That's my boy...

So we tried out this new pub.  Well, new to us; it's been there forever but anyway.  As we were walking out, John turned around and went back inside presumably because he forgot something on the table. This happens quite frequently.  The man seriously needs a purse.

Sam, "What did he forget?  His phone?  His glasses?  His dignity?"

Oh, how I've missed you....

So we're in Costco and Sam kept tweaking and fiddling with my upper arm.

Me, "Stop, what are you doing?!?"

Sam, "I want to Bingo Slap you."

Me, "What???"

Sam, "Bingo Slap...Bingo wings...."

Me, "What???"

Sam, "It's when someone is holding out their arm and you run by and slap the skin that hangs down and it wobbles all over."

Me, "You're walking home."

My week without the boys

Sent the boys up to my mom's last friday so I decided to tackle their bathroom.  It's circa 1989 and not in a good way.

Monday: Cleaned out the bathroom cabinet.  Lost count at 7 toothpaste tubes squeezed empty and thrown back into the cabinet. whhaa???  Maybe I should get a garbage can for their bathroom so they don't have to walk all the way across the house to use the one in the kitchen.  Oh, wait, there is a garbage can in their bathroom.  It's right next to the toilet.  My friend stopped by with her 4th grade daughter and her daughter's friend.  I asked the little girl, "What do you do when you empty your toothpaste tube?"  She said, "Uh...throw it in the garbage."  "RIGHT!"  Jeez...boys....

Tuesday: Painted the cabinet and put really cool contact paper on the drawers.  Saw this on Pinterest and it didn't involve a barn door so take note.

(Found faucets and as of sunday they are still in the boxes.  Bet they sit on the floor for the next month.)

I should quit now. Nothing's gonna top this.

Wednesday: Took down the nasty medicine cabinet and the massive mirror above the sinks.  John and I managed to the huge thing outside without breaking it or severing an artery.  Wow, even I'm impressed.  I should definitely stop now.

Started taking down the wallpaper.  It came off really easy.  Wait, nope, that's just the front. All the backing and glue are still on the wall.  shit.

Thursday: Still stripping wallpaper.  shit.  Pretty sure it was the first thing the builders did after the house was framed up.  It was behind the mirror, the light fixtures, the medicine cabinet, the bathroom cabinet..... it's everywhere....I see it I'm my dreams.

Friday:  Have the wallpaper off two walls.  Two.  But I was able to get one wall partially painted to decide if I could use the paint from the hallway or if new painted was needed.  I've been to the hardware store five times in four day so it looks fucking amazing.

Saturday: I hurt all over.  Bathroom is a freaking mess.  Out of time.  Basically spent the whole week making a mess and all I have to show for it is the above picture.  Well done, me.

Welcome Home, Boys!!

Are You Wearing Spanx?

John, "It's a COMPLIMENT!"

Me, "Not REALLY!"

And thus began the Great Debate of 2014.....

I'm gonna miss that kid

The boys are flying up to their grandma's house this morning for 10 days.  Yoohoo!  John was taking them to the airport so we were having our mock-dramatic good-byes in the driveway.

Me, "My babiiiies are leeeaaavinggggggg"
Tom, "I'm gonna miss you!  Promise you'll call and yell at me at least once!"

Green means Go, Always

So I was driving to the store yesterday.  Things were going well until I got behind a guy in a  gold Honda Accord who slowed down, almost to a stop, at a green light.  Green.  I had to honk at him twice before he sped up and drove through the still green light.  Then he did it again.

?????

Green means go.  Everybody knows that. They don't even teach it in Driver Ed because everyone already knows it.  It took my little backseat drivers until age 4 to figure that out Green means Go.  They'd sit back there in their car seats, roll their eyes and yell "GO-ooooo" to  the car in front of us.  Had this guy never played "Red Light, Green Light, 1-2-3"?  Didn't he have the Fisher Price Garage? Or Mario Kart?  Has he never been on a train?  Or crossed the street?  "Green means Go" is probably the only life lesson that has been seamlessly passed from generation to generation.  And it's the same in every country.  In. The. World.  You'll never end up in some seldom-visited archipelago and have to remember to Stop on Magenta and Go on the symbol for Boron.  In fact Europe wants us to change our exit signs because they're red and, you know what, they have a point.  So why we were having so much trouble driving to Target?

And all of this lead me to one undeniable conclusion, the guy in front of me, driving the gold Honda Accord, was an alien.

I'm calling Mulder.  The truth is in front of me.

It's so much clearer now....

So I came rushing home from the gym this morning to take the boys to camp.  When I walked in the door, the boys were dressed but not ready to go, naturally.  So I'm trying to hurry them along and Sam is following me around, hemming and hawing like he does when he has something to say but doesn't want to say it for whatever reason.  Finally I stopped and said, "Sam, spit it out!"

Sam, "ahhhh, it's Alice...."
Me, "Did she poop on the floor again?!"

Hearing her name, Alice came trotting over.

Sam, "uhhhh, no......uhhh.....she was.....<whispers>humping a pillow"
Me, <looking down at Alice> "That's nasty.  Now come on, we gotta go."
Alice <wagging tail>

Same, "No, Mom, she was..." and then he starts demonstrating for me.

Me, <trying desperately not to roll my eyes> "Yes, Sam, I know what humping is. Thank you."

It was like that scene in Parenthood, where Keanu Reeves is explaining Joaquin Phoenix's problem to Dianne Wiest.

Keanu, "See, he had his first boner..." Then he stops and says, "Do you know what a boner is?"
And Dianne deadpans, "If memory serves."

Here my life is imitating a Keanu Reeves movie and I'm Dianne Wiest.  That's just sad.

Serenity Now!

My friend, Deb and her family went up to Lake Tahoe for the Fourth of July weekend.  During the morning of the 5th, a small dog jumped into their van and wouldn't leave.  Probably scared off by the fireworks and then lost and confused.  They took him to the animal shelter.  He hadn't been reported missing, didn't have a collar and wasn't chipped.  They posted a "found dog" on several social media sites (there was a youngish person in the group.  I wouldn't have thought of that) and the shelter was alerted so they took the dog for the rest of the weekend, planning on returning his to the pound come Monday morning.  Their 9 year old had a great weekend with the pup and the rest of them rest the time coming up with names for him.  Max, Bradley, and Taco to name a few.

Monday morning came around and the owner had been found.  Happy reunion!  Deb sent a text letting us know that the little dog had jumped off a second story balcony during the fireworks and the pet sitter was unable to find him.  And, here's the kicker, the dog's real name was Courage.  Courage? Courage?  Not Moron or Gimpy?  Seriously he's lucky he didn't break a leg.

Me: That's a stupid name

(Not a popular text but, come on, can you just picture me outside screaming for Courage?)

Me: "Courage! Come!"
"Courage! Come NOW!"
"COURAGE!  Where are you, Courage!"
"No, Courage, NO. Bad Courage. Bad Bad Courage!"

Me: if Courage had been a girl, then Courage would be a bitch! HA!

I could get other dogs and be out there yelling:
"Optimism, Stop!"
"Oh no, Faith, jumped out the window!"
"Serenity, Now!

They stopped texting me at that point.  Too bad, I had a million more!

On a Lighter Note...

My new dolls showed up!

I Love Them!

Well, great, now I can't shop at Hobby Lobby

(warning, this is a rant)

Cause that's what I do.  I stage my own silent one-person social protest by not shopping at stores that have polices or practices that I disagree with.  And I was really looking forward to the new Hobby Lobby opening this summer because our JoAnn's is a looney bin and our Michael's is one of Dante's circles of hell.  (I'm not sure which one.)

Now Hobby Lobby and the Supreme Court have decided that the religious beliefs of the majority owners can dictate what is and is not covered by their company's insurance policy.  I realize there is a whole lot of legal mumbo-jumbo in the decision and we can split hairs for years to come but that's not the point.  It's not the language of the ruling or even issue in hand, that's the problem. It's the Precedent.  That's why the NRA takes such a hard and firm stance.  They don't care about one military grade assault rifle.  They care about the precedent.  Hell, half of them probably think that assault rifle should be banned but they can't afford to set the precedent because where does it end?

Sure it's only four types of birth control and there are other options out there.  (Oh, and by the way, none of these people are doctors.  It's about religion.  We're making medical decisions based on religion.)  None of this really effects me, does it?  What's the big deal?  I don't work there and I'm rather beyond the age of birth control concerns and my kids are boys so who cares?  Oh, but wait a minute....I take birth control pills because I need the extra hormones but that doesn't matter, they're still not covered.

And what happens when the religious beliefs of the next majority owned company involve birthing methods?  Maybe they believe child birth is woman's atonement for original sin so they're not going to cover epidurals.  What if they believe DNR's, or conversely, extreme methods are against God's will?  How many times has some family made the news because they try to deny their kid cancer treatment because it's against their religion.  Maybe your postpartum depression should be treated with vitamins and prayer.  Oh, that's just silly, you say?  Is it?  Can the privately held Millers/Coors start firing gay employees again based on their religious beliefs?

And the worst part of this specific issue is that the companies can pick and choose.  They'll cover the 16 forms of birth control they approve of but not the other 4.  That's not so bad, right?  You can get those 4 through other government programs.  Why are you people making such a big deal out of this?  Well, maybe next year your church doctrine decides 2 other methods are wrong.  And that seventh one is a little iffy too... How hard is it to argue that ALL forms of birth control prevent a fertilized egg from implanting on the uterine wall cause c'mon they all do and you protected my religious beliefs for the first 4 so how can you deny them now?

But, c'mon, you're just getting wound up here.  If it's that bad, it'll just get reversed.  Well, there are millions of people who have spent millions of dollars fighting Roe v Wade for decades.  Ask them how hard it is to reverse a Supreme Court decision.

Does this still not effect you??