Proof of Life

The middle school band is going to be performing at Disneyland next weekend so this afternoon they had a mandatory dress rehearsal.  Everyone had to bring (or wear) their formal band attire to prove that they actually had all the appropriate articles of clothing.  Last year a kid showed up at Disneyland with his shoes held together with silver duct tape.  (It wasn't even black duct tape. This generation has no class.)  The Disney representative wouldn't let him on stage because he wasn't dressed appropriated.  I wasn't there so I didn't see who the Disney rep was but I bet it was Ariel 'cause you just know that now she has legs, she's a total bitch about dress codes.

This year Mr. Rugani wasn't taking any chances and everyone's clothing had to be signed off on.
I figured this would be acceptable:

I'm also covered in case the items that left my house, do not arrive in Anaheim in the same condition. Or do not arrive at all.  And if you think I'm joking, you obviously have girls.

Girl Moms:
"She looks just lovely.  So Excited!"
"She did her own hair and her roommates' hair!"
"She even ironed her blouse!"
"She bought souvenirs for the rest of the family!"

Boy Moms:
"Were your pants dragged behind the bus for the entire ride down?"
"Sure, why use a hanger when you can just shove everything under the sink."
"Whose shoes are these? They don't even fit."
"Please tell me you brushed your teeth at least once."

I'm going to see if there's a PUB!

I blame Alice, or as she is also referred to ALLLIIIIICE.  (Everyone in town knows that damn dog's name.)  When going in or out of the house, the dogs run down to the mailbox and sniff around where the neighborhood dogs have been.  Our house is on main corner so we get a lot of dog traffic.  This isn't a problem with Abbey because she's a good girl and comes when called.  Alice is getting better at this but we had an incident last week when I turned around for a second and she was gone.  I found her five houses up, trotting back down the hill.  (John, "At least she was coming home.  That's good."  Me, "Well, she was definitely coming towards the house. Whether or not that was intentional has yet to be determined.")

Now when we leave the house, I keep the garage door closed until Alice is in the car.  A few days ago, as I was leaving to pick up the boys from school, I was standing in the garage trying to determine if the dogs were coming with me or not.  Back and forth, back and forth.  "Jeez! Are you coming or not."  Abbey eventually went back into the house and Alice walked back and forth from the house to the car, trying to decide what to do.  Lord only knows what extremely exciting event she would miss out on by making the wrong choice.  "That's it, you're staying here." I tossed Alice in the house, hit the garage door opener and got in the car.  As I was musing about how much easier my life was when we only had one dog, I backed into the garage door that hadn't completely opened.  I immediately recognized the sound of the car hitting the garage door because it's not the first time that I've heard it.  That's right, this was the second time that I'd backed into an unopened garage door.

shit.

The fist time this happened, we were living in Arizona.  This may not seem relevant to you, but consider this.  If I had backed into the same garage door, I would have to talk to the same garage door repairman.  (Hello, Greg.  It's Dumbshit here. How are the kids? Good. Good.  Gonna need your help again....) So anyway, the first time I completely panicked.  I heard the cruuunch, stomped on the brake, slammed the car into drive and plowed forward into the work bench.  Oh, good, now that's broken too.  My work here is done.  This time I was much calmer.  I stomped on the brakes and started swearing.  If I'd had only waited a few more seconds, the door would have been opened far enough to get the car out so I would have only needed John to come home and look at the door.  As it was, I needed him to pick up the kids and then come home to look at the door.

Since the previous night we had been talking about doing a Galaxy Quest cosplay at ComicCon this summer, Sam naturally walked into the house and said, "You broke the house! You broke the bloody house!" to which I replied, "Must you hit Every. Single. One. of them?"

Good news, John got the door back on it's tracks with nothing but a hammer and a dream.
Bad news, the engine burned out in the process.
BAM BAM BAM
whrr whrrr
BAM BAM BAM
whrr whrrr
BAM BAM BAM
whrr whrrr
BAM BAM BAM
whrr whrrr
BAM BAM BAM
whrr whrrr
BAM BAM BAM
w...w...w smoke smoke smoke

shit.
AALLLIIIIICE!!!
This is coming out of your allowance!

I gave up Alcohol for Lent

Well, that's not exactly true.  I don't drink hard alcohol or beer so I really gave up wine for Lent.  Of course I don't drink red wine so I guess I gave up white wine for Lent.  But then there are a lot of white wines that I don't drink so technically I gave up Chardonnay for Lent.  There, I gave up Chardonnay for Lent.  Now, when you tell people that you gave up Chardonnay for Lent, they give you a look that says, "Really? That doesn't sound like much of a sacrifice."  And they're quite right.  It isn't a sacrifice.  It's a SAAAC RIII FIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE.

17 1/2 days to go.

But who's counting.

Remember to Hydrate

Went to the gym this morning and found this in the parking lot.

I found my new workout buddy.

Unless it's the blond chick running backwards on the trend mill.  No one likes a show-off, Blondie.

Book Challenge - Not for the Faint of Heart

This is getting more challenging.  In the last two books that I have read; well, the last book and the current book; the characters each have two names.  Not two word names like Barbara Ann but two completely different names like Owen Quine and Bombyx.  The first book involved a bunch of characters and a manuscript containing their alter egos.  There were around 10 characters with 2 names each so I had to make a cheat sheet so I could keep them straight.

The book I'm currently reading takes place during and after World War II.  There are two British characters who are hiding out with German names and there are German characters with German names along with German military ranks and nicknames that the British dudes have given them.  That was during the war.  Now after the war, the German dudes are hiding out under different German names while referring back to their old German names.  And we all know how smoothly German names and ranks roll off the tongue.  Obersturmbannfuhrer Gerhart Peuckert . Fuck me.

Before my biggest problem with character names arose was when authors used names that were similar to each other.  Jillian Trilby and Julie Teasdale.  Really? For God's sake, this is FICTION.  Pick a different name.

I had to put the current book down because it looks liked one of our British characters, who was hiding out under a German name during the war, had just been giving different German name after the war.  Could we not have just killed him off?  I know he's center to the plot but I stopped caring about him 2 aliases ago.

And to make matters even worse, this is my "Book originally written in a different language" and the danish to english translation is a little sketchy at times.

I'm going to read a nice Dr. Seuss after this.

The story is set in an Insane Asylum.
And it's driving me nuts!

So I got yelled at by the Crossing Guard

There is a four way stop at the corner of the school that is controlled by a crossing guard. I was about to say 'volunteer' but for all I know, she's getting paid. Anyway... I go through it twice each morning, once to drop the boys off and another when I drive away.  This morning I was stopped at the intersection, waiting to make a right hand turn.  (If you live in California, you know that this means that I'm in the bike lane.  That's one of the questions that I missed on the Driver's Test.  When making a right hand turn, what do you NOT do? A, B, C, or D.  Well, it must be 'C' because you never drive in the bike lane.  It's a bike lane. Emphasis on Bike.  WRONG.)  So I'm stopped in the bike lane, waiting for three kids to cross the street.  The crossing guard is standing in the middle of the crosswalk, sporting her reflective vest, sign raised high in the air, whistle in mouth.  When the kids got past her and almost to the curb, my foot came off the brake slightly and the car slowly inched forward for about 2 seconds before I pressed back down on the brake.  The guard turned to me and hollered, "SSSTTTOOOOPPPP"  Now picture me sitting there,  it's 7:45 am, I'm stopped at the crosswalk, elbows on the steering wheel, chin in my hands, I think I was even yawning.  STOP? Stop, what? I was so confused for a split second, then I hollered back, "I KNOOOOOWWW" Good morning to you too. What did she think I was going to do? Make a right hand turn with my forehead? Talk about stupid human tricks....

And to think, not that long ago I was telling myself that I should bring her a Starbucks one morning since she's here everyday, twice a day, even the 3 days that it rained.  Well, you can kiss that latte good-bye, Sister.

"Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this."

We've got Spirit, Yes We Do!

So every Friday is spirit day at the boys' middle school.  If they don't have a specific day like Super Hero Day or Crazy Sock Day, then it's a color.  Yellow Day or Pink Day.  Last week it was Blue Day.  As I was dropping the boys off in the morning, a gaggle of girls walked past the car wearing blue t-shirts, blue tights and blue tutus that didn't cover their butts.  It looked like Pedophile Day.

Now I don't have girls so I don't have to deal with any of that stuff but when, exactly, did it become okay to not wear pants??