So UCLA...we didn't take an official tour but instead wondered around the campus which is beautiful, Interesting architecture, rolling hills, huge old growth trees and the kicker? They were setting up for an incoming freshman event so there was a whole Fair atmosphere. White tents, lots of signs pointing things out, party on the roof of the physics building, families wandering around, and lots of helpful students asking if we needed directions. It was like a movie set. Completely unlike my college campus. I was fine.
UC Irving was different. And more like my college. Trees had clearly been cut down to accommodate the construct of ugly utilitarian buildings that all kinda centered around a fountain area. Uh-oh, this is hitting close to home. Worse? We were signed up for a tour so we ended up waiting with a couple hundred other folks. The first groups were incoming freshman (again, really?) who were touring the various housing and food service options available. Again, hitting close to home. Rather than ask for the car keys so I could sit in the parking garage and skip the tour, I found a spot in the shade to regroup. John went in search of Starbucks and the boys joined me under a tree.
Sam, "Are you okay?"
Me, "Uh, okay, kinda."
Sam, "What's wrong?"
Me, "Oh, just, you know.."
Sam, "Is it because you're 50?"
Me, "What?! NO! Well, I mean, now it is!"
And I got up and stormed off to find John.
Our tour group consisted of 30-40 kids and parents. I realize these tours are optional but they should really be mandatory. One of the first things pointed out was a housing area named Middle Earth. No, the other housing areas were not named Hogwarts, or Star Fleet Academy. They were typical boring names. Middle Earth was under construction. There were building new dorms, to be called, the Two Towers. The four of us were the only ones in the group to react. Really? Towards the end of the tour, the guide pointed out the emergency calls boxes that were all over campus. He explained their purpose then told the story of the last time the system was used for an actual emergency rather than to request an escort after dark. Here's the story. A student was walking across campus. It was late enough that most of the lights were off but the few that were on, were reflecting off the disco ball key chain hanging off the back of her backpack. This shiny, sparkly disco ball attracted the attention of a herd of raccoons (which is called a Gaze, my friend, Jessica, looked that up) a gaze of raccoons. She ends up being chased across campus by the gaze and finally calls for security from an emergency call box and they show up and have to Tase the raccoons. or is it Taze? I don't know. Anyway, I was rolling! But when I looked around no one else was laughing. I started wondering if they didn't know what raccoons were or if perhaps english was a second language. I immediately judged all of them and decided that if you don't laugh at Middle Earth or the rabid raccoon story, your application for admittance should get shit-canned.
As the tour was ending, I was getting verklempt again.
Tom, "Are you okay?"
Me, "Oh...I don't know.."
Tom, "Don't worry. He's not going to get in."
Me, "wh..."
Tom, "I mean, neither of us. He won't get in here and I won't get into UCLA."
Me, "I don't kn..."
Tom, "No, we'll both end up in some alley with a needle hanging out of our arm..."
Me, "OH MY GOD! Get away from me! Go stay over there with your brother...jesus..."
See these tours are helping a lot. The more we go on, the less and less I miss them. I mean, really....
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