So John went to the grocery store this morning....

and sent me a text.

Well, you asked. 

And I need me a Jamie!

Put Your Money where your Mouth is....

So I had to put my convictions to the test today.  I went to JoAnn's this morning and they had a sign posted on their door that read, "We are currently having trouble with our computers and credit card machines. We can only accept cash."  Huh? Cash? What's that? So I stood there, mouth slightly open,  looking around the parking lot, at the cars, at the other stores....where do I get cash? The last time I needed cash was like 2008 and I got it from John's wallet but John was out of town with his wallet. And as I was standing there looking lost, what do I see across the side street but Hobby Lobby.  But I can't go there because of:

http://bplusmom.blogspot.com/2014/07/well-great-now-i-cant-shop-at-hobby.html

I ended up driving home.

oh, I found out that you can get cash at a 'cash machine'.  They are often found in grocery stores.  You're welcome.

Sam's Non-Sequitors

A random sampling of the things Sam has said out of the blue:

1.  I'm graceful like a shadow in the night.
2.  I'm imperishable
3. You know what's real? Dem jukes are real.
4. Something just exploded over there.  It was my dreams
5.  I hate triangles
6.  You got a bad case of 'no-shirt' there, Fabio Flintstone.
7.  Walked in to the club. Be like where's the dartboard?
8.  Yeah, do you mind if I I dance while we talk?
9.  Oh, my gosh, look, a distraction!
10.  Turtles suck!

He's the 'special' one

There have been studies....

We were having dinner the other night.  As usual, I finished in about 4 minutes, John finished up in around 10, Sam came in a respectable third and we didn't think Tom would ever finish.  Sam used to be the slow eater; agonizingly slow, but they seemed to have switched places as of late. I started tidying up the kitchen, John and the boys were talking. Tom still hadn't finished.  Even after we'd cleaned up the entire kitchen, he was still poking around with his food.

Me, "Are you ever going to finish eating?"
Tom, "You guys don't have to sit here.  You can go."
Me, "What? Are you kidding?  With all the video games and rock music, having dinner together as a family is the only thing keeping you two out of juvie!!"

John needs new Socks

 Whenever he puts on or takes off his socks, a couple pieces of black lint end up on the bedroom floor. It's not that big of a deal, except every time I walk into the bedroom and see a piece of black lint on the floor, I think it's a bug.  Ever.  Single.  Time.

This has been going on for weeks and I'm getting rather tired of it.  So this morning, when I walked into the bedroom and saw a black spot on the floor, I reached down and snatched up....a bug.  A living breathing nasty black bug.  It was the Me-equivalent of wrestling an alligator.  It was the most absolutely totally badass move I've ever made....until I threw it against the wall, screaming and hopping around like a little little girl.

curse you, little black sock!

My Morning on Facebook

So I got a text this morning from my friend Tina.  A friend of hers saw my last blog post on facebook* and wanted to share it but it's my personal page so she was asking if I had a public page.  My response was, "Oh, I just want to be left alone!"  No, not really.

So I got on line to set up a public page.

* I'm not going to capitalize facebook, Zuckerberg, no matter how many squiggly red lines you put there.  You're no more than a collective noun to me.  Suck it!

The Birds and the Bees

So it's the last week of school and the boys' science class is finishing off the year with the unit on...well, whatever they're calling sex ed these day.  I'm not complaining or anything.  In fact, it's their only class that is still teaching.  In history, english and math they've been watching movies.  Yesterday they watched old Twilight Zone episodes.  You'd think they could at least show Apollo 13 or Selma and pretend that it's educational.  But anyway....

They covered this at the end of 5th grade too and we were able to go to the school one day and preview the movie that was to be shown.  There were around 12 moms and 2 dads that, I assumed, were forced to go by their wives. I sat next to a friend and made snide remarks through the whole thing. All I really remember about the movie was that it was made with a nod to the various forms of nuclear families that exist today.  You can talk to your mom or your stepmother or your teacher or your friend's mom or your really creepy uncle.  I took issue with the last one.  In fact I didn't think you should be left alone in the same room with your really creepy uncle but that's just me.

This time around we were sent a link via email.  I talked John into watching it with me so we could make fun of it.  I only lasted for the first 5 minutes.  It was really boring; all about DNA and shit like that. It may have gotten better but I turned on Penny Dreadful instead.  I'm sure if we'd watched the entire video, it would have covered all the usual puberty and hormones crap.  And then, after having completely lost my shit, two nights in a row, over...I don't know what, something stupid....it occurred to me that these movies need to include a lesson or two on Menopause.

Gone are the days when children were tucked up safely in their dorm rooms while mothers slowly lost their minds at home.  Kids didn't need to learn about menopause then because they didn't have to live through it. Now our kids' hormones are turning on, while our hormones are turning off.  It's a deadly combination.  A quick overview during the last two minutes of the video couldn't hurt. As it stands now, the boys only getting advice from John.  Don't get me wrong, it's good solid advice.  "Both of you stop talking and scoot over here. Give her some room."  This, incidentally, is the same advice you receive from the park rangers at Yellowstone in case you accidentally stumbled across a bear. "Don't make eye contact. Stay quiet. No sudden movements. Back.  Away. Slowly."  You'd think the schools could at least print up a small brochure with Do's and Doesn't.  You know, like the park rangers do.  Or we could just use their brochures. Check this out

Pay Attention to Your Surroundings:
You don’t want to be surprised by a bear. Since you’ll have more time to react—without panicking—if you’re able to see a bear approaching from a distance, look for locations that are open and provide you with a good range of vision. And while you may find yourself enjoying the peace and quiet, don’t let it dull your senses. Keep an eye out for bears. Maybe you’ll be lucky and spot one—from a safe distance.

Keep Food Well Protected:
Since you and the bears have a similar appetite, you don’t want to leave your food out where its scent might attract a bear. A bear-proof container should be on your packing list. Besides, you’ll need a place to store your lunch while you’re catching your dinner.

Let Bears Have Their Space:
It’s best not to test the theory that a bear is more afraid of you than you are of it. If a bear decides to pay you a visit by wandering into your area, let it have its space. If it’s happy at a distance, just keep an eye on it. If it seems to want to come closer, it might be best to pack your things, back away and let the bear do its thing.

Clean Up After Yourself:
Bad bear encounters can put a serious damper your trip, but remember that you’re a guest on the bears’ land. Be on alert, remember to practice good habits to avoid attracting bears, enjoy them if you see them at a distance, and don’t panic—give yourself a story to tell when you get home.

You could easily cross out 'bear' and replace it with 'your mother'.  We could even make laminated cards for our husbands to keep in their wallets.  Whose with me?

Don't you hate it when...

You're sitting in the movie theater and it's dark as night, and you find this long, wiry hair on your jaw line, and it bugs you all through the movie but when you get home to your remarkably well-lit bathroom, armed with tweezers and a magnifying mirror, you can't find the damn thing to save your life? or is it just me?

Timing is Everything

So I was dropping the kids at school yesterday and was about to pull away from the curb when Sam knocked on the passenger side window.  He'd forgotten to have his music log signed.  He opened the car door and started rummaging in his backpack for his music folder.  Once he found it, he handed it over saying, "Would you, please, sign this?"  I did and handed it back.  As he was putting it back into his backpack, he looked at me and said, "Thanks! I'm a huge fan. Your #1 fan!"

Comic-Con Disappointment #2

The first disappointment was when I finally had to admit to myself that the guys were not going to do a cosplay with me.  I thought I had them convinced when I suggested Galaxy Quest but, after the initial noises of interest, they once again said 'no'.  Cowards.

So I'd gotten over that when I found out that Nathan Fillon will be there on Thursday.  We get there Friday.  BOO!  This one is going to be much harder to recover from.

Maybe I'll make myself a Jane Hat to help me get over it....

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness - Day 1

Sam's room is a mess on the best of days.  Stuff all over the floor, crap piled on every flat surface and actual garbage here and there. When asked to clean it up, he puts a few things away and shuffles a few things around the room.  This, by the way, is also how the boys clean up the kitchen. On any given morning they can dirty 3 plates, 4 bowls, 2 glasses and various utensils while eating breakfast.  They usually forget to put away the cereal/oatmeal/waffle boxes away too.  They'll finish up and leave the kitchen, and I'll have to call them back to clean up.

Me, "Hey, guys, come back and clean up the kitchen."
Boys: wander in and put a few things away.
Me, "Guys! Come back and put the rest of the stuff away!"
Boys: wander in and put a few more things away.
Me, "GUYS! Come back!"
Boys: wander in and put a few more things away, again.
Me, <jesus F^$&%$ christ> "CLEAN UP THE KITCHEN!!!!!!"

I've kinda given up on getting Sam to clean his room so I've started asking him to shut the door instead. He manages to do this half the time.  When I walked past Sam's room this morning, the door was open and I mistakenly glanced inside.  I was carrying an empty Propel bottle that I was intending to put out in the recycle bin but something took over me and I threw the bottle on the floor of his room. And....... Light Bulb!

So my new plan is to start throwing my trash in his room and see how long it takes for him to notice. I have since added an empty envelope, the plastic off a roll of paper towel and a toothpaste box.

Day one and counting.....