Walking Dead part 2

Sam and I watched the latest episode of the Walking Dead.  One spiky zombie.  There was only one spiky zombie.  And it was killed with trash.  God, I hate this show.

Sam and I were discussing the episode over dinner.

Me, "That was disappointing."
Tom, "It was killed with trash? That doesn't make sense."
Me, "This is what we're talking about!"
Sam, "I've already figured out what tools in the garage I'll use as zombie weapons."
Me, <pointing a fork> "What you need to figure out is where we can go because this place has too many windows. We could never board them all up."
Tom, "I can't believe you guys have thought of this."
Me, "Sometimes it takes a while to fall asleep."
Sam, "Yeah."
Tom, <grunting>
Sam, "We'll take the dogs in case we run out of food."
Tom, <contemptible and very judgmental grunting>
<eating>
Sam, "We could go up the hill behind the houses."
Me, "There's nothing up there but cows."
<more eating>
Me, "Oh, there are those cement county buildings for equipment or whatever!"
Sam, "Yes! We could stay there!"
<more eating>
Tom, "Why don't you just go the the military base?"
Me, "OH MY GOD! Yes! We'll go to the military base!"
Sam, "There's tons of weapons there and it's all fenced!"
Me, "And there's a prison! And solar panels!
Tom,  <with wonderment and ridicule> "I can't believe you guys."
Sam, "We're not taking you."
Me, "Of course, we're taking him. We'll eat him when we run out of dog."

The Walking Dead

I stopped watching the Walking Dead after two seasons.  I couldn't handled all the stupid people and the stupid things they did and all the batshit-crazy people.  Sam had been asking to watch it and I couldn't remember why I had said it was inappropriate and figured it had something to do with his age when he originally started asking so I told him he could watch it. That's parenting at it's best right there. He asked me if I wanted to watch it with him several times but I held firm to my "no".  Then, somehow, I saw the trailer for the second half of season seven. If you haven't seen this, it can be found on line and some uber-fans (i.e. crazy people) have even broken it down frame by frame for analysis.  One of these frames shows a blurry spiky creature standing behind Rick. Oh, shit.

nonononononononononononononononononono

You can't do this to me! You can't throw in a completely awesome spiky zombie creature and get me sucked into this show again. Do you know how much I love monster movies? Do you, you sick sonofabitch? And it's all blurry so you can't get a really good look at it but it's still awesome. Maybe it's a some new mutant zombie. Please, god in heaven, let it be a mutant zombie. People are speculating that the zombies are being militarized.  Okay, that would be good second but I don't want to start watching this stupid show again.  I hate this show.

Fine, now I'm watching this goddamn show again but not all of it.  I'll only watch the current season. I'm not wading back through all the Mayor/Governor crap. The cannibals are tempting, really really tempting but I'm resisting. I know I'm going to have to deal with Negan, and you can tell from his smile that he's a fuckhead and I can only handle so much because I really hate this show. Season seven is all I'm gonna do. There, the decision is made.

Oh, but just wait a second there, missy. The current season of the Walking Dead is only available on the AMC app. It's not on-demand, it's not on Hulu, sure you can buy it on Amazon or some such nonsense but there's no way I'm gonna do that so that leaves me with the AMC app.  Sam warned me that the app had really bad reviews and I soon discovered the bad reviews were extremely well earned.  In order to catch up with the current episode and the spiky zombie creatures, I needed to watch nine episodes. Nine episodes full of stupid people whose back stories I needed Sam to explain to me just to have them die 20 minutes later. Nine episodes full of Negan who turned out to be an even bigger fuckhead than I'd imagined. All the while the AMC app would kick me out after each episode, and occasionally after it had been briefly paused for explanations from Sam as to characters and/or plot points. Each and every time I was kicked out I had to go online line to reactivate the app.  This happened so often that I added a bookmark for activation site and not to my list of favorite bookmarks but directly on the favorites bar itself.  It happened that often.  And here's the kicker, the first half of the season was only available to view for the next four days? Why? Because someone at AMC is a complete and utter bastard.

I spent four days and nine episodes telling fiction characters to kill Negan. But, oh no, they won't kill Negan because he'll do something batshit-crazy but he's already doing things that are batshit-crazy and, here's what I feel is the very important point that they all seem to have missed, arbitrarily!
ar-bi-trar-ily!!! Somebody please kill this fucker because you'll be no worse off then you are now.  He's Two-Face, making decisions by flipping a coin. Have none of these people read a book? or a newspaper? This scenario has been played out a thousand times and it always ends the same. Kill the fucker and the infighting will kill off half the rest and we can move on the the wonderful spiky mutant zombies. And, for the love of god, Rick. Stop Crying! Fuck.

By the way, I kept saying the same thing all the way through the movie The Split. ('Kill him', not 'stop crying, Rick'.)  I really liked The Split but let's face it that movie should have been 12 minutes long.  Three girls wake up in a locked room with a stranger.
Me, "Kill him"
Tom, "But he's really strong."
Me, "There's three of them. Kill him."
Tom, "They don't have any weapons."
Me, "There's a mirror in the bathroom and the toilet tank lid weighs a ton. Kill him."
Tom, "One of them might die."
Me, "They're already dead. Kill him"
Tom, "But they don't know what he's going to do with them."
Me, "Whatever it is, it's bad. Kill him."
Tom, "The door is locked."
Me, "Kill him and spend the next 90 minutes looking for the key."
But it is a good movie so go and see it and just ignore the fact that they should have killed him an hour ago.

Back to the Walking Dead.  I've now watched eight and 9/10th episodes, and Rick-the-crybaby and Co have run into another group of batshit-crazy people.  Side question, who at the Walking Dead offices decided that every single group over 10 have to be batshit-crazy? I want his name so I can egg his house. Sure the tiger is cool but really? So here I am, there's new batshit-crazy group, and I am sooooo close to my new spiky zombies. The show ends and they roll the previews for next time. Now I don't remember exactly what the previews consisted of but the head crazy lady said something like, "if you want to leave, you're going to have to do something for us." then we see a shot of what could only be described as a junkyard gladiator ring. Are you kidding me? I've waded through nine episodes of this shit for a zombie gladiator ring? Are you kidding me? No, mutant zombies. No, militarized zombies. Gladiators? AND, I have to keep watching to make sure it really is gladiators? God, I hate this fucking show.

The most accurate graph on the internet by someone whose name I don't know:

Happy Valentine's Day

For the man who has everything:

I can't decide which I like the most.

Syphilis:

or Herpes:

Simply Tastes

So I watched The Crown a while ago and am now enjoying Victoria. As much as I like both shows they  have, unfortunately, highlighted my life's stunning lack of crowns.  I've no real interest in the palaces, the servants, the gowns, the power or the titles but is it too much to ask for a few crowns?  Perhaps one for dining, one for evenings out and a simple, less ornate one for errands.  Oh, and a tiara for trips to the beach. Crowns are not appropriate for the beach but a nice tiara would do nicely. And meetings; definitely a meeting tiara.  Three crowns and two tiaras.  But I forgot about medical appoints. All that waiting in waiting rooms would be greatly improved with a tiara.  Three crowns and three tiaras.  Buuuut considering how upset I get these days if I spend more than 20 minutes on the internet, I could definitely use an internet tiara. Just to help me stay calm.  Three crowns and four tiaras.  Oh, you know what would really be helpful? A bad mood crown.  This would alert the rest of the household when I'm not feeling my best and they could adjust their behavior accordingly. That could eliminate or at least alleviate so much discord.  I definitely need a mood crown. Four crowns and four tiaras. Of course if we're addressing moods, we should throw in a whimsical tiara.  We should embrace the whimsical whenever possible.  Four crowns and five tiaras.  That should cover things.

This all falls in quite nicely with my New Year's resolution.  I decided for 2017 I would be more high maintenance.  I been noticing how some people are always high maintenance and how everyone else just seems to put up with it and that made me realize how easy John and the boys have had it so this year I'm going to be high maintenance. Nothing says high maintenance like crowns. Oh but look at me, I've included a mood crown and a whimsy tiara. Even when I'm being high maintenance, I'm still  making life easier for those around me.  Must be part of my dna.

This one, by the way, is my favorite, John.  Just in case you're looking for something to get me for Valentine's Day. Oh my god, there I go again with the helpfulness.  I just can't stop.

I would use this as my Whimsy Tiara

Escape Room

So we took the boys to an Escape Room for their birthday.  I thought it would be fun because I saw one on an episode of The Big Bang Theory.  The joke was that they were all PhD's so they finished in like 9 minutes and there was a zombie who said things like, "aaaarrrrrr.norefundsforfinishingearly.rrrrrr".  John wasn't too keen until he talked with his sister, Heather.  She and her family had gone a couple of times and had a blast.  Her kids were younger than ours so that boded well for us.  He finally gave in after I said, "C'mon, it'll be something different."

And it was.  It was a singular experience.  How many of you can say that you drove 45 minutes to give $120 to a stranger just to fight with your family? Anyone? I didn't think so.  Most of you probably do it for free in the privacy of your own home.  Not on video in a San Jose strip mall.

Now I know people have fun in Escape Rooms.  Heather and her family had fun.  The group that came out ahead of us had fun.  There were pictures on the walls of other groups having fun.  Look, that group finished in 32 minutes.  Look at their smiles.  Oh, they all have group names.  We need a group name.  We chose 'The Four Moore's of the Apocalypse'.
Me, 'I want to be Pestilence.'
Tom, "There isn't Pestilence.
Me, 'Yes, there is.'
Tom,"No, he was replace with Conquest.'
Me, "What? No, he wasn't. When?"
Look at that, we're already having fun.
And we couldn't have picked a better name because once we broke the seal and entered the Escape Room, Hell followeth close behind.

If you are unfamiliar with an Escape Room, here's a quick and dirty explanation. (or you could watch BBT season 8, episode 16)  You are 'locked' in a room and have to figure out puzzles to work your way out.  The first puzzle leads to the second which leads to the third and so on. Our Escape Room's theme was an archeological tomb with ancient spells and symbols.  We were given a walkie talkie in case we ran into trouble and needed hints.  The clock was set for one hour but if the hour ran out and you were close to finishing, you were given extra time. That was their way of being nice but really it wasn't.

Now back to that group that finished in 32 minutes.  That is utter bullshit.  We spent that much time trying to solve the very first puzzle. Seriously.  There were four boxes, one on each wall, each with a puzzle containing five letters. One of each letter would combine to spell out a four letter word. The letters of that word were to be lined up on a alphabetical lock to open a chest that provided the next clue.  After 30 minutes, Rachel's/Megan's/whatever voice came over the walkie talkie, "Do you need some help?" "YES".  Her clue wasn't very helpful because Sam had gotten us that far already. He was the only one of us to make any headway.  Maybe that kid will get into college after all.

John and I spent quite a bit of time arguing over whether or not we should be going clockwise around the room.
Me, "We have to go clockwise."
John, "Why?"
Me, "Because who would go COUNTER-CLOCKWISE?!"
Honestly, how can you argue with logic like that?

At another point since we were given the letters available on each clue, John thought we should compare those letter to the letters available on the lock. Tom had the dry erase board.
Tom, "Okay, read off the letters that aren't on the lock."
John, "How can I read off the letters THAT AREN'T THERE!?!?"

We were fairly certain that the first letter was 'P' so we ending up trying every combination of P words. We'll just throw words at it until one works. This was our key strategy throughout the rest of the game.  It was a war of attrition. It was good enough for D-Day, it was good enough for us.

I would put our all-time low point at puzzle 4 or maybe it was 5; it's all kind of fuzzy. This one required us to go back to the first room and the four puzzles that were on each of the four walls.  One person had to stand directly in front of each puzzle, activating a light, allowing each person to read the puzzle at the back of the box. If one person moved away, all four lights went off and no one could see anything.  Tom read his clue, was convinced he knew the answer, and ran out of the room.  All four lights went off. <goddamnit> All, "Come back!" Tom having failed to solve the puzzle with only his clue, came back and stood in front of his wall. This allowed Sam to read his clue. Tom again convinced he knew the answer and ran out of the room and all four lights went off. <goddamnmotherfucker> "COME BACK" This happened many many times. Tom will be the first person killed during the zombie apocalypse. Most likely by his fellow survivors.

My personal low point was in room 3.  This room had two pillars, each with a hole in the front covered with a rubber gasket, like a garbage disposal.  Obviously two people were going to have to stick their hands into the holes.  Nope, I'm out.  There's no way in hell I'm sticking my hand in one of those holes.  I don't know what's in there.  I don't know how many people have been through this room. I don't know their personal hygiene standards.  Happy Birthday, it's a staph infection. That door ain't really locked, let's leave.

This room also had a mural painted on one way that "explained" how to solve the final puzzle.  I put the word in quotation marks because that mural may have been quite pretty but it didn't explain shit.  By the time we had reached the last puzzle, our time had run out. Since no one was scheduled after us  Alyssa/Kylie/whatever came over the walkie-talkie and said we could have a few more minutes.  We tried to graciously refuse.  "oh, thank you but that's okay." "No, you're almost there, keep it up!!" "thanks, Krsahmumble mumble mumble."

As we stood there trying to figure out the last puzzle, a guy came in and began resetting all the puzzles for the next group.  "Oh, we should leave." "No, no. That's okay." Great, back to the last puzzle. It involved these three rotating rings that needed to be lined up in a particular order to reveal a four digit code.  We had figured that much out. The guy came over and asked if we needed help. We, again, offered to leave but he said to take our time.  "oh, thank you, again." After a few more minutes he walked us over the the "explanatory" mural and talked us through it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. "Really, we can go if you need to clean this place up." "oh, no, no, it's not problem." "fantastic"  Back to the wheel.  He joined us shortly because we were still getting no where. He lined up the symbols, used the mural to move the different rings and ta-da, the first number.
Huh?
Guy, "See, it's joined here at the moons so imagine that you split the symbols at the moon and mentally move them up and join them at the suns and now the greenish smears look like a number!"
Us, "uuhhh"
Guy, "Do you see it?"
Us, "uuuhh"
Guy, "See here, this part looks like the top of a...?"
John, "Eight?"
Guy, "Well no, see this part here..."
Tom, "A seven?"
Guy, "YES! YOU GOT IT!"
Me, "Well, I wouldn't go that far."
He walked us slowly through the second clue, with teeny tiny baby steps and I still had no idea what he was talking about.  But, whatever, we had the first two numbers. There weren't that many possible combinations left so we launched another full frontal assault and escaped to the glories of the waiting area and our group photo.  Left to our own devices, we would still be in that last room, deciding who we should eat first.

Instead we found ourselves, backed up against the victory wall, holding our placard emblazoned with our team name and score time.
Four Moore's of the Apocalypse
68 Minutes (yeah, right)
Becca/Brittney/damn,what was her name? said, "Smile"
We didn't say "fuck off", so well done, us.
Then we left.

The car ride home was silent.  When we got home, we all went in separate rooms and closed the doors.  Did we bond as a family? Well, let me put it this way. If only three of us had walked out of that room and Missy had asked, "Weren't there four of you?" The remaining would have insisted there were only three. If you can't trust your family to help you hide a body, who can you trust?

Look, they had fun!

Monopolies are Bad

I know this. I've taken the classes. I've read the books. I've played the game.  Everyone knows that monopolies are bad. Yet the one monopoly that I would like to see formed in the next four years is with those stupid debit/credit machines at checkout counters. I don't know what they're called. Please, Allah (or whoever is in charge today) let one of Trump's RobberBarons cabinet picks own one of those companies.

Why? Because those machines are all different. Every store has a different machine, with different questions, in  a different order. And, god forbid, you mess up and they have to reboot the transaction after reconnecting to the mothership or whatever the fuck they have to do. I've seriously considered sending myself to the back of the line when that happens because, seriously, all I had to do was read the questions. But I don't want to read your stupid questions that are written in a slightly different way from the questions at the store next door just to make sure that I'm paying attention because I'm not. And I'll tell you that right up front. I am not. paying. attention. I am here to get my cough medicine and ignore every form of intelligence, artificial or otherwise. Unless it's a dog. I have plenty of time to pet the dog. I'd almost rather go back to writing checks and making small talk with the cashier. It's a tough call.

They can't even make the answer colors the same. Why do the colors have to be different?  At this point in my life the only thing I know for sure is that red means 'stop' and green means 'go'.  Whole Foods has orange. Orange? Am I supposed to 'yield'?  One store had blue. Blue?!? I don't remember which store but BLUE? I actually said, out loud, "Blue? What the fuck is blue?" The cashier grunted.  Grunted.  I'm getting snarky with a machine and the cashier is giving me the vocal equivalent of filing her nails.  Can we just get one machine?

Although, I will admit, I do like the added security of the card chip.  I do feel much safer since that was rolled out.  No self-respecing thief would spend an extra 9 minutes standing in front of the eye-in-the-sky waiting for that transaction to go through.

Oh, you know what I learned this morning waiting to buy my cough medicine? Listening to the couple ahead of me spell out their email address 4 times? And repeat the spelling of their last name 3 times? If you just keep hacking and hacking throughout their entire transaction, the cashier won't bother asking you a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g She'll hit a few button on her register and toss the Robitussin towards the exit.

2 down, 1459 to go

Wow, that sounds like a long time. Okay, how can we make this better......it's only 35,016 hours. That sounds more reasonable, especially if you consider the average person spends 219,152 hours sleeping.  So....in theory we can sleep through his entire term.
Who's with me?!

Set your alarm for 2020!