Great Mysteries of Life

The boys are at my Mom's so John and I went to see World War Z.  Good Flick!  So it starts out with Brad Pitt and that chick from the Killing and their kids, all happy and having a great life.  But Brad has to go save the world and they're sad cause they luuuv each other.  And John leans over as says,

John: "Just once I'd like to see a married couple who fucking hate each other.  Fine, go chase zombies, asshole!  I hope you fucking die!"

Me:  "Or ugly people.  How come ugly people never save the world?

two hours later

Me:  "Where were all the fat zombies?"

It's a mystery...

I'm not sure how to feel about this....

So I took the boys to the airport this morning for their first solo flight to Grandma's house.  Well, to Grandma's airport, but you follow me, right?  I was walking out of the terminal feeling a little verklempt because, like the doves in the front yard, the babies are flying away.  <sniff sniff>  And I walked passed this mural on the terminal wall.  It was kinda old school, with pictures of old planes and travel signs.  Very cool collage.  Until I noticed that one of the larger pictures was of Amelia Earhart.  Who died In A PLANE CRASH.  And was NEVER SEEN AGAIN!  Who chose that picture?!  Is 10:05 in the morning too early for a drink?

High Finance

Every once in a while John likes to have a discussion about our financial future.  The latest one went something like this....

John:  "Do you ever wonder what would happen if one of us died?"

Me:  "Oh, sure.  But mainly you."

John:  "I'm serious."

Me:  "So am I."

John:  "If you died, the childcare aspect would be the biggest struggle."

Me:  "Not to mention your dry cleaning.  That shit isn't going to walk itself home."

John:  "I'm being serious.  If I died, my life insurance would keep you going for several years until you got your feet on the ground and found a job."

Me:  "I haven't worked in 12 years.  What kind of job could I find?  What I need is a payout that will set me up for the next 30 years, not just "several".  And not some city government you-got-hit-by-a-bus payout.  I'm talking private industry payout.  Like UPS.  You know why you never hear about someone getting killed by a UPS truck?  It's because they swoop in and throw a whole bunch of money at you.  But the really big payouts are the airline crashes.  And you fly a lot so that's working in our favor.  It's calculated on 'seconds of terror' or something.  You could put up with 15-16 seconds of terror, right?  It's for the kids."

John:  <blink>  <blink>

John:  "I'm sure your mom would come and help."

Me: "She doesn't have any money."

John:  <silence>

John:  "Or...we....could raise my life insurance....some more.  That could hold you for a few more years."

Me:  "Sure, cause folks are lining up to hire unemployed women in their fifties.  But I could find a way to quietly kill you.  There are all kinds of poisons that dissipate right after death.  I've probably got a few in the herb garden without even knowing it.  There'd be rumor and suspicion but they'd never be able to prove anything."

John:   <stare>

Me:  "What?!?  I read a lot of crime fiction.  Agatha Christie's always poisoning someon....."

Me:  "Where are you going??"

My Favorite On-Line News Article of the Month

Headline:  Police Halt Online Sale of Coffin

The Problem:  The seller "neglected to mention the full skeleton inside"

surprise!

New Math

So I went over to my friends house, who has three girls.  They were quietly sitting around the family room, painting their nails.  And I asked myself, "What amazing and wondrous world have I stumbled upon?"   No one was yelling.  No one had a stick.  No one was reading Japanese comics to me.  Then I thought, "Waaait a miiiinute.  I know how to paint my nails!  I've done it before.  I could do it again.  When did I stop painting my nails???" And I left inspired.

I bought pretty purple nail polish and went home.   I painted my toe nails.  I painted Abbey's toe nails.  We looked amazing.  Then the boys and I watched The Wolf Man.  (The one with Lon Chaney Jr.  Not that mess with Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins)

And here's what I learned:

My Painted Toe Nails

+ Abbey's Painted Toe Nails

+ The Wolf Man Movie

= Realllllllly Weird Dreams!!!!!!

By the way, it took John 4 days to notice that I'd painted the dog's nails.  He'd say, "but I was gone for two of the days!"  But I'd respond, "yeah but you were rolling around on the floor with her for the other two days!"

Abbey's Day at the Beach

Abbey is a desert dog but she looooves the beach.  Everything except the water that is...

Me: "Come on Abbey, we're going to the beach!"
Abbey: <dancing around> we'regoingtothebeach!we'regoingtothebeach!we'regoingtothebeach!we'regoingtothebeach!
<more dancing>
Me: "Abbey, get in the car"
Abbey: oh, yeah

60 minutes later...

Abbey: <yawn> <stretch> where are we? what are we doing? can i come? can i come? can i come? can i come? she's got the leash!!!! yyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
Me: "Abbey, sit still. I can't get your leash on unless you sit still."
Abbey: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

5 minutes later...

Abbey: oh that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good and that smells good
Me, tugging on leash: "Can we please get out of the parking lot?"

Finally on the beach....

Abbey:  Oh, sand!  <poop>
Me:  "Shit"
Abbey:  yes. yes, I did.
Me: "John, do you want to get a poop bag or guard the poop?
Abbey: that's right, that's our poop, go get your own poop, grrr

Let the relaxing begin....

Abbey: oh, I love the beach, I love the sand, I love how so many things smell dead....
Abbey:  aaaaahhhhhh, the water came at me, you saw that, it came right at me, it's trying to get me
Head down, hackles raised
Abbey:  okay, okay, it's going away, everything's okay, phew, that was close, everybody okay?
Abbey: oh my god it's coming baaaaaack, make it stop! make it stop! make it stop! let's sit farther back, okay?

10 minutes later....

Abbey:  oh, there's a fun dog, he's running around and having fun, maybe I'll run around and have fun with him, he looks nice and he's got a ball.......OHMYGOD, they threw his ball in the water!!! who would do that??? bad bad people, aaaahhhhhh, the water's got him, he's in the water, he's in the water, what do we do? what do we do? what do we do?
Abbey: oh wait, he's out, he's out of the water and he still has his ball, oh that's good, just stay away from those bad bad peo....THEY THREW IT IN THE WATER AGAIN!! Do something, do something, would you wake up and do something...
Abbey: oh no wait, it's okay, it's okay..
Abbey: NO IT'S NOT!! THEY DID IT AGAIN!..

Me: "Abbey, would you lay down?" "Fine, I'll take you off the leash, go chase the boys"

Abbey: run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff run run run sniff sniff sniff

2 hours later, walking to the car.....

Abbey:  This was the best day every, there's never been a day as good as this, nothing could every be this good. Wait! It's a DEAD SEAGULL!!
Me:  DROP IT!!!

It started out as such a nice evening....

So John and I were watching tv and a potato bug crawled across the floor.  I freaked.  No, that's not accurate.  I FREAKED!!!

Me:  "WHAT'S THAT?!?! WHAT'S THAT!?!?! WHAT'S THAT?!?!?!"
John: "Stop yelling, you're going to wake the bo......What the fuck!!"

It was the size of a mouse.  The scorpions in Arizona were smaller.  The cockroaches were smaller.  The chihuahuas were smaller.

John smacked it with a magazine and it looked at him like, "Are you kidding me with that?"

Then Abbey tried to eat it.
Me: "Get away!  Get away!  Get away!  Get away!"
Abbey:  I'll shake it till it's dead
Me: "DROP IT!!!!"
Abbey: Aw, man.

John hit it again and it crawled under the couch.

John:  "Push the couch over! Wrong way, wrong way!!  IT'S HEADING YOUR WAY!!"

I screamed and jumped up on the couch.

Me: "Where'd it go?"
John: "Back under the couch.  I think it's getting a cigarette."
Potato Bug: stupid humans. Where'd I put my lighter?

So John pushed the couch around trying to get at the hell-bug while I was crouched on the arm offering helpful advice.  "Kill It!" "Kill It!" "Kill It!"  After the fourth smack, John started to get concerned.  Could it be killed?  Would we have to move? Would we have to disclose the potato bug when we sold the house?  He traded the magazine for a shoe and smacked several more times.

Me: "Is it dead?"
John: "I don't know"
Me: "What?"
John: "I DON'T KNOW"
So he put it down the garbage disposal.

It took a glass of wine and half a xanax to calm down.

Here's a pic of the lovely thing.  Don't ask me who the crazy person is that decided to set up a photo shoot rather than kill the fucker.

Now that's more like it

Heard from behind Tom's bedroom door:

YOU CHEATED!!!
NO, I DIDN'T!!!
GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!
YOU SUCK!!!
I HATE YOU!!!

Ahhhh, they're back....

First Day of Summer Vacation

So for the last couple of weeks the boys have been bickering and arguing horribly.  Or I guess I should say they've been bickering and arguing fantastically because, really, they were doing a great job of it.  So, well done, them!  But it's been driving me nuts and making me quite concerned about the 10 weeks of family-time we had staring us in the face.  But when I woke up this morning, it was pleasantly peaceful in the house.  The boys were up, had eaten and were quietly playing this new card game they're into.  I sat down, had my coffee, read my book, and listened to them talking politely to each other and generally getting along just swimmingly.  And it COMPLETED FREAKED ME OUT!  I think they're robots.  This town is filled with Stepford Students.  Maybe it's finally happened to me.  Someone has replaced them with robot copies or maybe they're pod-people.  We did just watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  I don't know which but they're scaring the shit out of me.

This kind of thing only happens in California

So I was in the school today and apparently they didn't have a volunteer waiver form on file for me.  I'm at the school all the time but it just came up because I'm chaperoning the 5th grade party tomorrow.  So I thought they brought it to my attention as a joke.

Me: hahahaha

Office lady: we need one on file. You can fax it in.

Me: but....there's...only eight and a half hours of school left....for the year.  

California, where bureaucracy is king and paperwork its scanky little mistress. 

They didn't cover this in the National Geographic video

So the principal stopped me yesterday.  He had been out on the playground during recess and this 5th grade girl came over to him with two ladybugs on her finger.  "Mr. Haar! Look! This ladybug is giving the other ladybug a piggyback ride!" Sam was standing there too and said, "Yeeeaahhh, I don't think that's what they're doing."  Then she got all panicky because the ladybug on top was shaking a whole bunch and wouldn't get off the ladybug on the bottom.  So she said, "I think I need to go see Mrs. Sawires"  (she's the science teacher)  At this point Tom pipes in.  Now Tom only talks at one volume and it's around a 6.  And he'll say the same thing over and over.  (Could be an Asperger's thing or it could be a Dawson thing because my family can be rather loud and, you never know, maybe they didn't hear you the first time.)   So Tom says, "I THINK THEY'RE MATING.   I THINK THEY'RE MATING.  I THINK THEY'RE MATING.  I THINK THEY'RE MATING."  This is when Mr. Haar, recognizing he'd lost control of the situation, said "I think the ladybugs are fine" and walked away.

This was all rather timely because the 5th graders watched the puberty video last week and all I could think (after I stopped laughing) was, "Oh my god, they were actually paying attention!!"

Mother of the Year, once again

So I got a phone call from the school, "Hello, Mrs Moore. Everything's fine but we wanted to let you know that Sam fell down on the playground and cut his chin.  It was bleeding pretty good for a while there and he was wiping his hands on his shorts so you might want to bring in a clean pair if you get a chance."

Me:  Did he bleed all over his brand new shorts?!  I just bought those!

Office Lady:  (laughing) You may be missing the bigger picture here.

Me:  Why is it those kids can only bleed on stuff that's white or new?!

Office Lady: (still laughing) Mrs. Moore?

Me:  I'll be there in a few minutes.

Office Lady: Thank you, Mrs Moore.

Squirrel Patrol

Grrrrr!
Ba-gock!

Happiness is a Warm Chicken

So last night was my last PTA meeting as president so my friends gave me a lovely bottle of wine.  Later as my wine was chilling, there was a knock on the door.  Now, if you haven't read The Bloggess, you need to read:

http://thebloggess.com/

or google "knock knock motherfucker"

Thanks to my awesome friends, I had my very own "knock knock motherfucker" moment!!

You know you have great friends when they chip in to buy you a giant metal cock!  Go ahead and make your own "come" joke now.  Tina may have framed the picture like that on purpose; I wouldn't put it past her.

And it turns out that Quincy has the same taste in television as I do so later that evening we watched Orphan Black.

He makes me so happy that I want to take him everywhere.  I just can't figure out how to get him into the passenger seat without smashing the windshield....

DUDE

We had a pizza party for the kindergartens because they won Penny Wars.  (Yes, that's a real thing)  The whole process took about 20 minutes but by the time it was over,  I came to realize that I must say "dude" an awful lot.  I remember all the "What are you doing's" and "Sit down's" and the "Oh my god, stop yelling's'  but not so much the 'dudes' that accompanied them.  In my defense, it's not like I was going to learn all of there names and most of them just stare at you when you ask them questions.  Kinda like the dog.  Although she is rapt on my every word and they really didn't give a shit.

By the time it was all over, I could hear these little squeaky voices saying, "Dude, it's time to go back to class", "You better get in line, dude.", "This was the best day ever, dude!"  I was so proud, I started to tear up.

I just hope one of them went home and said to their mom, "Jeez, dude, chill out."   Then my work here would be complete.

That Dove is Killing Me

So we have this dove living out front.  She found this great spot and proceeded to build the worst fucking nest in the history of birds.  It was four sticks thrown on the ledge.  Homeless people live better then this bird.  I'd been watching her for a while and I reached my limit during the week of middle school orientation.  Here I've got two boys  heading off to middle school and then they'll move out, at which point the dog will probably die and I'm freaking out.  And this stupid bird is dangling eggs off her ledge, mindlessly thinking everything is going to be just fine.  Well, it's not BIRD, it's not all just fine!!

Here's the resulting text string with John and my friend Lisa:

Me:  I've got a serious bird nest problem.  It is way too

 close to the edge ant it needs pushed back. 

 But she won't move.

Lisa:  It's survival of the fittest man.  DON'T MESS WITH DARWIN!  Besides if you touch the nest she may not want to use it again.  You filthy, untrustworthy human.

John:  If we fuck with it, she may abandon the nest.  Or is that just eagles?

Me: Oh sure, you're telling this to the mom whose kids

 are all leaving her to go to middle school.  If those

 fucking eggs don't hatch, I'll lose it.  

I can't take much more.

John:  She's a good mom.
John:  She hardly ever drinks or gets hookers up there.

Lisa:  The only thing you can do is drink and pray to the alcohol gods...

Me:  We're moving the nest so just get your head around it.

Lisa: You've been warned...

Me: It just needs pushed back a couple of inches. 

 You can wear gloves.

Lisa: ME?! I want to part of nature's wrath.  Use a spatula or something - DON'T TOUCH IT I SAY! She doesn't want your opposable thumb STANK in her nest.  You can't get that smell out....

30 minutes later

Lisa:  Can we come over earlier? Madi has been asking me "is it time to go yet, can we go now, when will it be 5:30?!?"  SINCE I PICKED HER UP FROM SCHOOL AT 11:50.  Shoot me now.

Me: Sure whenever

Lisa:  Be there at 4:30....I owe my life to you....Madi owes hers too :)

Me: And you'll repay me by moving a bird nest.

Lisa: Fuck.

But the doves survived and they got big really fast.    I had to google "how fast do doves grow" just to make sure that some gang of cannibalistic doves hadn't moved in and eaten the poor little things.  But they were fine.  Eggs to flying off in 2 weeks.

Then the next week, there's our dove in the back yard gathering twigs.

John:  Is that our bird?
Me:  I think so.
John: What's it doing?
Me: Gathering sticks for a new nest.
John:  A new nest?
John: I think our bird's a whore.