The other morning I was sitting at the kitchen table reading and Tom walked in.
Tom, "Good morning."
Me, "'Morning."
Tom, "How'd you sleep?"
Me, "uh, fine."
Tom, "Is anything wrong?"
Me, "No, why?"
Tom, "Well, you're answering everything with one word."
Me, "Oh, no, it's this book that I'm reading. I've read some of his other books and they were all strange or woo-woo-woo but this one is just....
Sam walks in the room.
Me, "......this guy's crazy and those guys are greedy."
Sam, "What are you talking about? The presidency?"
So that says a lot.....
Friday, January 19, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
You Must Be the Pretty One
So I'm at the gym this morning, on the elliptical and the guy next to me starts loud talking (because he's that kind of guy. we'll call him DB) to another guy standing in front of him. Soon a third joins them on another elliptical. (Why do I have so much trouble spelling elliptical?)
Standing Man had gotten divorced and he was telling DB. 3rd guy pipes up and says something like I'm 30 and all my friends are getting married but I'm like, hey, not me. <hearts breaking wide open across the state>
DB starts talking, "Hey, look at me, I'm 56 and I just got married. I was seeing this girl for a while and she's totally loaded and one day she asks me, hey, do you want to stop working forever? and I was like sure. I've got my full pension and if you want to pay my way, sure." I'm paraphrasing here but you get my drift. Btw, I would loooove to hear her version on the discussion.
I'm glancing over at him occasionally. He's nothing to write home about. If you're going to pick a trophy boy then pick a trophy boy. And it's it fascinating how douche bags thrive in captivity. It's like a reverse Darwinism; survival of the dumbest. This guy is 56; he could never be released into the wild. Standing Man glances at me and gives me a shrug and I start laughing. DB turns to me.
Me, "You are a keeper."
DB, "Oh yeah, I'm not leaving."
Me, "Not what I meant."
And I return to my book. I'm almost done, and it's getting really good. I'll finish it this morning and then later today I can watch the movie. It's the first day back from winter break, pouring rain, there's leftover Chinese food in the fridge and the boys aren't home to half-watch the movie and repeatedly ask me what's going on. Perfect day. Bonus, Gillian Anderson is in it along with Julian Sands. That had to have cause confusion on the set. Gillian. Julian. Julian. Gillian. And what's up with Julian Sands anyway? He was in Oxford Blues then disappeared and pops up every 6-7 years on the BBC. Where does he go? Wasn't he rumored to be the father of Jodie Foster's kids? I'll have to google that when I get home.
Then I hear something.
DB, "words, words"
Me <is this guy talking to me?>, "huh?"
DB, "Did I get your blood boiling there?"
Me, "uh....no?"
DB, "Didn't mean to get your blood boiling. Ha Ha Ha"
Me, "oh, bless her heart."
DB, "huh?"
Me, "Seriously, are you scripted?" (Okay, I didn't say that but I was thinking it really loudly)
DB, <silence and turns back to his buddy.>
And I mean that. Bless her heart. If she hadn't stepped up to look after this guy then he would have been out there defaulting on loans, driving up insurance rates and littering. She really took one for the team. Bless. Her. Heart.
Although I would have picked someone younger.....
Standing Man had gotten divorced and he was telling DB. 3rd guy pipes up and says something like I'm 30 and all my friends are getting married but I'm like, hey, not me. <hearts breaking wide open across the state>
DB starts talking, "Hey, look at me, I'm 56 and I just got married. I was seeing this girl for a while and she's totally loaded and one day she asks me, hey, do you want to stop working forever? and I was like sure. I've got my full pension and if you want to pay my way, sure." I'm paraphrasing here but you get my drift. Btw, I would loooove to hear her version on the discussion.
I'm glancing over at him occasionally. He's nothing to write home about. If you're going to pick a trophy boy then pick a trophy boy. And it's it fascinating how douche bags thrive in captivity. It's like a reverse Darwinism; survival of the dumbest. This guy is 56; he could never be released into the wild. Standing Man glances at me and gives me a shrug and I start laughing. DB turns to me.
Me, "You are a keeper."
DB, "Oh yeah, I'm not leaving."
Me, "Not what I meant."
And I return to my book. I'm almost done, and it's getting really good. I'll finish it this morning and then later today I can watch the movie. It's the first day back from winter break, pouring rain, there's leftover Chinese food in the fridge and the boys aren't home to half-watch the movie and repeatedly ask me what's going on. Perfect day. Bonus, Gillian Anderson is in it along with Julian Sands. That had to have cause confusion on the set. Gillian. Julian. Julian. Gillian. And what's up with Julian Sands anyway? He was in Oxford Blues then disappeared and pops up every 6-7 years on the BBC. Where does he go? Wasn't he rumored to be the father of Jodie Foster's kids? I'll have to google that when I get home.
Then I hear something.
DB, "words, words"
Me <is this guy talking to me?>, "huh?"
DB, "Did I get your blood boiling there?"
Me, "uh....no?"
DB, "Didn't mean to get your blood boiling. Ha Ha Ha"
Me, "oh, bless her heart."
DB, "huh?"
Me, "Seriously, are you scripted?" (Okay, I didn't say that but I was thinking it really loudly)
DB, <silence and turns back to his buddy.>
And I mean that. Bless her heart. If she hadn't stepped up to look after this guy then he would have been out there defaulting on loans, driving up insurance rates and littering. She really took one for the team. Bless. Her. Heart.
Although I would have picked someone younger.....
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Stingray City
Some of this occurred, some didn't. I'll let you determine which is which.
So our boat is anchored on the sandbar and Natalie is giving out helpful information and safety tips.
Natalie, "The stingrays will swim towards you, brush against you, swim through your legs. Their skin can be rough. Do not scream that you've been stung. You have not been stung."
Me, <raising hand> "Are there sharks?"
Natalie, "No, there are no sharks. We have a bucket of calamari pieces that you can feed the stingrays. They will suck it out of your hand."
Me, < raising hand> "How do you know there aren't any sharks?"
Natalie, "Sharks prefer to stay farther out. Boys, please do not put pieces of calamari into your pockets. If you do the stingray will follow you all over the sandbar until it sucks the piece out of your pocket."
Me, < raising hand> "What is the stingray's main predator?"
Natalie, "Um, that would probably be the shark. Mothers after touching the calamari, do not touch your child. Every spot you touch your child will attract the stingrays and they will try to suck up any last bit of juice. This is called a Stingray Hickey."
Me, < raising hand> "So how do you know that there aren't any sharks?
Toms, "Jeez, Mom. You're more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark."
Me, < raising hand> "Are there any cows?"
So our boat is anchored on the sandbar and Natalie is giving out helpful information and safety tips.
Natalie, "The stingrays will swim towards you, brush against you, swim through your legs. Their skin can be rough. Do not scream that you've been stung. You have not been stung."
Me, <raising hand> "Are there sharks?"
Natalie, "No, there are no sharks. We have a bucket of calamari pieces that you can feed the stingrays. They will suck it out of your hand."
Me, < raising hand> "How do you know there aren't any sharks?"
Natalie, "Sharks prefer to stay farther out. Boys, please do not put pieces of calamari into your pockets. If you do the stingray will follow you all over the sandbar until it sucks the piece out of your pocket."
Me, < raising hand> "What is the stingray's main predator?"
Natalie, "Um, that would probably be the shark. Mothers after touching the calamari, do not touch your child. Every spot you touch your child will attract the stingrays and they will try to suck up any last bit of juice. This is called a Stingray Hickey."
Me, < raising hand> "So how do you know that there aren't any sharks?
Toms, "Jeez, Mom. You're more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark."
Me, < raising hand> "Are there any cows?"
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
12 Days of Christmas Cruise (the rest)
12 million people clearing customs
(ffffuuuuucccckkkkkkk)
11 minutes, winning sudoku time!
(suck it, losers!)
10 drinks till midnight
(happy new year!)
9 hours to Chichen Itza
(will this bus ride ever ennnnnnnnd?!?)
8 stingrays flapping
(hey, I don't know how many there were and neither do you.)
7 questions from the spa technician
6 quarts of sweat in Columbia
(me, "jeez, how hot is it??", john, "it's not the heat it's the humidity." me, "shut up.")
5 Tiiiiiinnnnyyyyy Speeeeeeddooooooossssss
(full body shudder....make it staaaaawp!)
4 losing games of bingo (but we won $2 on pull tabs!)
3 hours napping
2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room
(ffffuuuuucccckkkkkkk)
11 minutes, winning sudoku time!
(suck it, losers!)
10 drinks till midnight
(happy new year!)
9 hours to Chichen Itza
(will this bus ride ever ennnnnnnnd?!?)
8 stingrays flapping
(hey, I don't know how many there were and neither do you.)
7 questions from the spa technician
6 quarts of sweat in Columbia
(me, "jeez, how hot is it??", john, "it's not the heat it's the humidity." me, "shut up.")
5 Tiiiiiinnnnyyyyy Speeeeeeddooooooossssss
(full body shudder....make it staaaaawp!)
4 losing games of bingo (but we won $2 on pull tabs!)
3 hours napping
2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room
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