There's nothing like good pastry

So we went to see the new Harry Potter movie the other week. About half way through, this one character, Queenie, shows off her famous apple strudel.  And the skies opened up and a ray of sun light shined down on me right there in the middle of the theater.  You see, I made a new friend at the beginning of the school year. She and her husband are German. They've been living in the states for the last 15 years or so and have a son the same age as the boys.  Now the important piece of information to pull out of those last few sentences is: she's German.  So there I was sitting in the theater, looking at Queenie's strudel and <da DA> please please please PLEASE tell me that Kerstin makes her grandma's apple strudel every Christmas.  Please please please please.  It's not that much to ask, really.

Now fast forward to this morning.  I was leaving the gym and spy this woman who kinda looks like she could be Kerstin so I circled the parking lot. Sure enough, it was Kerstin.  I quickly pulled over, threw the car in park and ran across the street.
"Kerstin!" <bear hug>
Kerstin was talking to this nice lady named Nadia.  I know that was her name because Kerstin introduced her to me and I know she's a nice woman because she smiled and said "hello" rather then scrunching up her face and yelling"WTF?!?"
I quickly explained the Harry Potter movie and said,
"Please, please, please tell me that you make your Grandma's apple strudel every Christmas!"
Kerstin, "Well, I can make a crumble."
Me, "Is it your Grandma's?"
Kerstin, "No."
Me, "Ugh, you're no good to me."
Kerstin, "You really need someone from that generation because it's really an art form...."
Me, "I know! This is what I'm saying!"
Then we promised to text one another so we could get together and drink. Like ya do.

So here I am, two weeks post-New Harry Potter movie. Kerstin is dead to me and Oma's Apple Strudel is going the way of the Dodo.
God Damn It! This is why we need more immigrants!

My Niffler would only steal pastry.
 PASTRY!!

Trump Logic

A.K.A
When good Logic goes Bad

AKA
How to Fool People into believing a Lie without Lying

The percent of Muslims in Slovenia is 62% higher than the percent of Muslims in the U.S.  That's a lot. It's higher. Much higher. It's their second highest religion.  All I'm saying is that Melania Trump was born in Slovenia. She didn't become a permanent resident of the U.S. until 2001. A lot of people are staying it. A lot of people.  How could someone spend 31 years in a country with a percent of Muslims that is 62% higher than the percentage of Muslims in the U.S. Is she a Muslim? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not saying she is but why isn't this being looked into?  I don't know. Why won't she move into the White House? Does she have a secret? Is she hiding something? People are wondering if she's hiding something. I've heard a lot of people wonder about this. Would you feel safe if the  president was married to a Muslim? The American people deserve to know. I just don't know why this isn't being looked into?

Don't you hate it when....

you have plans with a friend but your social anxiety kicks in so you make some lame excuse to cancel but then your husband buys movie tickets for a show you really want to see but you're convinced that despite the fact that there are around 70,000 people living in town you will definitely run into the gal you ditched so you're sitting in your bedroom trying to decide what to do and you find yourself saying to your husband, "See, now this is when a burka would really come in handy."
Or is it just me?

Humor as a Defense Mechanism

So the biggest drawback from joining my Old Ladies Group is that a lot of the ladies are old, and on occasion, die.  We had a couple of bad weeks last month so John took the club's boilerplate and sent me this:

Jennifer Moore  Jennifer passed way at the last old lady board meeting due  to chronic boredom coupled with Itsafuckingmicrophone-itis.  A  memorial service will be held this Friday, October 7th (time to be decided soon) at Hopyard Pub (1st 50 mourners get free nachos), As soon as a time and more details are available I will get confused by email and mistakenly not send them out. We will  be doing some sort of Preachy Bullshit Ceremony during the pub crawl Please contact Lucifer (666) 666-6666 if you are available to participate.

Please keep her family in your prayers, cards welcome and a service announcement will follow. Love, Lucifer XXXOOO