Friday the 13th

Everyone knows that Friday the 13th is an unlucky day but no one warns you about Thursday the 12th.  Thursday the 12th is just as much, if not even more, unlucky then the Friday the 13th.  It's the day that you need to go to JoAnn's because you just found out about The Pink Pussy Hat project. If you don't know what The Pink Pussy Hat Project is, well, let me tell you.  It's a play on the pussy cat hat. People are making them to wear during the Million Mom March that takes place the day after the Inauguration. You can google all of this.  Anyway, I know someone who's going to the march so I want to make  hats for her and her friends to wear and/or give to others.  What does all of this mean? It means I need pink yarn and I need it now.  I only have a week to knit as many hats as possible so times a wastin'.

On the morning of Thursday the 12th, I went to the gym and then rushed to JoAnn's to get yarn.  When I got there, I had to pee really bad so I rushed to the bathroom at the back of the store.  It was then that, in some cosmic twist of luck, as I turned to flush the toilet, my key fob fell out of my pocket and into the toilet.
 <SPLOOSH>
<fuuuuuucccckkkkkkk>

And there I stood, staring at my key fob sitting at the bottom of a bowl of urine. Well, there's no other way around this, looks like it's time to get a new car.

John, "What did you do?"
Me, "I fished it out."
John, "With you hand?"
Me, "Yes, with my hand, how else? Then I rinsed it off in the sink"
John, "You rinsed it off?!?!"
Me, "In case it hadn't been submerged in enough water, I thought a little more should do the trick."
John, "Those things are electronic!"
Me, "I KNOW IT'S ELECTRONIC. IT WAS ALSO COATED IN URINE!!"

I didn't use soap though, because although soap seemed like a good idea, soap just didn't seem like a good idea. If you follow me. I dried it off thoroughly, at least the outside. The inside was the real concern but how, oh how, can you dry the inside of a key fob?  I know, I'll pop out the faux-key and shake out whatever liquid I can over top of my shoes.  What's a little more urine among friends? Then I got my yarn.  Sure, I could have gone straight out to the parking lot to see if the key still worked but I didn't. I got my yarn thinking it will either work or not, 10 more minutes wouldn't change that. And if it doesn't work, I'll call John and then go next door to Sprouts and buy a bag of rice.  That's what do you with wet electronics, right? Put them in a bag of rice?

The key worked. Hurrah. I got home and went straight to the pantry just to discover that we didn't have any rice.  No rice...rice, rice, rice......how about oatmeal? That's kinda the same thing. So I put my urine marinated key fob in a bag of oatmeal and sat down to knit.

Now every time I approach the car, part of me expects the fob to crap out. And my fingers are aching from all the furious knitting. And, really, if you think about it, this is all Trump's fault. God, I hate that ass.

Let me know if you want a Pink Pussy Hat.  I thought they were weird looking but after the fourth one, they start to grow on you....

That's My Boy

The other day, in a post Christmas attempt to get something new to work, Sam was at the kitchen counter.  I'm not sure what he was fiddling with; I was at the table eating and reading a book. John walked by and asked if he could help.

John, "Where are the instructions?"
Sam, "I don't know."
John, "You didn't read the instructions?"
Sam, "I'm a Dawson."
John, <looking over at me> "What does that mean?"
Me, <still reading and through a mouthful of bagel>" Instructions are for pussies."
Sam, "That."

I think that's what you call irony...

I got a Thundershirt for Alice, the nervous white dog, but the velcro scares the shit out of her.

Me, "come over here, this will make you feel nice and snug and safe and..."
<rrrrrriiiippppp>
Alice, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" and runs away with her tail between her legs.

Holiday To-Do List

Let's see, how are we looking so far.....

• Trim the tree and house.  That's done. Although half the decorations are still boxed up in the garage and there is a constant layer of clutter on the counters and tabletops...but that's okay because...I was really going for a....more....minimalist...and.....organic look this year.  Yup, definitely minimalistic and quite organic.  Check.
• Gifts. Gifts, gifts, gifts.....I'm 87% confident that all the gift buying has been accomplished. It's a strong 87; maybe 88. If you happen to fall into that other 12-13% then clearly we share a love so pure that it cannot be encapsulated in a crude gift box and you're welcome for that. Check
• Christmas dinner. okay...so far we have broccoli and a head of cauliflower....well...that should be delicious.,,,Perhaps we can find some sort of meat product at the grocery store....have to look into that...next
• Dessert. I told the guys that I'd make a cake so I definitely need to get going on that...oh, but I didn't plan a Christmas Eve dessert and they've pretty much eaten through the earlier holiday baking but I'm already making a cake and we certainly can't finish an entire cake in one sitting so we'll have the cake for both Christmas Eve and Christmas day....nicely done there...of course that means I'll have to make it earlier...where's that recipe...step one: chop and toast pecans...well that's not happening...grocery store should have pre chopped pecans, wonder if they have pre-toasted as well...have to check on that....next.
• Party Dress. Well I've nailed this one because I found two party dresses and according to my To-Do List, I needed zero party dresses, that puts me 200% above expectations. Exceptional work done there but let's not rest on our laurels just yet....
• Man in the High Castle Season 2.  I started re-watching season 1 of Man in the High Castle to brush up on the major plot points so we can start watching season 2...we seem to be on track for that....it was down on the list somewhere....huh, it's not on the list....that's odd.....I'll just add it to the bottom so I can check it off....there. Check
• What else do we have on the calendar.  Dec 23, 2:30 pm, I seem to have scheduled some dental work for Tom.  That was thoughtful of me....he can have a tooth drilled before we go see Beauty and the Beast....just lovely....maybe I can get John in for a quick prostrate exam as well....you know, I worry about your health because I love you....again, you're welcome.
• Christmas Eve Party at Chris's house...said I'd make something for that....let's see....I'll make a couple bottles of alcohol.. big Check there.....
• And look what else I found time to hide in John's underwear drawer.

 Just tell me those medals don't look like sparkly, sparkly scales.
It may be christmas but we must not forget the whimsy of the season

And that seems to be it. Well, done all around, I think.  Well done, indeed.

You know what's great? Oregon. Oregon is great.

I've been driving around on fumes for a few days now and figured it was time to finally fill up the tank before then needle dove straight through the 'E' and swung back up to the 'F' and I forgot that I needed gas.  So I dropped the kids at school and headed off to the gym.  The first gas station is about 3 blocks from the school but I drove straight past that one because it's a pain to get in and out of.  It sits on a corner and both of the roads that border it are divided with meridians so you have to turn right when leaving the lot and it turns out that I never need to turn right at that corner. Sure, I could just turn right then drive a bit until I can make a u-turn but that's a pain in the ass. The next gas station is maybe 1/2 mile farther and is still on the way to the gym so I stopped there.

I pulled into the lot and there were 16 beautiful pumps just waiting for me.  I pulled up to the first and there was a little white note taped to the screen that read 'Cash Only'. Huh? Well, that's not going to work so I pulled to the next one. Same little sign, "Cash Only'. Okay, I'll try the other side. More and more little white notes.  16 little white notes requesting cash. Is this a joke? We made it through Y2K and now nothing works?  Really?  You may as well tell me that I have to barter with livestock. 'So, how many gallons for a chicken? And, yes, sir, she's a mighty fine layer!' Jesus christ, cash.
So I drove to the gym on the very last of my fumes, the whole time thinking, "cash? It's the end of civilization, that's what this is..." fucking cash.

I don't even like pumping gas and now they're making it harder for me. Really? This is part of the reason that I want an electric car. No more pumping gas.  It's also why I started teaching the boys how to pump gas. I've been pumping gas for 36 years. I'm over it. I have gotten all I can out of this experience and there's nothing left to the relationship. I'm sorry, pump, but it's time we moved on. I lived in Oregon for a year and there you weren't allowed to pump your own gas. Now, I know what you're thinking because I thought the same thing. For about two weeks. Then I realized how perfectly amazing it was to have someone else pump your gas.  That's right, two short weeks and I stopped caring that the gas cost a little more. How cares? I can sit here in my nice warm/cool/dry car and let someone else deal with it. AND, they clean the windshield! Sure, I can pump gas. I can also check the oil, change a flat and jump the battery.  But i don't want to. I'm a strong independent woman perfectly capable of handling minor car maintenance but would rather pay someone else to do it. Isn't that the American way? And in Oregon they can't even accuse you of being lazy. 'Oh, sure I'd pump my own gas, but they won't let me.'

 Gee, Mr. Drumpf*, if you really want to make America great again, you know what you can do? Eliminate self-service.  I bet he doesn't even realize that people have to pump their own gas.  Someone should tell him. Just think of how many jobs that would create. Millions. Put all the pump jockeys in roller skates and I'd consider tipping them.  Let's get the economy rolling! Keep America Lazy! The bumper sticker possibilities are endless. Now I realize none of that helps me with my lack of cash but it's the story I'm going to tell John when I run out of gas and have to call him to come get me. I'll leave out the part where I've had an orange gas pump glowing on the dash for four days.  Yup, that's my plan.

*And, yes, that is his real family name

I wish I remember why this happened..

So I was digging around in the closet looking for the boys' birth certificates because John is in the process of getting Canadian passports for the boys because....Trump.  I've always known exactly where all these types of important documents were because I keep them in a 'safe' place.  Unfortunately a few months ago I cleaned out the closets and found a new and improved 'safe' spot.  Never to be seen again.  In the course of my document hunt, I found this:

Oh, I did eventually find the papers and there were just where I thought they'd be, just pushed really far back on the shelf.

Thanksgiving Memories

We had our last Old Lady general meeting of the calendar year the other week.

(We still have a board meeting and some committee meetings. In fact we had a committee meeting last night.  It was in Valerie's garage because these people have meetings in garages.  I don't know why.  I had put my foot down and declared that I would no longer attend meetings unless I was allowed inside the house with the bathroom and the booze, but I had to make an exception last night because of reasons.  That and no one was noticing My Stand.  Towards the end of the meeting, something moved and banged over amongst the rubbermaid storage containers and scared the shit out of me and the lady sitting next to me.  She thought it was a ghost. I thought it was a rat. We both wanted to leave.  No more garages!)

Anyway, the general meetings typically end with a speaker or something similar.  This month's meeting ending with everyone sharing a holiday recipe or tradition. I would have know this if I'd read the entire email but I adhere to the strict rule "if you don't make your point in the first three sentences then you don't have a point" (IYDMYPITFTSTYDHAP, for short) So, everyone was sharing. Everyone. E.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.  Fun fact, most people's Thanksgiving traditions include turkey and stuffing.  Jesus wept.  I left when the microphone was pasted to the second table.  I did not have the fortitude to wait for the microphone to make it over to the six of us at table #12.  I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere about what's wrong with the country and the importance of taking the time to listen and care....whatever. I left. Come the rapture, that one's on me. 

IF I had stayed I would have shared this story.

It was two thanksgivings ago.....John has always been in charge of the turkey because the guy can cook a mean bird.  That particular year he decided to order a fresh turkey from Whole Foods.  I offered to do the ordering for him and it was going well until I logged onto the Whole Foods website and discovered that there were approximately 7,000 different kinds of turkeys. Nope. I'm out. "John, you're gonna have to order it yourself.  I will, however, go with you to pick it up." Color me helpful. We put off the pick-up until the last possible moment so Thanksgiving Eve found all four of us at Whole Foods along with a couple thousand other folks.  Turkey pick-up was in the back of the store, past the meat counter and down the hall towards the loading dock. It was madness.  Folks standing everywhere, in what would have been a line except each customer was accompanied by their entire extended family. People who'd picked up their birds had to fight their way back through the same mess and to top things off the bathrooms were down the same hallway. "Is this the line for the bathroom?" "No, it's down there. Best of luck to ya!" It took me about 4 seconds to decided that I did not need to be there.  "I'm going to the front of the store. Text me."

I waited at the front, watching the frantic last minute shopping unfold around me. After a while the boys wandered to the front to join me.  One had even thought to bring the car keys with him. Groovy. We're out of here.  text: John, meet you at the car.

John eventually showed up, exhausted with turkeys, grocery stores and humanity in general. We then spent 20 minutes trying to get out of the parking lot because as we all know one of Whole Foods' key business strategies is to ensure that each of their locations has only 60% of the necessary parking. Eventually we got home. John worked his magic on the bird. We got the kitchen cleaned up and were done for the night.

John, "So how much did the bird end up costing?"
Me, "Huh?"
John, "The bird. You went up fr......"
Me, "You had the pape....."
John, "but...uh..."
Me, "didn't y.....?"
And that was the year we stole a turkey.

On a side note, if you go into Whole Foods on the day after Thanksgiving and explain how you stole a turkey and that you'd like to pay for it but you don't have the paperwork and can't remember what kind it was but it was around 12 lbs., they will ask you to leave.