12 Days of Christmas Cruise (5,6,7)

7 questions from the spa technician **
6 quarts of sweat in Columbia
(me, "jeez, how hot is it??", john, "it's not the heat it's the humidity." me, "shut up.")
5 Tiiiiiinnnnyyyyy Speeeeeeddooooooossssss
(full body shudder....make it staaaaawp!)
4 losing games of bingo (but we won $2 on pull tabs!)
3 hours napping
2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room


** Tom and I went to the spa for a Foot Recuse!

Tom's gal, "oh, you have very nice feet."
Tom, "thanks"

My gal, "when was your last pedicure? uh, what happened here? And this is? The rough patches over here?? Did your nail tear off? Do you use any special moisturizers or oils? do you do a lot of walking?"
Me, "it's been a while....uh, not really....kinda of.....I don't usually wear socks.....yes, quite a bit of rubbing....no, not really.....not an exceptional amount of walking but when I do I always use these feet."
She could have summed up all of her questions with, "What the hell happened to your feet??"
I know I'm asking a lot of you so here's the deal;  I'll replace your callus files and creams, and if you develop any carpal tunnel injuries, I'll tip accordingly. deal? deal.

I kept picturing Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.
"Old and busted. New, hotness"
"Old and busted. New, hotness"

12 Days of Christmas Cruise (3&4)

4 losing games of bingo (but we won $2 on pull tabs!)
3 hours napping
2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room

12 Days of Christmas Cruise (2)

2 laps around the the boat in the wrong direction (where's the fucking cabin??)
1 boy locked out of his room

The 12 Days of Christmas Cruise

1 boy locked out of his room.

Book Art

fucking sucks.  Honestly, who came up with this? Someone who grew tired of swallowing bees? This can't be a hobby...it's gotta be a prank.

So the library weeded out a bunch of books that were either out of date or never checked out and what do you do with a bunch of unused books?  Well, some were shipped to other folks but what about the ones that can't be used??  Oh, I know, let's use them for book art!  That'll be fun.

Wrong.

I tried to find tutorials on-line, for free, and didn't have much luck.  The one I did find was really long and I mean really long. I scrolled down to step 77 and said 'fuck this'.  I mean really, wasn't there several points where the instructions could have read, 'repeat lines 3&4 10 more times'?  Seriously people, who are you trying to impress? How many people are out there looking for a new hobby that involves 374 steps to complete?  Those are not people you want knowing your name. Or email address.

I ended up buying a book on Amazon.  'folded book art' by Clare Youngs. The title was in lower case letters because Clare is down-to-earth and relate-able.  Don't get me started on how both of her names are spelled wrong.  Don't get me wrong the book was beautiful.  Lovely pictures of finished works of art, clear and concise instructions with easy to follow diagrams.  Perfect.

Wrong.

Clare is a fucking bitch.  If I knew where Clare lived I would run her over with my car.  Then backup and run her over again.  And I'd recognize her immediate because, oh, I know her.  I've met her, I've worked with her and our kids go to the same schools.  She is always immaculately put together.  Her car has zero door dings. Her kids are always polite and respectful; even when no one is looking. She volunteers to help and, get this, always shows up and actually helps. She never brings store bought food to school functions even though everyone loves squishy white dinner rolls, Clare. Everyone. She's never sent her kid to school with a Lunchable. And the worst part?  The very worst part? She so fucking nice.  goooooooddddddd.  You know it's gotta be fake, right? They're all on Ritalin or they're really robots. Of course, deep down you know they're just really good people. God, I want to fucking hate her but I can't because she so fucking nice.

Anyway, I've got your number Ms. Clare Youngs.  Your beautiful book is filled with lies.

I picked out the one I wanted to make.

I mean, would you just look at that!

I got my used book, my quick drying glue, my xacto knife, and my chopsticks to help curl pages.  (I later realized the xacto knife was so you could slit your wrists. It really should not be listed as a necessary tool. That's just asking for trouble, especially if you live with other people) I followed all the steps and they were so easy. They really were.  Everything went perfectly until I finished and it looked nothing like the picture, Clare, NOTHING. 

Nailed It!

I don't even know what went wrong. I followed all the steps. Each one looked just like the helpfully provided diagrams.  Each One.  Then I looked at the picture again and.......heeeeeyyyyy.....that's not a book, Clare. It's not a book!  Books aren't made with card stock.  You used card stock, Clare! You used card stock and had the nerve to write in step #15 'with a piece of card stock fold a triangle, blah blah blah'...Like you hadn't be using card stock the entire time!  YOU FUCKING CHEATED, CLARE! I was right, it is all fake, you are a robot, you don't sleep so you spend all night cooking and training your dog and buffing out your van doors. You keep those kids locked up in cages, Clare!

So now I was on a mission. Fuck your instructions, Clare. I'm making my own heart book art. And screw you....and, well, I'll keep some of the instructions....but this is way harder because I'm using floppy, lightweight, wimpy, ACTUAL book pages.

So there, I win. And I'm never ever doing this again. and you're still a bitch.

It all makes me nostalgic for paper mache.

http://bplusmom.blogspot.com/2015/10/paper-mache-devils-art-form.html

Hunt for the Zodiac Killer

So John and I started watching this series. It follows a group of guys who are reexamining the case to see if they can identify the Zodiac Killer. In the introduction before each episode, it says something along the lines of "one group of retired law enforcement officers" blah blah blah "and a team of top cyprtographers working with the help of a Super Computer programmed to think like a killer!"

Oh, sure, 'cause what could go wrong with that!

And you named it Carmel?  Shouldn't we just start calling it SkyNet now. To avoid confusion after the robot uprising?

By episode four, it had started writing poetry. Not rainbows and flowers poetry but hiding the body parts poetry.  It was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen and they thought it was cute! No one hit the kill switch. Really? Really? Where's the button to torch the entire room? Oh my god, why are they all smiling??

I told this to Sam and he told me about an AI in another country that was shut down because it created it's own language.  fuuuuuuccckkkkkk

We've skipped past Artificial Intelligence and went straight to Artificial Psychosis.  Is it too much to ask for our robot overlords to be emotionless machines looking to use us as a cheap energy source? Do we really need creepy metal Norman Bates clapping their shiny Luke hands, "Oooohhhh, let's tear her legs off and put them in a jar?!?! do-tah-do-tah-do..."

Danger, Will Robinson, Fucking Danger

One Advantage of House Guests

My mom, "Do you have any Drano in the house? The shower in the boys' bathroom backs up when you use it."
Me, "Really?"
Sam walked in.
Me, "Sam, have you noticed that your shower isn't draining?"
Sam, "Yeah."
Me, "How long has that been going on?"
Sam, "I don't know. A couple years, maybe."
Me, <muttering> "oh my sweet jesus....."
Me, <in response to my mom> "'l'll get some Drano."

jeez.