That's my boy...

So we tried out this new pub.  Well, new to us; it's been there forever but anyway.  As we were walking out, John turned around and went back inside presumably because he forgot something on the table. This happens quite frequently.  The man seriously needs a purse.

Sam, "What did he forget?  His phone?  His glasses?  His dignity?"

Oh, how I've missed you....

So we're in Costco and Sam kept tweaking and fiddling with my upper arm.

Me, "Stop, what are you doing?!?"

Sam, "I want to Bingo Slap you."

Me, "What???"

Sam, "Bingo Slap...Bingo wings...."

Me, "What???"

Sam, "It's when someone is holding out their arm and you run by and slap the skin that hangs down and it wobbles all over."

Me, "You're walking home."

My week without the boys

Sent the boys up to my mom's last friday so I decided to tackle their bathroom.  It's circa 1989 and not in a good way.

Monday: Cleaned out the bathroom cabinet.  Lost count at 7 toothpaste tubes squeezed empty and thrown back into the cabinet. whhaa???  Maybe I should get a garbage can for their bathroom so they don't have to walk all the way across the house to use the one in the kitchen.  Oh, wait, there is a garbage can in their bathroom.  It's right next to the toilet.  My friend stopped by with her 4th grade daughter and her daughter's friend.  I asked the little girl, "What do you do when you empty your toothpaste tube?"  She said, "Uh...throw it in the garbage."  "RIGHT!"  Jeez...boys....

Tuesday: Painted the cabinet and put really cool contact paper on the drawers.  Saw this on Pinterest and it didn't involve a barn door so take note.

(Found faucets and as of sunday they are still in the boxes.  Bet they sit on the floor for the next month.)

I should quit now. Nothing's gonna top this.

Wednesday: Took down the nasty medicine cabinet and the massive mirror above the sinks.  John and I managed to the huge thing outside without breaking it or severing an artery.  Wow, even I'm impressed.  I should definitely stop now.

Started taking down the wallpaper.  It came off really easy.  Wait, nope, that's just the front. All the backing and glue are still on the wall.  shit.

Thursday: Still stripping wallpaper.  shit.  Pretty sure it was the first thing the builders did after the house was framed up.  It was behind the mirror, the light fixtures, the medicine cabinet, the bathroom cabinet..... it's everywhere....I see it I'm my dreams.

Friday:  Have the wallpaper off two walls.  Two.  But I was able to get one wall partially painted to decide if I could use the paint from the hallway or if new painted was needed.  I've been to the hardware store five times in four day so it looks fucking amazing.

Saturday: I hurt all over.  Bathroom is a freaking mess.  Out of time.  Basically spent the whole week making a mess and all I have to show for it is the above picture.  Well done, me.

Welcome Home, Boys!!

Are You Wearing Spanx?

John, "It's a COMPLIMENT!"

Me, "Not REALLY!"

And thus began the Great Debate of 2014.....

I'm gonna miss that kid

The boys are flying up to their grandma's house this morning for 10 days.  Yoohoo!  John was taking them to the airport so we were having our mock-dramatic good-byes in the driveway.

Me, "My babiiiies are leeeaaavinggggggg"
Tom, "I'm gonna miss you!  Promise you'll call and yell at me at least once!"

Green means Go, Always

So I was driving to the store yesterday.  Things were going well until I got behind a guy in a  gold Honda Accord who slowed down, almost to a stop, at a green light.  Green.  I had to honk at him twice before he sped up and drove through the still green light.  Then he did it again.

?????

Green means go.  Everybody knows that. They don't even teach it in Driver Ed because everyone already knows it.  It took my little backseat drivers until age 4 to figure that out Green means Go.  They'd sit back there in their car seats, roll their eyes and yell "GO-ooooo" to  the car in front of us.  Had this guy never played "Red Light, Green Light, 1-2-3"?  Didn't he have the Fisher Price Garage? Or Mario Kart?  Has he never been on a train?  Or crossed the street?  "Green means Go" is probably the only life lesson that has been seamlessly passed from generation to generation.  And it's the same in every country.  In. The. World.  You'll never end up in some seldom-visited archipelago and have to remember to Stop on Magenta and Go on the symbol for Boron.  In fact Europe wants us to change our exit signs because they're red and, you know what, they have a point.  So why we were having so much trouble driving to Target?

And all of this lead me to one undeniable conclusion, the guy in front of me, driving the gold Honda Accord, was an alien.

I'm calling Mulder.  The truth is in front of me.

It's so much clearer now....

So I came rushing home from the gym this morning to take the boys to camp.  When I walked in the door, the boys were dressed but not ready to go, naturally.  So I'm trying to hurry them along and Sam is following me around, hemming and hawing like he does when he has something to say but doesn't want to say it for whatever reason.  Finally I stopped and said, "Sam, spit it out!"

Sam, "ahhhh, it's Alice...."
Me, "Did she poop on the floor again?!"

Hearing her name, Alice came trotting over.

Sam, "uhhhh, no......uhhh.....she was.....<whispers>humping a pillow"
Me, <looking down at Alice> "That's nasty.  Now come on, we gotta go."
Alice <wagging tail>

Same, "No, Mom, she was..." and then he starts demonstrating for me.

Me, <trying desperately not to roll my eyes> "Yes, Sam, I know what humping is. Thank you."

It was like that scene in Parenthood, where Keanu Reeves is explaining Joaquin Phoenix's problem to Dianne Wiest.

Keanu, "See, he had his first boner..." Then he stops and says, "Do you know what a boner is?"
And Dianne deadpans, "If memory serves."

Here my life is imitating a Keanu Reeves movie and I'm Dianne Wiest.  That's just sad.