Robopocaplypse, Part II

I always felt that one of the best leaps forward ever made was computerized gas pumps.  They were a revelation.  I no longer had to make small talk with the guy pumping my gas (when I lived in Oregon) or the guy working the register (when I lived anywhere else).  I could pump my gas in a completely antisocial manner that I loved.  I didn't even have to smile at anyone.  It was a perfect world.

But somewhere along the line that all changed.  I used to be able to slide in my card and do my business.  Now I have to buy the damn thing dinner first.  I have to answer 9 questions before it will unlock the hose.  There are days when I don't say 9 things to my husband.  When did this happen?

Pump: Are you using a credit card?

Me: Yes

Pump: What's your zip code?

Me: 94582

Pump: Do you want a car wash?

Me: No

Pump: Nice weather we're having

Me: yeah, but it's sure cold at night

Pump: Do you want a receipt?

Me: No, can I please have the gas?

Pump: What are you wearing?

Me: jesus christ

I think it's trying to get laid.

Reruns Already?

I was cleaning out my computer (because it keeps giving me error messages that say, "You expect me to remember that? I can barely remember how to start-up.")  and found this.  I wrote it when I was thinking about starting a blog a few years ago.

Saturday night is Halloween and I decided to have a party.  I found these awesome heart and brain jell-o molds and I told the kids I'd make them for the party.  Oh, and John is out of town.

I decided to start with the heart since it's smaller so if I goofed up, it'll be easier to clean-up.  It's a heart so naturally the jell-o is red.  The jell-o's boiling and I add extra gelatin to make sure it sets up good and firm.  I've got the mold wedged in a bowl so it won't tip over.

<careful, careful, don't spill on the counter, don't spill on the floor, get it to the fridge, and it's in!>

Me: "Okay, nobody touch the fridge."

A little while later I open the fridge to check on the mold and it has tipped over. <shit> Red jell-o has slopped all over the bottom shelf and under the crisper drawers.  I grab the mold and yell at the boys to help me.  No response.  I start yelling, "I NEED HELP IN HERE!"  After the third shout, they saunter into the kitchen.

So I'm holding the dripping mold and need something to set it in.

Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge."
Nothing
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge."
Me: "Get the bowl out of the fridge!!!"

Is English their second language?

One of them finally gets the bowl and sets it on the counter so I can put down the mold.

Me, with hands dripping red jell-o: "I need the paper towel"
No one moves
Me: "I need the paper towel"
Me: "I need the paper towel"
Me: "I NEED THE PAPER TOWEL!!!"

Boys, to each other: "You get the paper towel", "I don't want to get the paper towel", "I got the bowl, you get the paper towel", "Where's the paper towel?" And someone hands me half a sheet of paper towel.

Me: "Get out of the kitchen"
At this point,  I really need to start swearing so they need to leave.
Me: "Get out of the KITCHEN!"

Boys: "Sheez, you said you wanted our help."

<fffffuuuucccckkkkkk>

Back to the fridge and the red jell-o.  The jell-o that has started to set up so the shit all over the bottom shelf.  And I was sooo smart to add extra gelatin.  All I can manage to do is smear it all around.  It looks like I'm wiping up from an autopsy.  The paper towel keeps sticking to my fingers and I'm pretty sure I haven't cleaned this fridge since we bought it.  The dog comes over and starts licking up jell-o and I find myself hoisting her up to get a better reach at the stuff way in the back......

Thank god I started with the heart, cause it'd be easier.....
<dumbass>

Dog Boots, an Update

Abbey's boots arrived and they're way too small.  I measured her foot just like they said on the website so I don't really know what went wrong.  So here I sit, actually surprised that I incorrectly measured the dog's boot size.

John: That's what surprises you?  Not that you ordered boots for the dog?

<shut up>

I'm going to send them to my mom for her tiny little dog, Lucy.  Do I think she'll put them on Lucy?  No.
But I know my niece will.

Score one for dog boots.

I don't often wish for a girl

So there was an "incident" in the boys' classroom this week.  I'm not going to tell you what happened because it would be hurtful to all involved, but I will tell you this.  Boys suck at gossip.

Tom:  he got suspended
Sam:  he was sick
Tom:  he got suspended and was sick
Sam:  and it was his birthday

what?

Now you're just making shit up.

Texting with John

(A few things you should know.  First, I don't know how to put a text directly into a blog.  Second, I don't like to shop so I order stuff online and return what doesn't fit or looks completely different from the photo. Sometime I'll order two sizes just to cover all bases.  And lastly, I ordered snow boots for the dog.  Don't judge me.)

John:  Hey, I hate to be that guy who seems to penny pinch but $330 at garnet hill and gap today?

John:  Although I'm aroused by whatever a printed skinny mini skimmer is - lol

John:  Does daddy like?

Me: they're pants.  Momma likes.  Will most likely return half.

John: Return just 1 leg of the pants?  seems harsh.

Me:  pants are fuckers

John:  So - who is getting the aqua cardigan with the village scene on the front?

Me: the dog, it matches her boots

Actually the cardigan is mine and the dog's boots will match the sweater that I knit for her.  I'm serious.  Manic phase. Say it with me. 

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

John has a business trip today.  He travels a lot so that isn't so unusual but today I met him for lunch before he left.  Mainly because I was really hungry and had an errand to run across the street from the restaurant.  So in the parking lot as he was getting ready to go, he said, "Give me a kiss.  I might die in a plane crash this afternoon."  "Yes, which means a really big settlement from the airlines so don't go limping away from it!  GO TO THE LIGHT!!"

Robopocaplypse (I had to look up the spelling)

It's happening, people.  It's been coming on for years and they just made their next salvo.

It started years ago with printers. They were the scouts, the recon patrol.  The first wave.  We brought them in to our offices.  Just one at first, then they started popping up in every nook and cranny and then right on the desks.  They drove us fucking crazy from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday. With their paper jams, and error codes, and those exasperating times when they just sat there and did nothing. But did we get rid of them?  No, we bought more!  And we brought them into our homes to drive us fucking crazy on our off hours.  My household now has a wireless printer that talks to our computer, ipad and server (or router, I get those confused) without wires! It can even get to you outside! In no time it will be solar powered and able to roam freely throughout the house. (scaring the dog)

Then it was entertainment systems.  TV's weren't enough.  We need tvs, dvds, dvrs, and gaming systems.  All hooked together and all with their own remote controls.  We willing brought all of this into our homes to assist in their colonization of the family room.

The third wave....wireless servers (or routers, whatever) in our homes!  When we moved into our house two years ago, the cable guy spent a considerable amount of time explaining to us why it needed to go in the master bedroom.  I'm pretty sure he was just making up words. (really? is it the flux capacitor?) And my husband stood there nodding his head, like he understood it all.  That cable guy was a robot and the server is in the closet to make it easier to kill us in our sleep.

And their latest move is the most genius of all.  It's the dinging, and the buzzing, and the ringing.  All over the house.  From the phones, the smart phones, the ipads, the computers.  Every time something makes a noise, I get up and walk around the house trying to find it.  It's Pavlov's Fucking Dog!!  They didn't even change the shtick!!  And half the time the ringing and buzzing is just in my head!  I'm anticipating the noises before they even come!

We're doomed, people!  DOOMED! Head for the hills!  I would, but I can't leave my iphone.