This is it:
It has quite a few tricky categories, like 'A book you were supposed to read in school but didn't'. Weeeeell, what if you read all the books you were supposed to because you were scared of getting in trouble? Huh? Did they think of that? I guess not. And 'A book you started but never finished'? The only times that I've stopped reading a book is because it sucked. Now you want me to read a book that sucks? That's just mean. So it takes some thinking and planning. I could read James Michener (initials J.M. like mine) but shouldn't I count that as 'a book over 500 pages'? It's tricky.
This week, Lydia sent out a request for suggestions in the categories she was having trouble with. She got a huge response and I was among the respondents. Boy oh boy, do I have book suggestions. "A book set in high school"? You have to read Pretty Little Liars. It's a total guilty pleasure; like sneaking cake before dinner. It's about these four beautiful, rich, east coast girls who make horrible decisions. And their parents are Awful. It's the type of book that makes you talk out loud, "Oh...Oh no....Oh, she wouldn't. Don't! D...Oh, she did." Then you could read the second one and it would count as a 'Book Turned into a t.v. Show'.
'A book based entirely on its cover'? Done that. A Memoir? I know a couple, all written by comedians. Ditto on the nonfiction. A book that scares you? I read one where the crazy guy next door would hide in the walls and spy on the heroine. I had to sleep with the lights on. A book that makes you cry? I got nothing. I don't read sad books. I don't even read books that are too poignant. Who needs that?
So I added my suggestions then went back and read the others. I quickly came to realize that I was the People Magazine of book recommendations. The Dodge Dart. I was Velveeta. I didn't know that people actually read James Joyce outside of an academic setting. King Lear? Fuck off. The last trilogy that I read was The Strain. Yes, the vampire one they turned into a t.v. show. But I read the books first! And I have graphic novels. Not a lot, mind you, but a few and oh my god, one set is The Strain. This is getting embarrassing. I need to start reading more books written by dead people.
Then I started feeling this immense pressure that I alone was keeping these pulp fiction writers in business. Is no one else reading Stuart MacBride? Am I the only one keeping the Scottish Serial Killer genre alive? Maybe I should read two books for each category. I can't switch to dead authors. The dead authors are doing fine and until high schools start offering classes in 21st Century Science Fiction, the weigh falls firmly onto me. I'm already slowly killing the printed word by reading everything on Kindle. I can't take anymore. Besides, a dead author has never made me laugh so hard I almost fell off the treadmill at the gym. That, ladies and gentlemen, is writing.
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