass, sitting on a lawn chair, with a little box on his lap.  I thought huh, then I realized he was monitoring the flow of traffic and controlling the traffic lights.   I wanted to run over there,  knock him off his chair and grab his control box.  This is the best job in the world!  How do I get this job!?!  You could sit there and fuck with people all day long.  Green, green, RED, green, Arrow

Okay, you can go.
Now, you can go.
Nope, not you.
Hold up, everyone stop.
Only the blue cars.
Everybody turn right!
All blinking yellow! What does that even mean?
Your turn, no wait, okay go, oops no my bad.

One step forward, two steps back.  You could have all the cars doing the hokey-pokey through the intersection.   You wouldn't even have to pay me!  Do you think it's a city job or county?  I'm going to google it....

Breakfast revisited

Tom, having mastered the "cinnamon/sugar" portion of cinnamon/sugar toast, was now in need of butter.  So I bought butter that afternoon.

The next morning I walked into the kitchen and noticed strange packaging on the counter.

Me, "What's all this on the counter?"
Tom, "That's from the butter you bought."
Me, "Yeeeaahhh, no, it's not."

This morning's Breakfast Special:  Cinnamon/Sugar Toast with Crisco.

Movie Reviews

So I spent two weeks laid up with a sore back.  I originally hurt it bending over, then I re-injured it adjusting my quilt, and re-re-injured it coughing.  Who needs base jumping when you can get just as injured glancing to the left?  So after the third time, I plopped down in my reclining lawn chair and didn't get up for three days.  I spent three days doing what most of you would have done, watching a string of bad sci-fi and horror movies that I could stream for free off of NetFlix.  Here are my three sentence movie reviews to save you all some time.

1.  Storage 24 - Mickey from Dr. Who, et al, get stuck in a self storage facility with an alien. Good guys turn out to be bad guys, bad guys turn out to be good guys.  It's riveting, in an I-can't-reach-the-remote kinda way.

2. Quarantine 2 - Quarantine 1 but on a plane, with bad actors.  Just watch Quarantine 1, which is Rec1 without the subtitles.  Although Quarantine 2 is better than Rec2, which wanders from it's zombie theme into a possession theme.  Yeah, I didn't get it either.

3. Ju-On, The Grudge - the original Japanese version.  I didn't understand it AT ALL but that could have been because I didn't read most of the subtitles.

4. Virals - French zombie movie that doesn't require you to read all the subtitles.  Much better for the moderately medicated.  And a pretty good movie to boot.

5.  The Rig -  Guy in a rubber sea monster suit (or alien suit, I couldn't really tell) kills a bunch of people on an oil rig.  Everyone dies but the girl so it's just like Alien only much much worse.  I think the real actors all got the flu so the director called up his cousins.  It's the only reasonable explanation.

6.  Alien vs. Hunter - starring William Katt, the greatest american hero and Dee Dee, the lesser known Pfeiffer sister.  Spaceship crashes in a small town, unleashing a guy in a rubber alien suit, another guy in a bigger rubber alien suit and a giant cgi spider.  huh??  I fell asleep during this one so I can only assume it was all a big misunderstanding and the big alien was a cosmic exterminator and the little alien was a disgruntled customer. "but there's still a big fucking spider on my spaceship"

7.  House Hunting - Two families go to look at a cabin for sale in the woods and can't leave.  They all kill each other.  Just stay away from cabins, it never ends good.

8. Greystone Park - directed by Oliver Stone's son and Oliver Stone has an acting part.  Need I say more?

9. The Frozen - A couple get terrorized by a mysterious man while camping in the woods.  Spoiler, they're really dead!!  whaaa?

10. The Frankenstein Theory - turned it off after 3 minutes.  Could have gotten better but I was drunk with the power of the remote.  I was like a movie producer fielding movie pitches, "NO!" "next"

11.  Hypothermia - Two families get terrorized on a frozen lake, in an ice fishing house, by a sea monster.  I can't even remember if anyone got away.  At this point I started writing my own sci-fi/horror movie script.  I'm quite certain I can get it made.  Everyone will be wearing a rubber monster alien suit and a human will run around killing them all.  I'll turn the genre on its head, man! Casting calls to be held mid-summer. Stay tuned.

Friendship

So I'm having a couple of girlfriends over for drinks.  Now I love my house but the boys' bathroom is also the guest bathroom and that kinda sucks.  So as I'm straightening some things up, I ask the boys (who am I kidding, I tell the boys) to go clean up their bathroom.  As Sam is getting the bleach wipes from under the kitchen sink, he says to me, "You know, if these are really your friends, they'll like you no matter what your bathroom looks like."  Me, "You know Sam, you're right and that shows wisdom beyond your years.  Now go clean your bathroom. It's gross."  Sam, "crap"

Baggage Handlers

So I have these awesome bags.  They don't really qualify as purses since they're more the carryall type of thing but I love them.  My current favorite  is one that I found on UncommonGoods.com and is made from recycled mailbags.  But here's my problem, I rarely get to carry them because whenever I do, they turn into everyone's carryall.  It's starts out perfect.  Me and my bag of tricks;  cell phone, chap stick, business card holder that I use as a wallet, my lucky loonie and maybe my kindle or whatever toy I've decided to bring to keep me entertained.  But no sooner are we out of the car when...."Can you carry my sunglasses?" "Can you hold my DS?"  "My graphic novel?" "My wallet?" "My cell phone?" "My jacket" "My" "My" "My"  aaaaahhhhhh

Hold your own oxygen tank.  I am not your sherpa!

And while we're at it, stop handing me your garbage!

(If you haven't been on UncommonGoods.com, you're missing out!)

My Kids are Terrible Liars

I don't mean they lie all the time.  I mean they're terrible at it.  They may quite possibly be the worst liars ever.

Sam is completely hopeless.   As soon as he tells me, "Yes, I brushed my teeth." he starts to smirk and his eyes don't quite land on anything.  His feet have even been known to shuffle.  Then he'll blurt out, "Fine, I'll go brush them now." All without me having said a word.  This kid is going to be the worst poker player in the history of the frat house.

He's getting a little bit better with the concept of deception.  He did try to hide vegetables at dinner the other night.  Of course, he just left them laying on his chair.  And I stood there, staring down at them, saying, "Really?!?" To which he replied, "Oh fine, I'll eat em."

And neither one has figured out that if they really don't want to eat something, they could feed it to the dog.  We didn't have a dog until I was in high school but we did figure out pretty early that, once our parents left the table, we could feed it to each other.   "Fine, I'll eat the liver but you have to eat whatever the hell this green stuff is."

Tom will work some righteous indignation into his tone and I'll give him points for that. Tom, "Oh, so you think this is my fault?!"  Me, "Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I think."  After his fit of vehement denial, (he doth protest too much), he'll come clean.  Tom, "I knew it was a rock when I threw it at Sam's head."  Me,"Yeah, I know."

He reached an all time high (or low?) this weekend.  He was playing with my big gardening shears.  The ones that I've told them countless times NOT to play with.  Yes, those shears.  And he cut the garden hose.  While the water was turned on.  John and I looked out the window, the hose was laying on the ground with the shears firmly clamped around it, water was spraying in a huge arc over Tom's head, whose clothes were soaked, and he looked up at us and said, "I dropped it".

John's responses were along the lines of "why did you do that?", "turn off the water", "don't lie to me".  I yelled, "I dropped it? That's what you're going with? I dropped it??"  Then John sent me out of the room because my laughter was interrupting the disciplinary process.  

I don't think this is what they envisioned when they invented the internet....

Actual Product and Yahoo News article:

Huggies Brazil tests ‘TweetPee’ sensor

The diaper sends you a tweet when your kid pees.  For all those parents who can't figure it out on their own.  I'm serious.  You can look it up.   

If the kid poops?  The mystery continues. "What is that smell? Hmh" 

There's also an entire interview with Jennifer Aniston about her hair.  It's riveting.

canadian bumper sticker

I was following this car yesterday and had to take a picture of its bumper sticker.

I texted the pic to John but figured he would have the same problem that you're probably having.  Here's the text string:

Me:  You probably can't read this but it's a "Canada Kicks Ass" bumper sticker

John: I can and IT DOES

Me:  Yes but it apologizes afterward

(John has the matching t-shirt)

Wii fit is kicking my ass

Still laid up with back trouble.  Here's an old one I found from the first time I was going to start a blog but didn't.

I started wii fit at my mom's house, where I had four kids under the age of 11 "helping me".

"lean to the left, no the right, no the left"
"punch, no step punch, step punch, PUNCH"
"it's over on the right, it's over on the right, IT'S OVER ON THE RIGHT"
"Wow, Aunt Jenny, it says your 59 years old!!"
"Hey, Uncle John, Aunt Jenny's been on the island cycling for 42 minutes and still can't find the last two flags!  Wanna watch"
John, "Pfft.  yeah, right."

When we got back home, I only had the boys to help me.  It wasn't going much better.
(When you read my responses, remember to include my huffing and puffing)

During the boxing:
Sam, "Can I try?
Me, "When I'm done"

Tom, "Can I try?

Me, "When I'm done"

Sam, "Can I try?

Me, "When I'm done"

Tom, "Can I try?

Me, "GO TO YOUR ROOM"

During the aerobics:

Tom, "Mom, it's the left foot"

Me, "No, it's not"

Tom, "Mom, it's the left foot"

Me, "No, it's not"

Tom, "Mom, it's the left foot"

Me, "No, it's NOT"

Tom, "oh, you're right, it's the right"

<fffffffuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkk>

And my wii fit nemesis, Island Cycling:

10 minutes in,

Sam, "oh, go across the bridge"

Me, "there's nothing over there"

Sam, "but it'll be fun"

Me, "no, it won't"

Sam, "it could be fun"

Me, "SAM"

20 minutes in,

Sam, "It's over on the right"

Me, "No, it's at a different elevation"

Sam, "It's over on the right" 

Me, "NO, it's at a different elevation"

Sam, "It's over on the right" 

Me, "Sam, it's at a different elevation"

Sam, "What's an elevation?

Me, "SAM"

30 minutes in,

Tom, "Hey, look a dog"

Tom, "look, it's following you!"

Tom,  "No, don't go that way, you'll lose the dog!"

Tom, "Where's the dog?

<fucking dog>

Yoga:

And I now know why the wii remote has a wrist strap.  It's so you don't throw it at the fucking yoga lady.

Me, "Stop telling me the benefits of yoga, I get it."

Me, "Can we just do this?"

Me, "Stop talking!!"

Yoga lady, "now touch your toes and look at your stomach"

Me, "if I do that, I can't see the little blue circle"

Yoga lady, "relax your shoulders"

Me, "I can't see the blue circle"

Yoga lady, "remember to breathe"

Me, "I'm going to get off balance"

Yoga lady, "You're balance is off"

Me, "Fuck you, I'm 59" 

Tom, "Do the downward farting dog. Maybe the dog will come back"

And they wonder why people don't exercise more.....