B+ Mom: Saturday afternoon at JoAnn's

So John and I made the fatal mistake of going to JoAnn's on a Saturday afternoon three weeks before Halloween. John, "Couldn't you do this during the week? I mean, you don't work." Me, "Yes, but we're already here." John, "We could change that."

I should clarify that John didn't intend to go to JoAnn's. He went next door to the grocery store. And he was in there so long that he thought for sure he'd get back to the car and find me standing there pissed off. But I wasn't so he wandered into JoAnn's out of amazement really. (I should also clarify that I don't sew but I found out my friend, Deb, does so I'm making her sew shit for me.)

I was at the Cut Counter. The Cut Counter at JoAnn's is what I imagine a Methadone Clinic to look like. 30 people loitering around, glassy-eyed, not talking to anyone and if you do try to talk to someone they get all squirrelly. Half the people don't know what they're doing so they're up at the counter waaaay longer than they should be. And the clerks are all cranky. Or waaay to talkative. Frankly I prefer cranky.

John walks up and I'm rockin' number 32. The counter is currently helping number 19.

John, "What the fuck?!"

John, "That counter isn't right, is it?"

Me, "Yeah but it was at 14 when I got here and they're moving pretty fast."

John, "Why can't we cut it ourselves?"

Me, "All hell would break loose. There would be blood."

John, "No, really why can't we cut our own?"

Me, "You have to have the inventory scanner-thingie to get the slip with the yardage and price."

John, "What the fuck..."

5 minutes later....

John, "Wait a minute...is she going on break?....what the fuck....."

John, "What is this fabric for anyway?"

Me, "Two are for Abbey's Halloween costume and the other is for her new pillow."

John, "We're standing here for the dog?!?"

5 minutes later....

We're standing next to three high school cheerleaders (I'm assuming) and all their Halloween costume paraphernalia.

John, "What do you think the fringe is for?"

Me, "Cowboys and Indians?"

John, "Ahhh. Oh look, they're up."

Me, "And they don't know what they're doing so it's going to take forever."

John, "Holy shit, they're measuring each other."

Me, "Yeah and they're doing it wrong."

John, "Shhh, leave them alone, they're doing fine......"

5 minutes later....

John ducks outside to crack the windows in the car so the boys don't suffocate. When he gets back, 4 of the cutters are standing around, cackling at each other, and not cutting any one's fabric.

John, "What'd I miss?"

Me, "The Great Scissor Debate of 2013. Apparently Mabel tried to take Gloria's scissors. One of the pairs of scissors is not as good as the others and no one wants to get stuck with them and it's all very funny."

John, "We should come here drunk."

5 minutes later.....

They're up to number 30.

John, "You're almost up. Better get loose."

So I start bouncing on my feet, shaking out my arms and shoulders. Cracking my neck.

Lady next to me, "You going in?"

Me, "I'm going in."

And they call number 32.

We rush to the counter. I slap down my bolts of fabric and push two towards the cutting lady.

Me: "I need a yard of each."

Cutter: "Hey, hey, hey." <shoving one back at me> "I can only do one at a time."

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to confuse you."

John: "Easy there killer. One at a time."

Me: "I dare you to climb on the counter and lay down."

John: "Does she have the good scissors?"

Cutter is pissed. Apparently has noooo sense of humor.

But we make it out alive with our cut fabric and little slip of paper. There was, shockingly, no line at the registers so I walk right up. As the cashier is ringing up my purchases, two high schoolers get in line and the guy is carrying a bolt of fleece. I can only assume he's going to be a Teddy Bear to her Miley Cyrus. The cashier tells them they need to get the fabric cut at the cut counter. That's right, junior. There's no skippin' the Cut Counter.