Happy Halloween part 2

Sam, "My (halloween costume) pants are too big. I can't wear them."
Me, "Yes, you can. I'll pin them up."
Sam, "With what?"
Me, <digging out safety pins>, Ta-dah. Safety pins."

Sam, "Safety pins? Safety pins? We need some Danger Pins!"

Happy Halloween

Sam, "AAAHHHHHHHHAAAA''

"TAKE IT DOWN!"

"NOW!"

Have You Seen This Dog

So Sam came home the other day and told me that there was a German Shepard puppy on campus. Ooooohhhhhhh.
There was a P.A. announcement asking if anyone had a new German Shepard puppy and please come to the office if you do.  Naturally Sam went to the office.  No, no we do not have a new or old German Shepard puppy.

Sam, "Is the puppy still here?"
Office Lady, "Yes, is it yours?"
Sam, "Can I see it?"
O.L., "We have a picture you can look at. Is it your dog?"
Sam, "No, but can I see it anyway?"
O.L., "Like I said, you can look at the picture. Do you know who the dog belongs to?"
Sam, "No. I just want to see the puppy."
O.L., "You're going to need to leave."
Sam, "How about a quick selfie?"
O.L., "Out!"

Words that need a Rebirth

I was helping out in the textbook room today and one of the books had those old slips that kids would write their names on back in the early 19th century.

We need to start using "Dandy" more.

No More BC Pills?

Sure that'll last...until several million middle-class white men have to get vasectomies.
Which, technically, should not be covered either.

It's all well and holy until someone starts cutting into your balls.

So this happened.....

The first email I've sent to the boys' high school principle:

From: John and Jennifer Moore  Subject: cafeteria Date: October 4, 2017 at 5:49 PM To: xxxxxxxxxxxx

So this is the strangest email I’ve sent in a while....FYI, someone in the cafeteria is putting the pepperonis on the pizzas in the shape of a penis. There. I said it. Now my kids and husband find this hilarious and frankly so do I but you may have other parents who will react differently. Best of luck dealing with this, and, boy, do you have an awesome job! Jennifer Moore

Since this was, as I wrote, the first email I've sent to her, I was pleased to discover that she has a fantastic sense of humor.  I'm not posting her response but here is my follow-up:

From: John and Jennifer Moore  Subjectmoore@: Re: cafeteria Date: October 5, 2017 at 9:42 AM To: xxxxxxxxxxxx

My husband has begun referring to it as Cockeroni Pizza. As in, “I can’t believe you narc’d out the cockeroni pizza kid.” I can not express how funny they think that is.

Hugh Hefner Cause of Death

Sky Diving?
Deep Sea Fishing?

He was 91.......
He died of being 91.

Perspective

So I've started volunteering in the library at the boys' high school and it's helped out quite a bit at home.  Volunteering at schools has always smoothed things over at home because it lowers my expectations dramatically.  After the first dozen or so dead stares, I'm reminded that all of these kids are morons, not just mine. The shear number that seem surprised that they need to provide an id or even just say their id number when checking out a book, is staggering.  "You're seventeen. You're honestly not going to start looking for your id until after I ask for it?" This is the 21st century version of pulling out your checkbook after you hear the total.  Everyone hates you, get comfortable with that.  Sometimes I'll just stare at them, not saying anything, waiting to see if it will dawn on them.  It's fun until I end up blinking first. And I always have to blink first. I tell myself that they realize what I'm doing and they're just better Owl players. But they're not. So I go home and wrap my arms around my own big dumb morons that need to be told to put spoons on the table when we're having chili for dinner.  "You're never moving out of my house, are you? "

I'm sure I've contributed to some of this but I'm only willing to take a small portion of the blame because I'm impatient as fuck and am far more likely to yell, "Oh My God. Figure it out!" than "Just a minute, sweetie, let me help you with that." I'm also lazy as fuck so when they were little and couldn't find a toy I would warn them "If I walk in there and find it, I'm keeping it!" This still works if you replace "Keeping it" with "Taking your ipad".

I blame society. Everything in my house has instructions.  Everything.  When I was a kid the only thing with instructions were the board games and we never read those. Instructions are for pussies. That's was our family motto. John will still pull out game instructions to prove that something is a Dawson rule. Not a rule rule! But why would you not want to put all the fines in the middle and whoever lands on Free Parking get them?

Everything has instructions and not just the important stuff like chain saws and pilot lights. Even the boxes tell you which end to open.  And this is information you really need to know.  If you go over to someone's house and all of their cereal boxes have been opened at the wrong end, maybe you don't want to be marrying them.  I'm just saying.  Sure it was funny the first time they asked how to use the washing machine but if they're still doing it after the fourth time, you may be heading towards a felony. These are important red flags.

So when we are on the last day of textbook checkouts and the Textbook Lady (that, by the way, is her official job title) has to tell the kids to line up on the left so the other kids can get back down the aisle to leave, I'm begging her to stop telling them that. They have six classes; this is the sixth time they've been through this process in a week and a half.  Just let them jam up and punch their way out.  How else will we be able to trust them to pick out a nice nursing home?