Memorial Day Weekend at Yosemite

3 days before the trip. I've taken the boys to the store because they need clothes.
Me, "Sam, do you have shorts?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "And they fit?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "And you know where they are?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "Are you sure?"
Sam, "Yes"
Me, "Cause we're here so now's the time to speak up."
Sam, "YES. GEEZ"

Day of the trip.  I'm driving the kids home from school.
Me, "Dad said that the car will not be easily accessible so we need to try to get everything in the room in one trip."
Tom, "Yes, we know."
Me, "So you can't be packing a bunch of stuff in your backpacks."
Tom, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Me, "All your things need to fit into your suitcase."
Tom, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Me, "You'll be carrying other things so no backpacks."
Tom, Yeah, yeah, yeah."
* he actually kept saying yeah, yeah, yeah and not as a joke. as in 'I know so shut the fuck up.'

At the house, we're just about ready to head out when:
Me, "Sam, are you changing clothes?"
Sam, "I don't have any shorts."
and then, Tom walks out of his bedroom with 27 lbs of books shoved into his backpack.
I started shouting things and I don't even remember what I said.
First xanax of the trip and we haven't even left the house.

We arrive at the Lodge and it's really nice, and familiar.  When we step off the elevator, it hits me, "Oh my god, it's The Shining."
John, "It is The Shining.  They based the interiors on this lodge."
Me, "That is so cool.  I think."

In the room, I start claiming my space.  Space that is not to be littered with food wrappers, dirty socks or other gross things that males generate over the course of a weekend. I carry my wash kit into the bathroom and check things out.  Pedestal sink, no counter, one long shelf running over the sink and toilet, smaller half shelf above it over the toilet. okay, I'm taking the small shelf and the three of them can destroy the rest of the room. I go to put my wash kit on the top shelf when it falls open and half the contents fall into the toilet.
Second xanax of the trip. Where's the bar?

The next day we wandered around, checking things out and took a tram tour of the park.  It was very interesting, filled with beautiful scenery and interesting historical facts.  But the very best part was one of the lookout spots. I don't remember which one but here's what I do remember. There was a smallish parking lot with spots for cars all around the edges and three long spots marked for tour buses.  The buses and our tram were being driven by professional drivers who knew exactly how long their vehicle was and how tight their turning radius was to within an inch.  The cars were being driven by bunch of morons who probably flunked the written the first time.  It was beautiful. Like a bunch of toddlers being thrown on stage with the Bolshoi.  The teamsters were driving into their designated spots and no they are not going to let you cut in front of them and yes you are parked illegally so you better move because I'm not stopping and if you chose to ignore the ranger and my honking, then I'll just pull it right here and look at that now you're trapped and I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.  John and I stood for the entire 10 minute break with our backs to the scenery, laughing at the cars.  "How do I get a job here? I could stand here all day, writing parking tickets.  They wouldn't even have to pay me."

Next day, John and the boys get up early and go on a steep hike that involves getting drenched by a waterfall. I slept in but I did hear Tom whisper to Sam, "Please, tell me he didn't just wake us up at 7:00 am."  Hours later, I roll out of bed and head downstairs for breakfast.  Table for one, please!
The hostess checks her little chart, then turns to the guy next to her and says, "Please, show this young lady to table #<whatever>" and I'm thinking 'yes, show this youn....wait a minute. She said that ironically.  Bitch just called me a young lady IN IRONY.'  I'll have coffee, oatmeal and a whiskey.

I had a lovely day. John and the boys got back exhausted. The CEO of Apple showed up and you'd have thought he was a rock star.  My first thought was that some athlete was out on the deck.  A lady actually had her picture taken with him.  He was very nice and talked with them all.  Me, "Will you go ask him why my bluetooth keeps turning itself off?"  John, "Oh sure, no problem" but he didn't.

And in case you're wondering what happens when John has too much to drink, here's your answer. He will stand up at some point during the evening and rush out of the lounge and come back with an enormous stuffed bear. "I was afraid the gift shop was going to close."

I think I'll name him Tim, Tim CookieBear,
after our famous guest

We're a Thick-Skinned Pair

So Saturday morning is our morning at Starbucks with the WSJ puzzle.  This last weekend we were also in a heated 'Words with Friends' battle.  A fact the other Starbucks patrons were not aware of so when John was just about to pull out of reach and I slapped down a 39-pointer, all they heard was,

John, in all seriousness, "You Fuck."
Me, "Who's your Daddy, Bitch?"

<later>

Me, "I can't believe you called me a Fuck."
John, "Use 'azine' in a sentence"

A Day in the Life

John, "Can I use the computer?"
Me, "Yeah, just a minute."
John, "I need to pay some bills."
Me, "Just a minute. I'm finding which ancient queen I am."
John, "Oh, well, that's definitely more important."

Timing is Everything.

Last night was Open House at the Middle School.  Now I don't know if Open House has always been during the last half of may but I was really questioning the timing of this event.  There are 14 school days remaining, less if your student is in 8th grade because the last day is 'graduation' and another is the field trip to Six Flags.  So we have 12 days of school left and tonight is the open house.  I think they should have had this event in April when I was still pretending to give a shit.  To clarify, I didn't actually give a shit in April either but in May I have stopped pretending that I do.

The week before emails and paperwork were sent out for a fundraiser. Again, I question the timing.  A third of your students are heading to high school in two months.  How many of them are going to give any effort at all to raise money for this school?  You should have send all the info to the incoming 6th graders. At least they have a vested interest in the results. Their pending departure was half of the reason we are not participating.  The other half is because the Computer Lab was cited as a reason for raising funds.  I have two outgoing 8th graders and neither one was set foot in the Computer Lab since 6th grade.  Whenever I hear that any funds are needed for maintaining our technological edge, I dismiss it for the same reason your mother wouldn't buy you yet another Barbie doll.  You already have a room full of them and you don't play with the ones you have.

You know what else they've never used? They've never used the 3D printer that was purchased for the Tech Class during their first year at the school.  Sam finally got into Tech the last semester of his final year and he didn't even know that they had a 3D printer.  Tech is very popular because, as I've said before, they watch movies every week.  If I ran the zoo, I would change Tech to Movie Appreciation and then have them watch Citizen Kane and Potemkin and write an essay to compare and contrast the symbolism derived from their different political backgrounds.  I went to a Liberal Arts college and could discuss this with you.  "You've got to be kidding me?", you might say but it counted towards a Fine Arts credit and is one of the reasons that I kick-ass at trivial pursuit.  I assure you Sam will leave his tech class none the wiser about engineering and no more valuable during quiz night down the pub.  That's a lose/lose anyway you look at it.

So last night was Open House and I didn't really want to go.  Sam didn't either because, and I quote, "Naaaaah, Man....I am outta there!"  John took Tom.  They were only gone about 15 minutes so I can only assume we didn't miss much.  

As I look back this morning, I think I may have missed out after all.  If I'd have gone, I could have seen all of my fine coloring and scrapbooking displayed on the walls.  It would have been my one and only gallery showing. I could have brought little red circle stickers and placed them on some of the pieces so it would look like they'd been purchased.  I could have worn some avant-garde outfit that no one understood and stood in the corner with a cocktail while John explained my motivations.  "Now, you see how she colored each of the letters in the name 'Brent' in a different shade of blue? That signifies the artist's state of mind as she was working on the piece."  And, oh my god, I could have been hiding subliminal messages all this time.  Dammit, what was I thinking???  Who was the artist that hid the name Nina in his painting? (It's Hirschfeld. I just googled it.) That could have been me but with far more interesting and colorful phrases.  I am so kicking myself.

Now all I'm left with is my Sweary coloring book and a sea of lost opportunities.   <sigh>