That Dove is Killing Me

So we have this dove living out front.  She found this great spot and proceeded to build the worst fucking nest in the history of birds.  It was four sticks thrown on the ledge.  Homeless people live better then this bird.  I'd been watching her for a while and I reached my limit during the week of middle school orientation.  Here I've got two boys  heading off to middle school and then they'll move out, at which point the dog will probably die and I'm freaking out.  And this stupid bird is dangling eggs off her ledge, mindlessly thinking everything is going to be just fine.  Well, it's not BIRD, it's not all just fine!!

Here's the resulting text string with John and my friend Lisa:

Me:  I've got a serious bird nest problem.  It is way too

 close to the edge ant it needs pushed back. 

 But she won't move.

Lisa:  It's survival of the fittest man.  DON'T MESS WITH DARWIN!  Besides if you touch the nest she may not want to use it again.  You filthy, untrustworthy human.

John:  If we fuck with it, she may abandon the nest.  Or is that just eagles?

Me: Oh sure, you're telling this to the mom whose kids

 are all leaving her to go to middle school.  If those

 fucking eggs don't hatch, I'll lose it.  

I can't take much more.

John:  She's a good mom.
John:  She hardly ever drinks or gets hookers up there.

Lisa:  The only thing you can do is drink and pray to the alcohol gods...

Me:  We're moving the nest so just get your head around it.

Lisa: You've been warned...

Me: It just needs pushed back a couple of inches. 

 You can wear gloves.

Lisa: ME?! I want to part of nature's wrath.  Use a spatula or something - DON'T TOUCH IT I SAY! She doesn't want your opposable thumb STANK in her nest.  You can't get that smell out....

30 minutes later

Lisa:  Can we come over earlier? Madi has been asking me "is it time to go yet, can we go now, when will it be 5:30?!?"  SINCE I PICKED HER UP FROM SCHOOL AT 11:50.  Shoot me now.

Me: Sure whenever

Lisa:  Be there at 4:30....I owe my life to you....Madi owes hers too :)

Me: And you'll repay me by moving a bird nest.

Lisa: Fuck.

But the doves survived and they got big really fast.    I had to google "how fast do doves grow" just to make sure that some gang of cannibalistic doves hadn't moved in and eaten the poor little things.  But they were fine.  Eggs to flying off in 2 weeks.

Then the next week, there's our dove in the back yard gathering twigs.

John:  Is that our bird?
Me:  I think so.
John: What's it doing?
Me: Gathering sticks for a new nest.
John:  A new nest?
John: I think our bird's a whore.