8th grade

The first day of school was a minimum day so the boys have been in school for 3 hours and 20 minutes. Tom already needs a glue stick.

My Thoughts Exactly

I just finished reading "I've Still Got It...I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Awkwardly True Tales From the Far Side of Forty" by Jenna Mccarthy.  It filled the "A book written by an author with your same initials" requirement for my reading challenge.

It's quite funny and she hits very close to home on many, many points but her thoughts on mammograms are dead on!

" .....every time I see my boob flattened out like a homemade tortilla between icy plates of glass and metal, my singular thought is Really? This is still the best we've got?  Think about it.  We can send monkeys (and humans!) into outer space and sport wearable computers with built-in facial recognition software.  We can build a working semiautomatic firearm, an acoustic guitar, a glazed ceramic coffee cup, waterproof bikini, a precise miniature Aston Martin replica, and even human organs with nothing more than a 3-D printer. We can fuel cars with recycled fryer oil, track the calories we burn with every step we take, and transplant entire faces that have been ravaged by disaster or disease.  We've built robotic lifeguards that have pulled people from riptides and saved their lives.  You'd think by now we could just swallow a little computer chip that would scan our insides on the way down and transmit all of the data to our doctors' computers in real time before we pooped the thing out.  But no. Apparently, figuring out how to get Leonardo DiCaprio to Mars has kept scientists extremely busy."

Amen, Sister!

I'm now reading "William Shakespeare's Star Wars" by Ian Doescher.
(Book Challenge requirement: A play)

OBI-WAN:                                                --True it is,
                       That these are not the droids for which
                        thou search'st.

We fought the law and the law won

So we got a Nasty-Gram from our Home Owners Association.  This may have come as a shock but it wasn't our first.  We'd received them before from our HOA in Arizona.  The first one back then was a shock.  I immediately thought than one of our neighbors had narc'd on us but said neighbors quickly explained that the old bitties on the HOA board like to drive around looking for things on which to cite people.  Time well spent, I assure you.

In our case it was weeds in our front yard.  Now forget whatever you know about weeds and remember that I'm talking about Phoenix, Arizona.  It's a desert.  Nothing grows without a drip line.  Our entire yard, front and back, was on life support.  When they terraform Mars, it will look like Phoenix.  Beautiful, green plant life, man-made lakes and fountains, right up to the edge where it ends it vast dusty, tumbleweedy nothingness.  It's Under the Dome, without the Dome.  

The great down fall to drip lines is that they're made of plastic.  Plastic and heat don't mix well so they constantly needed to be repaired or replaced. Our front yard was "natural landscaping", read: rocks with the occasional non-native plant.  Natural my ass.  Anyway, the drip lines were always developing little leaks and it's really hot so they were not always fixed immediately so, voila, a weed would spring up.  Not a hearty, thick stemmed dandelion-y fuck-you weed but a flimsy, practically see-through pathetic weed that was very easy to ignore especially if you rarely went outside.  After a while you'd get a note from the HOA asking you to remove the weeds because your house alone was bringing down the resale value of the entire neighborhood. (Not the complete and utter collapse of the mortgage market. I mean you couldn't give those fucking houses away.) After the first Nasty-gram, John refused to partake in any weed removal until after receiving a "warning".  

Me, "It's getting a little thick out front."  

John, "I know.  The letter should be coming any day now."

So we were old hats at the whole Nasty-Gram thing but we were a little surprised at the reason it was sent.  As you may know California is in the middle of a drought.  No, really, it's made the news and everything.  Every one's lawns are going brown so the HOA board had to dust off the by-laws to find something else to complain about.  In our case it was exposed drip lines.  Huh?  Our front yard has not changed since we bought the house 5 years ago, mainly because the previous owners did a really nice job and we didn't want to fuck it up.   After 5 years, they'd had enough of our Drip-Line fiasco and god-damn-it you have 30 days to fix it!  For a while we were like, Ooooh, a Nasty-Gram, remember when we got those in Arizona? They like us. They really, really like us. Then we tossed it aside and went to Starbucks.  

Over the next 30 days, we would on occasion talk about different ground cover options.

John, "I like that dark cedar stuff."

Me, "I was thinking more like Styrofoam packing peanuts.  I would pay a thousand dollars to cover our front yard with pink bouncy balls just so I could say, Well you didn't specify what ground cover."

<end of conversation>

30 days went by and we received Nasty-Gram #2.  We're on Step 2! They have steps!

Me, "What do you think step 3 is?"

John, "I don't know. I could probably look it up but I'd have to dig out the paperwork from when we bought the house."

Me, "Don't they have a website."

John, <laughs>

Me, "Why don't you write back and tell them that 30 days is not enough time to fight with your wife about ground cover options."

John, "I'm going to write back and just say, Bring It On."

So we waited.  And waited.  

Me, "What if Step 3 is a fine?"

John, "I'm not paying a fucking fine."

Me, "What if they send us to collections?

John, "For ground cover? Who the fuck cares?"

And we waited.  After 30 days, still nothing.  I was starting to think that there was no Step 3.   This was the most boring feud in the history of feuds.  This was never going to spiral into a tragic death scene where one of our kids falls into a forbidden love with one of the HOA's kids and we're forced to face the error of our ways. Really, people? We say 'no' twice and you give up? This is your level of commitment? Now I'm started to worry about what we're paying the landscapers to maintain the common areas. They could be gouging us and we'd be none the wiser. 

We were amazed that nothing had happened and would talk about it on occasion. John would drive around looking at other people's ground cover and would insist I came with him to see one that he really liked even though I kept stressing to him that I didn't care.  No, really, I Don't Care.  It's not a trap, just pick whichever you want. Eventually we chose a ground cover and made the boys spread it around and cover up the drip lines.  It looked really nice and we were quite happy with the result and ended up doing the back yard as well because, damn, this looks good! But we were left with a slightly disappointed feeling. Who wants a wimpy HOA that just rolls over at the first sign of conflict?  And then we realized that we'd done exactly what they wanted us to do and we hadn't even responded to the first volley.  It was a bloodless coup. They waited us out. Those motherfuckers.

E-Scripts is Stalking Me

A few weeks ago E-Scripts cancelled my refill order for my anti-depressants. Twice. It wasn't even their fault.  It was my doctor's office's failure to respond to the requests for approval that caused the problem.  Regardless, E-Scripts is feeling guilty and now they send me three emails a day to let me know the status of my order, it's location and it's mood for the day.  "Your order is in the warehouse eagerly awaiting the arrival of UPS"  It's the email equivalent of sitting in the ER next to an overzealous candy-striper who keeps patting your shoulder and saying "There, here, it'll be okay."

p.s. Alice hid my right slipper yesterday and I still haven't found it.  The left slipper was in her favorite hiding spot, the middle of the sun room. Her second favorite hiding spot is the middle of the family room and her third favorite spot is the middle of the beach shack (read: the room that was supposed to be the formal living room but is instead the boys' game room). If she keeps this up, I'm going to rent her out to hide Easter eggs next year.

p.s.s. One of the t.v.'s at the gym was showing a video of a guy rock climbing naked.  Is this a thing now?

p.s.s.s. Also at the gym this guy whistled at his wife/girlfriend to come over to him and she came over.  wtf? My dogs don't do that consistently.  Abbey/Alice, "Just wait a minute! Someone really interesting shit over here."

Looking for a New Project?

Do you have some time on your hands and need a project??  Here ya go:

Worked in garter stitch with DK yarn on size 7 needles.

Instructions:

1. Cast on 1 stitch. KFB.

2. (And every wrong-side row) Knit across.

3. (And every right-side row) KFB, knit across to last stitch, KFB.

Continue for about 4 inches, or to size. Cast off, and use cast-off tail to tack the front corners together. Apply to your chicken and admire.

Can you figure out what it is?  Need help?

It's a Shawl.  For your chicken.  

A Chicken Shawl.

Chicken Shawl.

I'm pretty sure this is why the terrorists hate us.

Bet you don't miss this, Laurie!

This is where I live.  I'm outside shoveling bark.  The boys have spread it around most of the front yard, so I'm finishing up the small part of the side yard that still needs covered.  This couple walks by.   It's Thursday morning and neither are at work.  From the way they are dressed, they've clearly been out for a walk.  He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She'd donning her best Lululemon yoga gear.  The guy looks over at me, smiles and says, "Good morning."  The lady doesn't even turn her head to acknowledge my existence.  Probably thought I was the help.  Gotta love these nouveau riche women.  All the money without all that pesky etiquette training.